THE DA VINCI CODE by jaiskizzy

the very naked dead body of an old man is found in the louvre. jean reno, the professional, is on the case and his primary suspect is forrest gump who is sporting a bad haircut. suddenlt amelie appears and tells mr. gump that this aint no ordinary murder. together, they embark on a puzzle-laden adventure to solve the mystery about the church's best kept secret, which has something to do with the priory of sion, the holy grail, and jesus banging mary magdalene. hot on their heels is an albino sith apprentice named silas who likes to hurt people and himself. so... run, forrest, run!

with the hype that surrounded dan brown's book, a movie adaptation was inevitable. despite the hype, which i believe was, and is still, too much, i have not read a single sentence inside that book (eventhough i have it in ebook form). probably part of the reason is how those people who have finished the book yap about it so much and feel like they are the smartest being on earth. maybe in the far future when the hype has died down. anyways, equally hyped to the most annoying levels is this movie. and after watching it with zero expectations and uninfluenced by negative reviews, i scratched my head and wondered what the fuss was about. although based on real facts, this is an obvious work of fiction and anyone who'd take it seriously is a moron (and what the heck is the problem if jesus was human and not god? arent his teachings the only things that should matter?!). this is simply three hours of boring talk about what ifs. the puzzles didnt even carry any weight. the plots of indiana jones 1 and 3 also had religious themes but that's a gargantuan load of fun compared to this. and both didnt even need flashbacks to explain stuff. heck, even national treasure is great compared this. the problem of this film is its lack of excitement. id take all the talk you need, but i need some thrills to boost me out of dozing off. the only discourse that entertained me was between langdon and magneto, fresh from his demise in x-men 3, as he is now a crippled geek. sir ian mckellen's performance was the sole saviour of this film, his orgasmic joy upon seeing the crypt text was so genuine.

who played geoffrey chaucer in a knight's tale, although he really needed more creepiness. they should have made him more shadowy and "ghost"-like (there should have been more scenes like when he grabbed langdon's neck in mid-speech). jean reno's fache character required tweaking as well, as it seems it was written exactly for him. then there are the two leads, one of the worst acting couples to a movie. tom hanks's robert langdon was flat and wasnt as dynamic as a hero characters are supposed to be, and the added claustrophobia didnt help 3-dimensionalize him at all. and what the hell happened to you audrey tatou?!? well, i guess this was a case of miscasting because she's a really great non-mainstream actress. she just didnt fit sophie's shoes. the only time i thought she acted well was in magneto's private plane where she was scolding silas. and by the way, if sophie was such an important person, why would her grandfather just let her run away like that? ending was predictable.

i guess it was a bad decision to get ron howard to direct this film. but the fault isnt entirely his alone. the script should have undergone a dozen more drafts. this movie felt like a lecture on a very interesting topic that you wouldnt want to miss. then when you attend it, the lecturer just goes reading a book verbatim aided by dull powerpoint slides. im sure id have hated this movie more if id read the book. but other than a couple of good points, very disappointing and boring.

the good: silas, teabing, subject matter.
the bad: all talk, no action.
the ugly: the controversy.
the verdict: 5 flogs to the back.

leonardo da skizzi.

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X-MEN: THE LAST STAND by jaiskizzy

jean grey has resurrected from her watery grave and has turned into the varicose-vein-faced phoenix, posing a new threat to the uncanny x-men team. meanwhile, the homo sapiens have created a cure that would destroy the mutant gene and eventually wipe out the entire mutant race. soon, homo superior will become no mo’ superior. obviously magneto aint gonna tolerate this and so he forms an army against the humans to show em who’s boss. it’s a mutant super orgy down ‘ere in ol’ alcatraz, kid, but alas! still no gambit, ma cheri.

first off, i’ve got to say that i am a comic book uber-geek. i possess quite an extensive knowledge of the comic book universe and everytime i would sit my ass to watch a movie based on a comic book, i’d see what they did right or wrong. to achieve as much realism as it can, the film format has the liberty to alter some of the features of the book it was based on. the trick is to make it work so that us fanboys would care less. i’ve seen several negative reviews of x-men 3 but from my point of view, brett ratner managed to pull a rabbit out of the hat. you see, there’s just too many mutants and naturally too many storylines in the comics and it’s simply impossible to squeeze them all into, say, five movies, even if each was four hours long. in this 2 hour flick, they built a double-plotted story that included enough mutants to please the comic fans and one of the most compelling comic storylines ever: the dark phoenix saga. (sadly, jean grey never really goes all-out flaming dark phoenix… groan) it was good to see beast, done well by frasier; angel, giving me an overdose of wing-envy; juggernaut, played nicely by vinnie freakin jones; and shadowcat, who is doesn’t-comb-her-hair cute. to be able to let them have vital roles and not just as extras is a scriptwriting feat that deserves praise. especially kitty pryde as she, i believe, was most able to put her intangibility powers to good use. a nod also goes to the cameo by moira mctaggert, an important human character in the comics. i also liked the bit part of jamie madrox, the multiple man, despite being at the wrong side. even wronger though is that his powers to replicate cant be done at will. forgiven, due to the slightly faithful costume. didn’t like callisto one bit. or porcupine boy. ugh.

the action scenes were superb, although a bit erratically spread out i think. i’ve yet to see wolverine go berserk but his scenes were great. even if bone-throwing man and limb-regenerating man obviously didn’t stand a chance in the first place. i would have gladly paid more if they had showed him decapitating the sentinel. or berserking through three. i guess the abundance of mutants affected the screen time of the leads. storm, rogue, iceman, pyro, they kinda sorta felt like just passing through. and then there’s mystique… who… um… what a bod! far from perfect, the main mistake of this mutant movie is its pace. i think brett ratner took the rollercoaster formula too seriously. too many ups and downs, which you aren’t really able to enjoy as much. in the down parts when the characters die, they just die. as if the film is hurrying up to get to the next thrill. even the final battle sequence, grandiose as it was, felt like too contained. with all those mutants and their different powers, they could have chosen a wider warfield where they can wreck more stuff. the special effects weren’t exactly very special, awesome, but nothing stood out. good to finally see the danger room. it was also cool to watch magneto doing some city rearranging.

bryan singer may have left the x-men to do superman, but the movie was tossed over to good hands. ratner clearly knew crap about what he got himself into but he mustered enough talent to deliver a flawed but wonderful-enough movie. (p.s. there’s a little twist ending after the credits but it wasn’t shocking as it was supposed to be.)

the good: more mutants, the use of their powers, and the danger room.
the bad: the deaths and the weird pace. and no gambit!!!
the ugly: the gray-skinned dude who had bad breath.
the verdict: 7 cure shots.

skizzy superior.

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SILENT HILL by jaiskizzy

a sleepwalking little girl has been creeping the hell out of her parents ever since they adopted her, saying "silent hill" while asleep. so her desperate mom takes her there to find some answers. what she find instead is the deadest town on the earth where ash falls like snow and roads suddenly crumble to emptiness. the darn kid disappears, and with the aid of a female cop who looks like pink, mom named rose ventures into the eerie streets of silent hill where its scare-you-to-shits season and freak-ass creatures galore. beware the horn! based on one of my favorite games ever because it creeps the hell out of me.

back in the days when i had the time (and the console) to play video games, one of the games i played religiously to the very end was the resident evil series. i always played it with the lights off and i thought that was the scariest game i tingled my spine on. wrong! silent hill came around and gave a new definition to horror gaming. if i wet myself when i get scared, silent hill would have made me flood my room in piss. but getting scared makes me high so i loved the damn game. and now here's the movie based on that game and what a faithful translation to film it was. the film was able to capture the essence of the game's spookiness. once rose wakes up to find herself in silent hill, it felt like she had gone inside the game itself. the atmosphere, the lighting, the set design, the color (grainy grungy and rusty), the shots (i loved the camera angles which were very much like the game especially the top view shots), the scoring (very very much like the game's music! neato!), the pace (every "chapter" would end in a fade out) and of course the monsters. my favorite? pyramid head and his big ass mother-effin knife. now that's one game boss that'll be sure tough to beat! could've worked minus the insects though. then there are those nurses with melted faces blocking rose's way (just one of the frightful scenes that got my lovely companion cringing like a child). them fidgetting faceless nurses were hot! two button-bashing thumbs up to director gans, whom im sure was a big fan of the game as well! awesome job dude!

however (god i hate howevers), this movie was two notches away from perfection. one, the acting. horrible. the only thing i liked about rose was the way she ran, which is just like in the game (which kinda weird actually). other than that, she went flat all throughout. the worst when she did the little speech in the church. yikes! well, i guess the fruit doesnt fall far from the tree cause the kid was just as unconvincing as her mother. especially on evil mode. it's in the eyes, hear me? get someone with evil eyes! the best actor in the whole cast was colin the janitor. and i mean, when rose finds him in the bathroom and he crawls(?) after her. classic. negative number two: the explanation sequence. that one kinda killed the moment. the pick up after that was great, gory great (kid-dancing-in-blood-shower great), but still, they could have done it better than that boring diplay of flashbacks which i believe lasted way too long. also, there were parts where the cgi was pretty bad but i didnt mind. i forgive em anyways, if only for that nice little touch where rose is trying to find the school. in the game, if you were lost, you'd take a peep at the map. well, they managed to incorporate that into the movie in a way. but i guess only fans of the game would find that little detail cool.

finally, a good game-based film. there are loads of video games that would make great movies, all you gotta do is do it right. and silent hill is one example. "mother is god in the eyes of a child..."

the good: basically everything that mirrors it to the game. the feel, the cinematography and the music! oh the sweet scary score!
the bad: the acting. the explanation sequence.
the ugly: the censor's bad cuts. if you're gonna do some cutting, at least get a good editor, will ya?
the verdict: 8 big ass mother-effin knives, baby.

silent skizzy.

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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3 by jaiskizzy

tom cruise returns as imf agent turned imf agent trainer, ethan hunt for another round of ethan hunting. wow. nothing can be more repetitive than that. wow. nothing can be more repetitive than that. anyways, he’s getting married but imf enlists his field expertise once again. a new agent whom he had trained has been kidnapped by by the evil philip seymour hoffman, and his mission, if he chooses to accept it, is to retrieve her. with the help of three other agents, mr. katie holmes embarks on an action-packed adventure that involves a lot of running. a lot. run, ethan, run!

like ive said before, tv was my third parent in my childhood years and the original mission: impossible series (aired on gma7 if im not mistaken) was just one of the many shows that eventually caused my poor eyesight. anyways, of the three m:i movies, to me, part three was the most faithful. as indicated by the title, the missions are seemingly impossible, but they become possible because of teamwork. in the tv series each team member had a vital role (although my fave was the disguise dude) and no one overshadowed no one. in a way, that was exercised in m:i 3, especially on the second mission in vatican city. and, there’s the sleek orange lamborghini and the slick maggie q that made me drool doubles. still, m:i 3 is a tom cruise movie(as well as the first two) and it kinda gives an impression that he never really needs the others to aid him. although tommy did justice to the hero role, i really think he must stretch his acting out of what he’s used to. and is it me or does this movie resemble minority report a bit? anyways, the other thing that made this movie work well like the tv series was the straightforward action. you’ll find none of the “money shot” sequences from m:i 2 here. just run-of-the-mill thrills but kick-ass cool nonetheless (in one mission, it doesnt even show what ethan hunt did in the 5 min deadline he promised). don’t get me wrong, john woo did a good job with that one. but j.j. abrams proved that you dont need flying bikes, slow-mos, and a million bullets to get the job done.

j.j. was able to steer the project in the right direction (2 other directors had abandoned it). the story was played out nicely. he paced the film well, with most scenes done fast and direct to the point, no prolonged dull dragging moments. this was complemented by some topnotch editing. (the opening credits were sweet!) he also put together a great cast, most notably philip seymour hoffman who gave a compelling performance as the menacing but calculated villain named owen(!). thumbs up too to simon pegg (shaun from shaun of the dead) who did great as a realistic, funny, un-robotic tech guy. and of course, the gadgets and the over-all agent activity were cool. but enough with the praises. i have one thing negative to say about this film. on some certain shots, prevalent in the action scenes, the studio must have hired a nearsighted epileptic cameraman. i think these shots were too up-close and too shaky. im sure they wanted to incorporate some grungy style of some sort (as seen in other movies) but seriously, if it makes the viewers nauseous, it defeats its purpose.

mission: impossible iii is a fine follow-up film fans would find fantastic. it’s good that hollywood is giving these younger directors a chance since they respect the material and don’t dally with over-hyping their films and just focusing more on taking the audience on a fun ride.

the good: the pacing and the editing.
the bad: the uber-tight jittery shots.
the ugly: lawrence fishburne.
the verdict: 8 rabbit’s feet.

secret agent double-o-skizzy.

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