LE PARFUM DE LA DAME EN NOIR by jaiskizzy

ist: a great magician dies and the widow, the titular lady in black, remarries. the newlyweds spend their honeymoon on a nice little house, home to a handful of peculiar people. one of the guests suspects that the magician is dead which makes the lady in black the lady in danger. he and his bumbling sidekick must put their heads together to solve this mystery and unmask the crook amongst the other guests. guided by subtitles! yay.

a classic example of the film ingenuity of the french. you’ll never see a pinoy movie like this (unless some wacko plagiarizes it). the core of this film is its unconventional humor, it’s funny, quirky, and amazingly light, despite dealing with danger and death. weird that it’s almost magical how something serious is being discussed and then the zealous hostess would suddenly cut the tension with “let’s eat!” which instead of being annoying makes you laugh a bit. there’s just too many ridiculously funny scenes to enumerate, but one of my favorites would be the two guys hiding in a well each with a periscope to spy around them (im pretty sure you have no idea what im talking about. it’s just one of those “have to see” things). normally it would have been corny in another movie but here it just wasn’t. it perfectly jived with the tender tickle tone of the film. another favorite would be the solar submarine sequence, again a seemingly out-of-place idea but integral to the story.

hsuck me sideways if i knew who the director was, but whoever he is, he did quite a job here, there were some great camera shots (thumbs up to flashback scene in the school hallway) and fine scene “choreography”, like when one character retells an event in his point of view, we see the exact same scene that was previously shown but in a different perspective. only a few movies got this to work. another reason why this movie is such a bundle of enjoyment is its characters, all of them colorful and full of life, each with their eccentricities. for me, the best of the bunch is the dude who played sainclair, who looks so much like alan cummings. he has sort of a charlie chaplin aura with him and a teensy bit of gayness. sainclair is one funny chap and most of the time not on purpose. he steals every scene he is in. so he’s kind of like a speaking charlie chaplin. minus the slapsticks. one very notable scene has sainclair hiding in a workshop trying to stay quiet but instead causes more ruckus that results into a domino effect/chain reaction of the objects inside.

an unusual film with an unusual plot and unusual characters. needless to say, i had an unusually good time.

the good: the storytelling style, the characters, the humor.
the bad: a french film with no nudity?!? minus points!
the ugly: honestly... the lady in black.
the verdict: 7 detachable periscopes

le skizzeur.

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INSIDE MAN by jaiskizzy

it's a fine sunny business day in manhattan, so how about... a bank robbery? clive owen et. al. had just that in mind. masked, armed, and calculated, they turn the bank into a fortress and hold the people inside as hostages. enter denzel washington with big willy and the twins to match wits with the crooks and make sense out of this seemingly well-planned crime. enter jodie foster with a corporate smile on her face and a hidden agenda in her, um... hiding place (hey that one rhymes!). take a puff. it's a spike lee joint!

spoiler clue: inside man. the title says it all. anyways, this movie wasnt actually on my list of must-sees. not that i dont think it would be good, it just went under the radar and would have went right past me if layla hadn't wanted to watch it only because she's having an affair with clive owen (albeit an imaginary one). turns out it was a good thing i didnt decide to just stay home and ponder. because this film was beautiful. well, so was my companion, but this film was filmly beautiful. although ive had knowledge of the directorial existence of spike lee, ive never been really familiar with his movies. i heard they were good. now i have proof that they are. inside man was presented with a very personal feel. the exchanges between characters looked authentic and the shots were almost p.o.v., as if you were there watching the events unfold or eavesdropping on the conversations. you even see scenes like the unrolling of the police tape, something you dont see in most movies with a similar theme (that thing about the trains was very realistic) i also like the way spikey chose to inter-cut the present events with future interrogations with the hostages inside the bank who obviously survived. this helped increase the mystery aroma of the movie. lets you put together the puzzle piece by piece but not in a whodunit detective story way. do not expect any big scenes though. like i said, this is a very personal and very human movie. this may be a bank robbery movie but there are no car chases or bullet-ridden encounters here, no sir. (i wonder, however, why heist/hostage taking movies always happen near a diner...)

this film could be used as a visual aid in an acting class. the powerhouse cast performed at top-level calibre in their respective roles. despite zero drama moments. denzel washington was unbelievable. that dude can act. else, he's like that in real life. every word he let go and every expresion he wore, real like the hair on my knuckles. he never goes over the top or makes a hero's one-liners. just calm, casual, and cool. clive owen is equally great, considering he had to act behind a mask most of the time. i think it was primarily his vocals that gave the attitude his character needed. closing the triangle is jodie foster in a very easily but well done role. this trio held the film together and i doubt that the movie would have worked the way it did if it werent for them. also, in a small but effective part was the green goblin himself. and then there's a girl and her nice cleavage that needed no acting. bra-vo.

i am a volleyball and i just got spike leed.

the good: good directing. fine acting
the bad: a lil predictable. or was that deliberate?
the ugly: denzel on a segway shot.
the verdict: 8 bugged pizza box lid lifers.

detective skizzy.

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CARS by jaiskizzy

"i am speed... i eat losers for breakfast." goes the pre-race mantra of lightning mcqueen, an arrogant rookie race car all eyes on the prize: win the piston cup and be dinoco's new endorser. on his way to california for the finals after a triple tie, lightning gets lost and ends up at the forgotten little town of radiator springs where he destroys the main road on his arrival. he is sentenced to community service and is prohibited from speeding away until fix the road. soon he makes new and learns a few important lessons in life, like tractor tipping. will he get to california in time to make the audience weep with a dramatic moment, i mean, win the race?! ka-chow!

as a fan of pixar animated features, with a special lil fondness for the shorties, i have been anticipating this follow-up to the incredibles. on the other hand, layla's primary reason to see this one is because it is was born out of apple. so, she and i headed to eastwood and watched it with about a hundred fairly well-behaved kids (thank heavens). and who better to judge if this film works than these mini men and women? based on their reactions, cars definitely scored high. they bought all the lil jokes, laughed at the hillbilly tow truck, mater, and fell silent at the right moments (one proof that this movie isnt heavy for their noggins to comprehend: lightning discovers doc hudson's true identity when he finds a familiar object in doc's house (garage), to which a kid who was paying attention exclaimed: "piston cup!"). i myself found... uh, myself, chuckling at some of the jokes and losing it at a few (which seemed meant only for the adults to understand, like, lightning says "piston cup." and then mater retorts "he did what in his cup!?"). but the scenes that really reached out and tickled everyone funny boner are the car "spoof" of pixar movies: toy car story (you're a toy... car1), monster trucks inc., and a bug's life, voiced by the original actors. this wittiness was probably what made this animated film appealing to both kids and adults, and i think i blinked too many times and missed out some of the small ones (some of the ones i didnt miss: "braking news", "i auto be in pictures", and jay limo). and there are still lots more to enjoy.

anyways, owen wilson voiced lightning mcqueen well. he was able to channel a distinct personality to the car, as if you are actually watching him do the gun gesture when he does the ka-chow. paul newman as doc hudson hornet was very believable as well. but it was larry the cable guy/mater who brought the garage(house) down. well, not that much, i wouldnt say he stole the show as some would. he just excelled as the film's main comic relief, and im pretty sure we'll be hearing from him or seeing him more in future projects (git-r-done!). other cars i really liked were the hippie volkswagen van fillmore (he has a license plate goatee, plays jimi hendrix' rendition of star-spangled banner in the morning, and offers homemade "organic" fuel), and guido the italian forklift who only knows one english word: pitstop (his pitstop debut was hilarious). the cgi was topnotch pixar, great car designs (although as an adult, i thought they were a tad too cartoony and flexible), awesome landscapes, and supa-fine lighting effects (the reflections on the cars' shiny exterior were amazing). plus it has michael schumacher as a ferrari. coolness.

yet another pixar classic. great kids movie that kids of all ages and all kids at heart will have a blast with, although in varying levels. not the best in the timeline, but worthy of the legacy nonetheless. definitely demands a second viewing. here's to ratatouille!

the good: the cars, the humor.
the bad: how come there were no kid cars?
the ugly: the rust-eze cars.
the verdict: 8 white wall tires.

skizmacher.

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THE OMEN by jaiskizzy

gist: in this updated version of a classic, julia stiles and a dude who resembles one of my high school friends (topaquits!!) are the oblivious parents of the devil’s son whom they have aptly named damien. some sinister shit starts spreading as the path to power is paved for the prince. a priest preaches prophecies, papa ponders, peter piper picked a peck of pickled pepper!

not a good film. okay. but not good. that is, on its own. but if you’d compare it to the original, it plummets down to crap territory. mostly, it was faithful to the original, but the things they changed though didnt work. i remember how creepy the old omen had been and how this remake wasnt (or maybe because i was just a kid then). this one felt like watching a long episode of csi miami, with csi (las vegas) as the original omen. well... yes, it kept me awake. yes the impaling was cool, and the decapitation even cooler. yes there was one suspenseful scene involving an air bubble and a startler involving snow. but beyond that? close, but no cuban. i actually had a hard time completing the summary above, because sentence number one was the only solid definition for this movie. everything else that followed and surrounded that concept seemed like random stuff thrown in for padding, like cotton to a flat-chested girl’s bra. sure, they contribute to the idea that this boy is satan’s offspring sent to give the earth a beating, but they don’t really form a concrete mold to hold a well-structured story together. anyways, three-quarters into the movie, i already had thought of a nice way to review this film. as a tribute to the apparent collapse of the julia stiles’ career (what happened to you, girl?!) i present to you…

10 things i hate about the omen 1. julia stiles. she looks fat and old. 2. damien. looked scary in the trailers. acted scary in the movie. 3. the red stuff. too forced. 4. clues to the death. a la final destination. 5. the nanny. too obvious. i would have fired her at once. 6. the dogs. could have been scarier. 7. the men in the gorilla suits. sheesh. 8. scaring the audience with sound volume. 9. cheapo video editing. 10. the predictable, no build-up, “that’s it?” ending.

plus there was no clear indication if damien born on 6/6/6 or the events begin in 6/6/6. because if damien was born in 6/6/6, then the movie happens in 2012, and it doesn’t look like 2012 at all. one more thing, whatever magical thing killed the other players, why didn’t it kill damien’s dad? tsk. tsk. tsk. a very very defective movie. obvious rushed to meet the 6/6/6 deadline. tsk.

the good: the impaling and the seamless decapitation.
the bad: refer to the list.
the ugly: the toothbrush commercial scene. ugh.
the verdict: 6(66) red balloons. (3 if compared to the original)

jai albert omen or the owen.

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KISSKISS BANGBANG by jaiskizzy

a twist of fate puts harry, a small-time thief, in an acting audition and faster than post-pee tapping lands him on the lap of los angeles california, in a party where he meets a gay detective called gay perry, and sees his promiscuous high school crush, harmony, getting felt up by a stranger while she sleeps on a table. the three of them are then sucked into a murder conspiracy while i ate beef tapa that felt and tasted like plastic.

is robert downey jr. gay? because if he isn't, then he better undergo some masculinity restoration program because he is definitely sending out gay signs in his role here eventhough his character, harry, is 100% male and boners up when snuggling with harmony. i don't know, it was just kind of annoying and made it hard for me to relate to harry. val kilmer, on the other hand portrayed his gay perry role very well. refined and held back, the kind of homosexual i wouldnt have a problem being around with (except for the kissing part) because the only thing i hate more than vegetables are loud and proud gay people. anyways, thank goodness there was a pretty stunning girl named michelle monaghan to cancel out all of this gayness. she's kind of like an l.a. lolita, she's an aspiring actress who's only claim to fame is a beer/bear commercial and she's probably slept with more men than you could ever invite into your stag party. still, she was purty hot.

this movie is so fast-paced, scenes just snap one after another, it would seem that the book this was based on was no more than 100 pages long. a lot of things happen in this film, and despite a few being a bit far-fetched, i enjoyed almost all of them (except for the kissing part). these scenes are accompanied by some smart and funny dialogue, especially the ones that went between harry and gay perry. one good line was val kilmer's after he bitch-slaps harmony's father: "big tough guy." three words that represented a paragraph of explanation. now that's some swell writing. another aspect that makes this movie so entertaining is the narration by harry, one of the best movie narrations in my opinion, to the point that i believe robert downey jr narrated better than he acted (he even pauses and rewinds the film when he forgets to tell something). i dug the groovy cartoon opening credits. kudos go to the director, who gave this movie a fresh book-ish pulp-ish look. oh and by the way, if you are a guy, dont make "i will survive" your ringtone...

highly entertaining despite the lack of over-the-top sequences and super special effects or the not talky, artsy-fartsy philosophical/social/moral/spiritual messages.

the good: the narration, visual style, harmony.
the bad: the gayness. ugh
the ugly: the kissing part.
the verdict: 7 johnny gossamer novels.

skizz skizz, bang bang.

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