TURISTAS by obi

Three vacationists hit the road to splurge on a Brazilian getaway. Along the trip, their bus had an accident that sent the group trapped on a wayward settlement along Brazil's beautiful coastline. Here was where they got to tag along some fellow travellers... two British dudes and an Australian hotty, who was the only one among them who knew how to speak Portuguese. They later discovered a local vista near the accident site and preferred to spend the night there to party with the natives!

Problems started to manifest when they woke up the next day robbed of their possesions. Along their pursuit to find the culprits, they got tangled up with more diffuculties against the inhabitants of a nearby town. One of the more friendly locals, Kiko, offered them safe haven on the deep forest only to find out that they were lead to a more dire situation.

The group was captured by a doctor who runs a human organ smuggling sydnicate and their usual donors were unwilling "gringos" or foreigners. The doctor was able to harvest organs from one of them (open surgery with gore and nudity!!) while the others tried to escape. The hullabaloo ended up with most of them dead except the protagonist siblings and the Australian hotty, and of course with the syndicate and the doctor put to a gruesome end.

The movie was frankly a disappointment to me. I din't expect it to have a good storyline of sorts but I was at least expecting it to be a match in scare-factor with "I Know What You Did Last Summer". But it's not... and to start with, "I Know What You Did..." wasn't much of a thriller anyway! So the comparison will give you much of an idea how uninteresting the movie could get.

There were gory scenes, especially this open surgery to one of the female casts, that could give the viewers the creeps, but those scary portions were either not consistent along the movie OR predictable enough to happen that made its impact really lacking. Cinematography was waaay off during the most crucial part of the film. It started off pretty interesting with the breath-taking captures of Brazil's environs but the sucky parts started during the climax itself with almost a good part of it shot in the dark! I can't see a damn thing for at least a whole third of the movie!

The whole concept of making a torture film out of Turista's storyline was well worth the look in papers. I kinda like the idea of having a mad doc snatching unsuspecting foreigners from the dark and harvesting them of their organs, BUT the way they set these all up into this movie was pitiful. Don't mind the story. It's basically just about a bunch of stranded travellers doing stupid decisions on an unrealistic world. You'll only like this film if you're into chicks in bikinis and nothing else.

With nothing much to say but to bash the movie more, I say you watch it so you could feel me. I'll rate it two gulamans... and I'm still nice about it.

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300 by jaiskizzy

the gist: the gay-looking god-king xerxes is bent on conquering greece. but no blood will be shed if the cities simply surrender. unfortunately, that very word does not exist in the vociferous vocabulary of leonidas, king of sparta. and so, against the pink-nippled oracle's warning, king leonidas gathers 300 of his best warriors and takes camp at a mountain pass where they face off with the hundred-thousand persian army (but not until after he'd have pre-war sex with his hot, hot wife). obviously outnumbered, the 300, under king leonidas' loud lead, stand their ground, bloody battle after bloody battle, all the while with no body armor whatsoever, relying only on their skill, spears, swords, shield and six-packs... correction, make that eight-pack abs. will this movie defy math and prove that 300 is greater than thousand? who gives a chimera's ass? fight!!!

the reaction: the first ps2 video game that i bought and played on my unit is god of war. it's about the badass spartan warrior kratos and his blood-ridden quest of revenge against ares. im now in the middle of god of war 2, stuck in a certain part due to a gitch. anyways, god of war would make an awesome ass-kickin action movie (they're actually in pre-production now), but until then, 300's your uncle. if you like plot-driven films with intricate storylines and heavy moral lessons, unforgettable moments of emotionally arousing drama, and familiar characters you could connect with and will forever hold dear in your hearts, then back up, mushypants, this movie is not for you!!! i've been hearing quite a slew of negativity regarding 300, mainly on the fact that they did not get what expected. do you know what were they expecting? something like troy. in fact, they even go as much as saying troy was better. holy shitballs! isn't it obvious that zack snyder and the gang never intended to make it look like troy or any other greek-based movies that preceded it. and i can't understand why they can't get around the idea that this was based on frank miller's graphic novel, noting how the movie didn't try to be something else, and that a movie is a movie and a comic book's a comic book. folks, when frank miller made the 300 graphic novel, he didn't see it as a comic book in his mind. he saw the scenes playing out and simply took the "frames" that delivered what he wanted and put it into paper. what zack snyder did was syphon those very scenes from frank miller's brain and gave us this movie. that's called respect for the material. 300 the movie is the 300 graphic novel brought to life.

the point of that last sentence is immediately apparent on the film's overall look. it's colored to match the graphic novel. that's why it's mostly sepia-ish and grainy, and why red (capes and blood) stands out. i like the red capes by the way. they sort of look like an army of supermen. anyways, it should be stressed that this movie was made to look cool, to entertain, and even though it is based on real events, it was made unreal in purpose. because, again, you are "watching" a comic book. which is brimming with arrogance. but it aint just plain air. the brags that leonidas roars out of his hairy mouth are never empty promises. to put it simply, leonidas walks the talk. and when he does that pre-attack pep talk to his men (with accompanying look back shot), it's encouraging, you feel like you just can't let the dude down. and the good choice of scoring it with some heavy metal music just puts you more into a beat-the-living-shit-out-of-your-enemies mood. wave after wave of various opponents, the spartans proved their mettle replete with in-your-face stabbings, limb-slicings, and beheadings, (as opposed to the usual fast cuts cheat crap we've been seeing in recent action films), all in spectacular video game-like fashion. heck, there's even a nice boss battle throw in. there's this one cool sequence involving a rhino which just shows how fearless these guys are. and of course, i must mention the cool slow-mo, fast-mo sex scene between leonidas and gorgo which is unlike any film fucking you've ever seen. even upto now, i can't get it out of my head.

i found myself shouting "prepare for glory" and "tonight we dine in hell" several times for a few days after watching this. it just sticks to you. i am proud to be a man, thanks to the eyegasm that is 300. a true fanboy flick that no doubt will become a cult classic.

the good: the visuals, the fights, the arrogance.
the bad: not enough female nudity to counterbalance the male nudity which one reviewer referred to as "dude-ity".
the ugly: a tie between the lucky ephor dude who licked the oracle, and xerxes.
the verdict: 10 red capes.


skizzius maximus

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THE HOST by jaiskizzy

the gist: toxic chemicals + han river = malevolent mutant monster! it's a fine sunny day in seoul and a bunch of people are happily speding the rest of their ordinary lives on the banks of the han river. probably disgusted by this humdrum moment, a humongous mutated tadpole shows up to stir things up a bit. after trashing the place and scaring the bejeezus out of the koreans, it leaves as fast as it came, taking a little girl with it. the girl's grandpa, dad, uncle and aunt then goes on a mission to rescue her from the icky clutches of the amphibian beast. will they be able to find her? will the monster be stopped? will smith? (no, he's not in the movie)

the reaction: allow me to dig up yet another childhood memory that somewhat relates to this review. i remember when i was a kid, i watched a pinoy horror movie about a giant crocodile in a rural setting. i cant recall anything else about it but im pretty sure it was crap. end of childhood memory. anyways, when i first heard of the host last year, i thought it was about a game show where contestants are killed by the main mic guy. but it wasn't (but wouldn't that have been a cool horror fick too, eh?) so, why is this entitled the host? well, apparently, the beast also carries a virus and anyone who comes in contact with it and survives will carry it as well and eventually pass it on and cause an epidemic. this subplot is well weaved into the main storyline, which is of course about the monster. no, wait, this movie is actually about family, and the monster is an extra. really. it's good since it's a take off from the usual monster movies where we're teased by glimpses of the monster for three quarters of the film. of course, this trick works because then we go down on our knees when the monster is revealed in its entirety, but joon-ho bong decided to go the other way. the mutant tadpole appears very early in broad daylight and we see it in full, with no gimmicks, just as it probably would happen in real life. another great feature is how the monster never really gets all the attention. like i said, this is more of a family movie and the monster merely part of the supporting cast. an example of this is when the little girl is snatched. the girl is in the foreground, the monster is in the back. focus on the girl, blur on the monster as it gallops towards her. but, no, it veers and goes off screen, and as if just an afterthought, it takes the girl with its tail and pulls her off screen. whoa.

awesome, awesome acting by the dumb father with the colored-hair and little girl. our actors just dont have the juice that these korean actors have. ive seen a number of korean flicks and man, they're just remarkable. they don't just act role, they become it. even that little boy that the girl meets in the beast's lair was freakin amazing, especially in the scene where he peed his pants. i have many favorite scenes, one is that tracking shot where the dad is in the foreground running, chasing after the monster in the background. i also liked the office building sequence with the drunkard uncle. and the scenes in the quarantine camp. fuck, who am i kidding? i like everything! and that giant tadpole thing. amazing. you'd almost believe it wasn't cgi. and it's not just the monster itself, but how it interacts with the real world. if you've ever seen anything pinoy-made that had something cgi jump into the water, you'd see how fake the splash is. none of that here, folks. simply seamless special effects. and the ending, although a little bit farfectched, is pure genius. id ruin it if i told you how it went, but i'll give a hint: big sister losing the archery competition. oh and by the way, this movie is partly a comedy, too.

a must-see mutant monster movie most likely you'd like like i did. i just wish that hollywood sees this as a challenge to come up with a better one, and not push through with the planned remake. out of ideas, guys? well, you should ring me up 'cause ive got plenty.

the good: the movie.
the bad: the idea of a remake.
the ugly: that giant mutant tadpole monster thing.
the verdict: 10 molotov cocktails.

bloodzilla.

p.s. in the 1st asian film awards, the host bagged four: best actor, best cinematography, best special effects, and (no surprise here) best film. bravo!

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300 by obi

Adapted from a graphic novel, "300" depicted the historical Battle of Thermopylae during the ancient Hellenic period. The story (if there's much to recount) revolved around the Spartan King Leonidas, who summoned 300 of his best Spartan warriors to stall the impending invasion of the Persians so that a bigger contingent of the Greek army could reinforce the city-states' defense. Despite prohibition by the Law of Sparta, foreboding of the Oracle, and unawareness of the Spartan Council, the King marched to war upon the mountain pass of Thermopylae, facing overwhelming odds and defeating a hefty number of the invading forces. Back in Sparta, the Queen Gorgo was fighting her own battle... to request the Council to send backup to his husband's warband. To no avail! The Spartan army's eventual collapse started when a Spartan outcast, Ephialtes, defected to the Persian God-King Xerxes and divulged a secret passage through the mountains which gave the Persian soldiers an advantage to outmaneuver the dwindling Spartan numbers. In the end, King Leonidas and his 300 warriors were literally butchered to submission before the Greek reinforcement arrived.

The movie doesn't have much to flaunt in regards to the storyline but the special effects, film settings, and costumes are awesome! When asked by my peers what I could say about the movie, I just tell em, "It's like a 'dark Troy' without an interesting plotline". It was jampacked with battle scenes, all of em are worth the effort of the filmmakers and are among the best I've seen so far. I like how the cinematographers conveyed Frank Miller's* sinister appeal on his graphic novels into the movie. Everything has a dark, gloomy theme on it that I could feel the melancholic air like I was inside the film itself.

*Frank Miller is the author of the graphic novel of the same title, where the film was based.

I see not much of a flaw on how the actors portrayed their roles. Gerard Butler (King Leonidas) has been very convincing with his part as a stubborn leader, and so as his leading lady Lena Headey (Queen Gorgo) who was very effective playing the part of a bold wife (no pun intended, you'll see in the movie why), willing to confront anything for what she upholds and for the love of his husband and land. Special kudos goes to Rodrigo Santoro who was the God-King Xerxes of Persia in the film. He acted the part so well but I dunno if they really intended him to look and act implicatively like a homosexual.

Summing it up, the aesthetic brilliance of the movie has well compensated with the simplicity of the story. Epic lovers will sure dig this one but those that are indifferent with gore and violence should rather not try to watch it. Six gulamans.

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