THE DA VINCI CODE by jaiskizzy

the very naked dead body of an old man is found in the louvre. jean reno, the professional, is on the case and his primary suspect is forrest gump who is sporting a bad haircut. suddenlt amelie appears and tells mr. gump that this aint no ordinary murder. together, they embark on a puzzle-laden adventure to solve the mystery about the church's best kept secret, which has something to do with the priory of sion, the holy grail, and jesus banging mary magdalene. hot on their heels is an albino sith apprentice named silas who likes to hurt people and himself. so... run, forrest, run!

with the hype that surrounded dan brown's book, a movie adaptation was inevitable. despite the hype, which i believe was, and is still, too much, i have not read a single sentence inside that book (eventhough i have it in ebook form). probably part of the reason is how those people who have finished the book yap about it so much and feel like they are the smartest being on earth. maybe in the far future when the hype has died down. anyways, equally hyped to the most annoying levels is this movie. and after watching it with zero expectations and uninfluenced by negative reviews, i scratched my head and wondered what the fuss was about. although based on real facts, this is an obvious work of fiction and anyone who'd take it seriously is a moron (and what the heck is the problem if jesus was human and not god? arent his teachings the only things that should matter?!). this is simply three hours of boring talk about what ifs. the puzzles didnt even carry any weight. the plots of indiana jones 1 and 3 also had religious themes but that's a gargantuan load of fun compared to this. and both didnt even need flashbacks to explain stuff. heck, even national treasure is great compared this. the problem of this film is its lack of excitement. id take all the talk you need, but i need some thrills to boost me out of dozing off. the only discourse that entertained me was between langdon and magneto, fresh from his demise in x-men 3, as he is now a crippled geek. sir ian mckellen's performance was the sole saviour of this film, his orgasmic joy upon seeing the crypt text was so genuine.

who played geoffrey chaucer in a knight's tale, although he really needed more creepiness. they should have made him more shadowy and "ghost"-like (there should have been more scenes like when he grabbed langdon's neck in mid-speech). jean reno's fache character required tweaking as well, as it seems it was written exactly for him. then there are the two leads, one of the worst acting couples to a movie. tom hanks's robert langdon was flat and wasnt as dynamic as a hero characters are supposed to be, and the added claustrophobia didnt help 3-dimensionalize him at all. and what the hell happened to you audrey tatou?!? well, i guess this was a case of miscasting because she's a really great non-mainstream actress. she just didnt fit sophie's shoes. the only time i thought she acted well was in magneto's private plane where she was scolding silas. and by the way, if sophie was such an important person, why would her grandfather just let her run away like that? ending was predictable.

i guess it was a bad decision to get ron howard to direct this film. but the fault isnt entirely his alone. the script should have undergone a dozen more drafts. this movie felt like a lecture on a very interesting topic that you wouldnt want to miss. then when you attend it, the lecturer just goes reading a book verbatim aided by dull powerpoint slides. im sure id have hated this movie more if id read the book. but other than a couple of good points, very disappointing and boring.

the good: silas, teabing, subject matter.
the bad: all talk, no action.
the ugly: the controversy.
the verdict: 5 flogs to the back.

leonardo da skizzi.

Read More

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND by jaiskizzy

jean grey has resurrected from her watery grave and has turned into the varicose-vein-faced phoenix, posing a new threat to the uncanny x-men team. meanwhile, the homo sapiens have created a cure that would destroy the mutant gene and eventually wipe out the entire mutant race. soon, homo superior will become no mo’ superior. obviously magneto aint gonna tolerate this and so he forms an army against the humans to show em who’s boss. it’s a mutant super orgy down ‘ere in ol’ alcatraz, kid, but alas! still no gambit, ma cheri.

first off, i’ve got to say that i am a comic book uber-geek. i possess quite an extensive knowledge of the comic book universe and everytime i would sit my ass to watch a movie based on a comic book, i’d see what they did right or wrong. to achieve as much realism as it can, the film format has the liberty to alter some of the features of the book it was based on. the trick is to make it work so that us fanboys would care less. i’ve seen several negative reviews of x-men 3 but from my point of view, brett ratner managed to pull a rabbit out of the hat. you see, there’s just too many mutants and naturally too many storylines in the comics and it’s simply impossible to squeeze them all into, say, five movies, even if each was four hours long. in this 2 hour flick, they built a double-plotted story that included enough mutants to please the comic fans and one of the most compelling comic storylines ever: the dark phoenix saga. (sadly, jean grey never really goes all-out flaming dark phoenix… groan) it was good to see beast, done well by frasier; angel, giving me an overdose of wing-envy; juggernaut, played nicely by vinnie freakin jones; and shadowcat, who is doesn’t-comb-her-hair cute. to be able to let them have vital roles and not just as extras is a scriptwriting feat that deserves praise. especially kitty pryde as she, i believe, was most able to put her intangibility powers to good use. a nod also goes to the cameo by moira mctaggert, an important human character in the comics. i also liked the bit part of jamie madrox, the multiple man, despite being at the wrong side. even wronger though is that his powers to replicate cant be done at will. forgiven, due to the slightly faithful costume. didn’t like callisto one bit. or porcupine boy. ugh.

the action scenes were superb, although a bit erratically spread out i think. i’ve yet to see wolverine go berserk but his scenes were great. even if bone-throwing man and limb-regenerating man obviously didn’t stand a chance in the first place. i would have gladly paid more if they had showed him decapitating the sentinel. or berserking through three. i guess the abundance of mutants affected the screen time of the leads. storm, rogue, iceman, pyro, they kinda sorta felt like just passing through. and then there’s mystique… who… um… what a bod! far from perfect, the main mistake of this mutant movie is its pace. i think brett ratner took the rollercoaster formula too seriously. too many ups and downs, which you aren’t really able to enjoy as much. in the down parts when the characters die, they just die. as if the film is hurrying up to get to the next thrill. even the final battle sequence, grandiose as it was, felt like too contained. with all those mutants and their different powers, they could have chosen a wider warfield where they can wreck more stuff. the special effects weren’t exactly very special, awesome, but nothing stood out. good to finally see the danger room. it was also cool to watch magneto doing some city rearranging.

bryan singer may have left the x-men to do superman, but the movie was tossed over to good hands. ratner clearly knew crap about what he got himself into but he mustered enough talent to deliver a flawed but wonderful-enough movie. (p.s. there’s a little twist ending after the credits but it wasn’t shocking as it was supposed to be.)

the good: more mutants, the use of their powers, and the danger room.
the bad: the deaths and the weird pace. and no gambit!!!
the ugly: the gray-skinned dude who had bad breath.
the verdict: 7 cure shots.

skizzy superior.

Read More

SILENT HILL by jaiskizzy

a sleepwalking little girl has been creeping the hell out of her parents ever since they adopted her, saying "silent hill" while asleep. so her desperate mom takes her there to find some answers. what she find instead is the deadest town on the earth where ash falls like snow and roads suddenly crumble to emptiness. the darn kid disappears, and with the aid of a female cop who looks like pink, mom named rose ventures into the eerie streets of silent hill where its scare-you-to-shits season and freak-ass creatures galore. beware the horn! based on one of my favorite games ever because it creeps the hell out of me.

back in the days when i had the time (and the console) to play video games, one of the games i played religiously to the very end was the resident evil series. i always played it with the lights off and i thought that was the scariest game i tingled my spine on. wrong! silent hill came around and gave a new definition to horror gaming. if i wet myself when i get scared, silent hill would have made me flood my room in piss. but getting scared makes me high so i loved the damn game. and now here's the movie based on that game and what a faithful translation to film it was. the film was able to capture the essence of the game's spookiness. once rose wakes up to find herself in silent hill, it felt like she had gone inside the game itself. the atmosphere, the lighting, the set design, the color (grainy grungy and rusty), the shots (i loved the camera angles which were very much like the game especially the top view shots), the scoring (very very much like the game's music! neato!), the pace (every "chapter" would end in a fade out) and of course the monsters. my favorite? pyramid head and his big ass mother-effin knife. now that's one game boss that'll be sure tough to beat! could've worked minus the insects though. then there are those nurses with melted faces blocking rose's way (just one of the frightful scenes that got my lovely companion cringing like a child). them fidgetting faceless nurses were hot! two button-bashing thumbs up to director gans, whom im sure was a big fan of the game as well! awesome job dude!

however (god i hate howevers), this movie was two notches away from perfection. one, the acting. horrible. the only thing i liked about rose was the way she ran, which is just like in the game (which kinda weird actually). other than that, she went flat all throughout. the worst when she did the little speech in the church. yikes! well, i guess the fruit doesnt fall far from the tree cause the kid was just as unconvincing as her mother. especially on evil mode. it's in the eyes, hear me? get someone with evil eyes! the best actor in the whole cast was colin the janitor. and i mean, when rose finds him in the bathroom and he crawls(?) after her. classic. negative number two: the explanation sequence. that one kinda killed the moment. the pick up after that was great, gory great (kid-dancing-in-blood-shower great), but still, they could have done it better than that boring diplay of flashbacks which i believe lasted way too long. also, there were parts where the cgi was pretty bad but i didnt mind. i forgive em anyways, if only for that nice little touch where rose is trying to find the school. in the game, if you were lost, you'd take a peep at the map. well, they managed to incorporate that into the movie in a way. but i guess only fans of the game would find that little detail cool.

finally, a good game-based film. there are loads of video games that would make great movies, all you gotta do is do it right. and silent hill is one example. "mother is god in the eyes of a child..."

the good: basically everything that mirrors it to the game. the feel, the cinematography and the music! oh the sweet scary score!
the bad: the acting. the explanation sequence.
the ugly: the censor's bad cuts. if you're gonna do some cutting, at least get a good editor, will ya?
the verdict: 8 big ass mother-effin knives, baby.

silent skizzy.

Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3 by jaiskizzy

tom cruise returns as imf agent turned imf agent trainer, ethan hunt for another round of ethan hunting. wow. nothing can be more repetitive than that. wow. nothing can be more repetitive than that. anyways, he’s getting married but imf enlists his field expertise once again. a new agent whom he had trained has been kidnapped by by the evil philip seymour hoffman, and his mission, if he chooses to accept it, is to retrieve her. with the help of three other agents, mr. katie holmes embarks on an action-packed adventure that involves a lot of running. a lot. run, ethan, run!

like ive said before, tv was my third parent in my childhood years and the original mission: impossible series (aired on gma7 if im not mistaken) was just one of the many shows that eventually caused my poor eyesight. anyways, of the three m:i movies, to me, part three was the most faithful. as indicated by the title, the missions are seemingly impossible, but they become possible because of teamwork. in the tv series each team member had a vital role (although my fave was the disguise dude) and no one overshadowed no one. in a way, that was exercised in m:i 3, especially on the second mission in vatican city. and, there’s the sleek orange lamborghini and the slick maggie q that made me drool doubles. still, m:i 3 is a tom cruise movie(as well as the first two) and it kinda gives an impression that he never really needs the others to aid him. although tommy did justice to the hero role, i really think he must stretch his acting out of what he’s used to. and is it me or does this movie resemble minority report a bit? anyways, the other thing that made this movie work well like the tv series was the straightforward action. you’ll find none of the “money shot” sequences from m:i 2 here. just run-of-the-mill thrills but kick-ass cool nonetheless (in one mission, it doesnt even show what ethan hunt did in the 5 min deadline he promised). don’t get me wrong, john woo did a good job with that one. but j.j. abrams proved that you dont need flying bikes, slow-mos, and a million bullets to get the job done.

j.j. was able to steer the project in the right direction (2 other directors had abandoned it). the story was played out nicely. he paced the film well, with most scenes done fast and direct to the point, no prolonged dull dragging moments. this was complemented by some topnotch editing. (the opening credits were sweet!) he also put together a great cast, most notably philip seymour hoffman who gave a compelling performance as the menacing but calculated villain named owen(!). thumbs up too to simon pegg (shaun from shaun of the dead) who did great as a realistic, funny, un-robotic tech guy. and of course, the gadgets and the over-all agent activity were cool. but enough with the praises. i have one thing negative to say about this film. on some certain shots, prevalent in the action scenes, the studio must have hired a nearsighted epileptic cameraman. i think these shots were too up-close and too shaky. im sure they wanted to incorporate some grungy style of some sort (as seen in other movies) but seriously, if it makes the viewers nauseous, it defeats its purpose.

mission: impossible iii is a fine follow-up film fans would find fantastic. it’s good that hollywood is giving these younger directors a chance since they respect the material and don’t dally with over-hyping their films and just focusing more on taking the audience on a fun ride.

the good: the pacing and the editing.
the bad: the uber-tight jittery shots.
the ugly: lawrence fishburne.
the verdict: 8 rabbit’s feet.

secret agent double-o-skizzy.

Read More

PULSE by jaiskizzy

Way back in dial-up internet days of japan, there was this obscure horror film entitled pulse. good thing I found a copy. The last few horror films I saw didn’t frighten me at all and Ive really missed that feeling for so long, so thanks to pulse for brining back the fear in me. The self-dialing internet, the weird internet feed, the slow moving shadow thingy, the red taped doors, the wallprints, golly good stuff. But the one thing that was burned into my brain that I’ll never forget the awe I had upon seeing it was the no-cut scene where a woman jumps off a very high industrial building and lands smack on the ground below. Coolness.

The story is complex, and told in an even complexer way, which is great considering most Japanese movies are presented in the same approach, with scenes that seem kinda detached from the flow of the story. Ive gotten used to it so much that I expect it beforehand. An example would be the scene where the computer lab chick and the loser dude go into a train station, ride the empty train, and then go back to where they’ve been. The suicide is also an example of the “detached” scene. No Hollywood or pinoy film has employed this style and made it work. One more thing that separates this movie from the mainstream ones: the lack of screaming. I know, a good scare needs a good scream, but not always, and besides, the blaring blonde bimbo can get annoying sometimes. This movies does away with that cliché and does no harm to the fright factor

Pulse is just one more evidence of the uniqueness of Japanese films. Remakes have been made but they could never really capture the odd visuals and unorthodox storytelling. In a way I think that all Japanese filmmakers had some sort of agreement that all their movies would be done in this manner, no matter how different their movies are, there’ll be this very noticeable “essence” only Japanese films would exude. Good job, guys!

The good: the scared feeling it gave me and the red tape idea.
The bad: no sudden frights, but it’s ok, I guess.
The ugly: the black ghost dude talking about death near the end of the film.
The verdict: 8 white dots.

the skiz.

Read More

BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION by jaiskizzy

the she-devil who opened her legs and showed the whole world the thing in between them in basic instinct 1: no subtitle is back for more mind games, murder and of course hot humping action! This time around, she’s making her shrink’s life a living hell as people get murdered around him like ducks in hunting season. Whodunit? Whocares?

ah yes. basic instinct. the matrix of r-rated movies. the one that our parents didn’t want us to see back then. but we were able to anyways, and so here we are with this sequel of sorts, expecting the same steam. But nah-uh, Sharon stone disappointed me. first of all, the trailer was misleading. I could clearly remember seeing a scene there that involved one lucky sonomabitch double-teamed by two women. a ménage-a-trois. a threesome. i wanted to see its entirety. but satan knows where it went, it is nowhere to be watched and enjoyed perversely in this film. That and probably a hundred other sex scenes that were omitted in the final cut. Darn. Really, it’s basic instinct dude, why else would I watch it?! Okay, there were a couple of screwings but nothing special went on. plus, they featured the old and wrinkling Sharon stone, and a nobody not worth googling for. Not happy. So the movie basically (hehe) fails to deliver what it is notorious for, and the rest just falters with it.

the dialogue was kinda good though, especially the conversations that went on between Sharon stone and the psychiatrist dude, credit will mostly go to the fine acting from both of them. Ms. Stone was mind-fuck mistress all throughout, talking to her in real life would probably have resulted in me slapping her face or my monkey. The old wrinkling lady’s still got it, I guess. The psychiatrist dude was very very… um, psychiatristic, in a slight qui-gon jinn kinda way. But I think the movie would have worked better if Sharon stone was in a lesser role and some new sexy girl was cast in the lead, with sex scenes in 75% of the movie. Make the new lead Jessica Alba and I’d pay triple.

another case of sequel failing to at least equal its predecessor. Basic instinct 1 had fucking right from the opening credits. This one had fingering in a car running at high speed. I don’t know why they made a sequel to a classic and not try to come up with something to make it as memorable as the first. pussies.

the good: the acting.
the bad: too tame, too lame. What a shame.
the ugly: Sharon stone compared to herself in the first one.
the score: 4 big ben lighters.

the skiz.

Read More

THE HILLS HAVE EYES by jaiskizzy

a family goes on a road trip, choosing the hot california desert over a nice cozy plane flight. they soon learn their big mistake as the car's tires are spiked flat, leaving them stranded in the capital of nowhere. but that is the least of their worries for the area used to be a bomb test site and they have caught the attention of its mutant inhabitants (not the x-men). it's the carters versus the toxic avenger's relatives! place yeerrr bets!

this remake of an old wes craven fright flick was handled by a dude named alexandre aja who made the great gory film haute tension. mr. aja did pretty well with both films, dishing out more than the usual serving of gore and brutality in mainstream horror. in the hills have eyes, there are finger chopping, broken baseball bat stabbing, and an axe to the head, all that in one sequence only. there's also a nice nasty no-blood scene where a mutant dude sucks a woman's titties while aiming a revolver at her baby. and that is after he rapes her younger sister. and thank you to the dog for doing its part in the battle against mutated murderous monsters. a little thumbs up to the cast for putting a good show with such realism, especially the ones that survived, i think i would have done the same thing given the circumstances. that dude with the glasses and facial hair is one tough mother-effer. bastard won’t stay down.

however, this movie lacks one really important horror movie requirement: the scares. there are literally zero scares. no jumping off the seat or quickening of the heartbeat for me. i liked the movie but for me to enjoy it entirely there should be at least something that would give me goosebumps or make me afraid to sleep alone. i guess mr. aja forgot to include that ingredient. anyways, i liked the way how the simple wrong-place-wrong-time scenario branches off into two perspectives: getting the baby back and defending the base, both still about dealing with the vile creatures, cliffhanging you with alternating scenes. the p.o.v. shots were kinda cool as well, the one where a dog leads the baby's father into the tunnel seemed exactly the way it would look in real life, as if actually looking through the actors eyes and not a camera lens.

a decent horror flick not afraid to be ruthlessly gory the way the others aren't. and stress on the decent. another essential horror movie aspect missing from this one: t&a. the hot chick sunbathing in a blue bikini top aint enough.

the good: the gore factor.
the bad: the absence of good old scares and sex and nudity. oh come on!
the ugly: the nuclear fallout freak family. i am a heartthrob after all.
the score: 7 severed arms.

the skiz.

Read More

STAY ALIVE by jaiskizzy

Beta testing an unreleased video game entitled “stay alive”, some dude and his friends die in the same manner their characters died in the game. As a tribute (what?!) his other friends decide to play the game as well and soon enough they too get killed the way they get killed in the game thanks to the blood-bathing bitch countess Elizabeth bathory!

This movie is a case of good premise, bad execution. I mean really, if you play the game and you in the game, you’ll die for real. How can you possibly fck up a cool concept like that? Apparently someone can and did. First mistake was the poorly written screenplay. Every scene was just badly laid out. The dialogue was flat. Plot holes everywhere. When the dead bodies were turning up, the police were like all over the gamers. Then they’re just completely out of the picture. Also, agent cody banks’ unexplained resurrection. And then there is the senseless back story of the lead. Mistake number two was the bad actors. Not the worst ive seen but seriously, it is obvious that they chose to cast unknowns to fit their tight budget but come on, man, at least get some good people. The last mistake would be the pg-13 rating. Why make a movie and call it a horror movie if it doesn’t have anything scary in it, no blood, no gore, no sex and nudity? And to think the video game in the movie is a horror game. Sheesh. Maybe they should have made the movie about text twist instead.

Now, allow me to point out a couple of good things about this flawed flick. The game controller buzz as a scare effect. That was a nice touch. But they should have used more and properly. I also liked the game itself. They should have made a game like that for real. I’d play it. The movie should have made an impression on viewers that if there really was a game called “stay alive” they wouldn’t play it for fear of actually dying (I guess this wont work on me even if they did manage to give off that effect, Im the kind of person who wants a chucky doll and would be happy to sleep with it). Sadly the only impression it made was that it was not impressive at all.

Oh god how I miss the really good scary movies…

the good: the premise. the game.
the bad: the movie.
the ugly: my face realizing the time and money I wasted.
the score: 3 vibrating game controllers.

the skiz.

Read More

ULTRAVIOLET by jaiskizzy

from the makers of equilibrium comes this femme fatale flick that feels videogame-ish and with a plot that goes something like: in a world you may not understand... there are these hemophages, you see, and they are like vampires and they have superhuman capabilities, and the normal humans want them eradicated. violet is one of them, and so she infiltrates a lab and steals the weapon which will supposedly put an end to the hemophages but it turns out it is just a boy and violet decides to protect him against her fellow hemophages who want him dead. ah screw the plot.

i liked the aeon flux cartoon on mtv. i hated the live action aeon flux movie. why? because it failed to capture the essence that made the cartoon great: good storyline, good action. i mean, isnt that what all action movies should have? if you cant have both, at least pump up the action juice to compensate for the flawed plot (because less action and more story aint gonna cut as a good action movie). that's what ultraviolet did. they avoided the usual mistake of sacrificing the action for plot development. with a plot the viewers wont care about understanding anyway, focus on the real meat of the matter right? the shooting, the fighting, the swordplay, the special effects, and it worked for me. not much, but enough to say that it is a better movie than aeon flux. still there were boring moments that got past the cutting room. especially those that only had violet and six in them.

take for example the matrix. why is that movie so good? great story, great action. even when neo's already doing kicks in bullet time, you're still rooting for him out of care. in ultraviolet, from from the moment violet arrived at the lab to the last battle, i knew she'd win. okay, so the sfx were good, she could change the color of her clothes and hair anytime, she defies gravity and pulls weapons out of nowhere and loads her gun with bullets coming out of her wrists, there were some nice gun-kata, but beyond that, there was nothin connection between violet and me. i didnt feel her pain. it was like, she did all of it because she can. not because she has to. the storyline lacked a lot of weight. (a movie with the same condition would be van helsing). in the end, even when they both discovered they were gonna die soon, even after violet cried over the boy thinking he was dead, even when the ending meant hope, you'll easily flush the movie out of your system. no conversations about this movie will ever occur, but if there were, it will be about some of the action sequences, and it wont last longer than five minutes or branch out into deep debates.

ultraviolet = ultravioleNt? nope. visually-appealing but not very impressive. i didnt even use the adjective "cool" anywhere in the previous paragraphs. sheesh.

the good: action choreography. nice for an american film.
the bad: everything else.
the ugly: violet's bangs.
the score: 5 bladed guns.

the skiz.

Read More

THE PROMISE by jaiskizzy

this epic fantasy is about a slave with superspeed running powers, a beautiful princess/royal concubine worshipped by men, and a kick-ass general with a kick-ass armor whose lives are intertwisted by fate in love triangle story that goes a little something like this: general hires slave. general wants princess. general is wounded. general makes slave wear armor and get princess. princess falls in love with slave thinkin it is general. slave falls in love with princess and keeps it to himself. slave, princess, and general decide to get it over with and have a threesome. last sentence not true.

there's a big part of the filipino in me that envies the chinese film industry. whenever you mention "chinese movie", you'd usually think "kung fu" (and when you mention "pinoy movie" you'd usually think "face-slapping", "excessive crying" and "dancing in the beach"). i have seen numerous chinese flicks, and apart from being mostly kung fu, ive always noticed how each film was different from the rest and very well made. shots you never see anywhere else. actors who do their own martial arts and stunts. costumes that belong to a museum. and most of the time, especially in epics, the story just captures your attention. to name a few: storm riders, a man called hero, hero, and the house of flying daggers. the promise (wu ji) falls right into the same department.

what i really liked most about this movie was the fight scenes. hands down, the best yet ive laid my eyes on so far. i couldnt tell exactly whether it was "wire-fu" or cgi. if you've ever seen a sugo episode, you've definitely seen the horrible way they use the harness to show flight or floating. even if the wires have been magically erase through editing (and believe me, it aint easy), you still would actually swear that the guy has wires and people are pulling him up. if sugo is the "how-not-to-do-it", the promise is the "how-to-do-it-perfectly". the early war scene with the general battling a battalion all by himself was a great way to begin this fantasy fight fest. there was also a fight scene near a tree and any wire would have been entangled in the branches but this dude still flies up with ease and then lands with gravity. also, in the villain's hq, a fight scene between the villain and the slave involves razor-sharp fans that the villain throws in the air, continues fighting with the slave as the fan spins around them, and then catches it as if on cue. like i said, whether they did it with wires or cgi, they did it good. the other aspect of the film that makes it work wonderfully was the cast. a lot of credit oughta go to the dude who plays kunlun the slave. for a koreanovela actor, he pulled it off nicely. same goes to the japanese guy who played a chinese general. but my utmost appreciation belongs to cecilia cheung, couldnt have thought of a better actress to play the much-sought after princess (except maybe layla...). she's so versatile and so gorgeous, a perfect choice for the role of a concubine who's mere glance gives warriors a hard-on. she's thinner than the last time i saw her in a movie, but i cant complain. it is only her that surpasses the effects in giving this movie its magnificence(the "kite" sequence alone, i could watch over and over).

an excellent epic i extremely enjoyed.

the good: the wire-fu and cecilia cheung
the bad: the "prologue" which i didnt understand at first. but i guess it's just me.
the ugly: the general in a steamy sex scene with cecilia cheung. lucky bastard...
the score: 9 white feathers.

the skiz.

Read More

OLDBOY by jaiskizzy

oh dae-su is abducted and locked up in a hotel-ish prison for reasons he doesn't know. after 15 years of gas-induced sleep, masturbating on tv singers, and plotting his revenge on the guilty parties, he is released, as mysterious as he was captured, with a cellphone and a load of cash. a stranger calls him, telling him that he has 5 days to find out the whole truth, and with he help of a waitress, he pursues his vengeance spree, unaware of the dreadful conclusion that awaits him.

this film had eluded me for ages since i heard of it. ive gone to many dvd hunts lookin for it but to no success. then, some time in september, i saw an internet article saying that the movie will be screened free at a place called titus-brandsma, but alas! it was on a saturday, i was still on probationary employment with a six-day work week back then and ive exhausted my absences for the month already. and then finally, i have managed to acquire a crisp-quality copy with subtitles, and, as ive said before, the wait was all worth it. the famous one-take hallway brawl scene was as good as i imagined it would be. lots of great camera work. not as gory as takashi miike's movies, but still gut-wrenching enough to make it unforgettable. stunning piece from park chan wook (who directed "cut" from three...extremes). it must have been a grueling yet rewarding experience for the whole crew to come up with a film like this.

there is nudity and sex, but id rather not spill a word about it. actors were perfect, the highest of praises to dae-su, especially in the ending. it'll make you wonder if you'd react the same way in the same situation. this is the most crooked character-driven drama ive seen so far. the "magic" (for lack of a better term) of this movie would definitely be ruined if i say more than ive already said. you'll just have to see it for yourselves. and trust me, nothing you can do to prepare for this wicked ride...

the good: the story. it'll grab you, make you cringe, or shock you to the bone, depending on the kind of person you are. me? i was awed. creeped out, but awed.
the bad: the slow pace, which didnt bother me much, might turn most viewers off
the ugly: just about everything, upon seeing the twist ending.
the score: 10 live octopi.

the skiz.

Read More

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE by jaiskizzy

through a magical closet, four siblings stumble into the ice-laden realm of narnia, fulfilling the prophecy that 2 sons of adam and 2 daughters of eve will come to aid qui-gon jinn the lion in vanquishing the white witch and put and end to her tyrannical rule. let the fantastic cgi war commence!

when i edited the two-mintue-plus mulawin movie trailer for television last year, the cgi didnt impress me at all. well, maybe the dragon looked good but overall, it bombed, for me anyways. then i read somewhere that exodus was boasting of having more cgi scenes than the lord of the rings. that was enough to tick me off with these darn movies. quality over quantity, you morons, and quality with proper usage. in a hilarious review of mulawin (read here scroll down to lupisan), some dude points out how the dragon never really interacted with the real players (and from the trailer i edited, there was this scene of two kid mulawins flying side by side, their wings overlapping. sheesh). when i saw narnia with layla and my sibs, it only stressed my point that no matter how they say that our film industry has come a long way regarding special effects, we're still eating dust from those who are way ahead. so until they could equal the seamlessness of the narnia griffon alone, they ought to shut the hell up.

kudos in big heaps to the geeks who made aslan come to life, and i mean really come to life. that was the most realistic lion animation ever. and apart from the aforementioned griffon, my favorite would be the cheetahs. in the scenes where they're part of the crowd, they were so human, the best cgi rendition of a curious bystander ive seen. then there's the centaurs which are just plain cool. which brings us to the climactic battle that is basicaclly all of these good things multiplied and mashed together in a ferocious fight frenzy. simply breathtaking. cgi is meant to suspend disbelief. we know it's not there, it's not real, but when the cgi is well-done and well-used, you believe for a moment that it is.

anyways, the sfx aint the only thing that made narnia work. although the kids werent very good actors, they did their roles justice. great performance by tilda swanton, the white witch, who played gabriel in constantine. awesome set designs (the ice statues were "cool") and costumes. ive never read a page of the narnia books, but the story was weaved fine in the movie. it's always good to watch a movie meant for kids and like it as an adult. wish i had a magic wardrobe as well. it should open up to the playboy mansion instead though.

the good: primarily, the special effects. those whol'll be making next pinoy sfx-heavy fantasy movie should learn from this film.
the bad: if the potion that santa claus gave to lucy cured all wounds with a single drop, how come edmund still had one on his lip?
the ugly: the scene where they're walking on a rock bridge formation and they get a nice view of narnia. obviously done with a green screen.
the score: 8 turkish delights.

the skiz.

Read More

HOSTEL by jaiskizzy

two american dudes and their new icelandic buddy travel around europe for some double-b fun: beer and babes (and breasts and butts). they are then lured to a hostel in bratislava where gorgeous, hot, horny women await them. what seems to be a wet dream come true for them (and all men) turns out to be a nightmare underneath when suddenly another b word is added to mix: blood. this, friends, is my kinda movie.

easily made the list of my favorite films i keep inside my head. started off kinda slow, but i didn't mind, thanks to the huge amount of t&a (oh yeah). i mean all of it is vital to the story since these guys are lookin for adventure, and i guess it worked cause a part of me desired to try amsterdam out and immerse myself in the same hedonistic activities (only in your dreams, skiz. you are not single...). anyways, so as tipped by some dude through pictures of him burried under female nakedness, the trio head to bratislava and check into a hostel where they have to share a room with strangers. but these strangers have nice tits and soon they've paired off and testing the bedsprings. next morning, the icelander is missing, supposedly he ran off with a japanese chick. (trivia: this movie has 9 different languages and zero subtitles, and holds the record for the most different languages in an american film without subtitles. cool.) you'll just have watch the film or yourselves to find out what follows next because it's a road staight to spoiler zone. only thing i could say is that all that skin baring level is then surpassed by violence and gore, with finger slicing, open chests, and optic nerve cutting to name a few. real awesome juicy stuff. obviously, this movie is very much a guy flick. but im pretty sure some if not many girl would enjoy it, although probably not as much as us men (espcially me) would. but there is one scene near the very end that most if not all girls would relate to: when the girl sees her reflection in the glass and what she does after that. classic.

the cameo by takashi miike (genuflect), who makes movies like this, was so cool, and made him live right up to his reputation. the endind was perfect, (i almost applauded like the audience in the vcd did, only i was watching it alone) the details of which id rather not discuss to avoid spoiling it, so i'll just say the one word that was plastered in my brain all throughout the ending sequence: punishment.

produced by quentin tarantino and directed by eli roth (great work, guys), this fine fucked-up flick's got more gore than you'll ask for. definitely not for the squeamish. and i hope it stays that way when they release it in our theaters because i will watch it again. a truly superb movie. i completely enjoyed every maniacal moment, every mindfuckin minute, and every sadistic second of it. here's to gore noir(term by harry knowles)!

the good: everything. the nudity, the carnage, the plot, the script, the direction. like i said, everything.
the bad: well, just a lil complaint. that blond dude character. what a total wuss...
the ugly: the gore of course! but it is ugliness that's beautiful!
the score: 10 bubble gum chewing street kids. hehe.

the skiz.

Read More