NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN by jaiskizzy

gist: that doctor dude in planet terror who injected his hot wife's hands with anesthesia goes hunting for deer in the desert and happens upon the aftermath of a fucked-up drug deal. he finds a suitcase filled with money and finders-keepers it. hot on his heels is this creepy guy with a haircut that looks like it was done by a retarded barber, who is probably dead because this creepy guy has "killing people" under interests in his friendster profile. hot on this guy's heels is two-face from batman forever except that he doesn't have two faces this time so he's just one-face now. also, he doesn't do the coin flip thing, the creepy bad haircut guy does it.

the reaction: if you haven't seen the big lebowski, then you should 'cause you've missed out a bit. (i know i have, because i havent seen enough coen bros. movies. anyone got fargo?). it's one of my favorite movies and not just because of jesus quintana and tara reid offering a blowjob for 1 gs. anyways, so the story for no country for old men is not about deported geezers but basically revolves around three dudes chasing each other, the centerpiece being bad haircut guy who is like a robot built for killing (like the terminator, but minus one-liners), a calm, emotionless murderer who whacks his targets without double thoughts, remorse or care. he's like, "hmm, i think i'll kill this man." bam! man's dead. this dude is so badass, he could probably eat a running chainsaw and shit steak knives. his weapon of choice, though, is this cattle gun, a tank of compressed air on one end and a thing that can punch holes on people's heads and unlock doors on the other. if you ever see your doorknob suddenly flying across the room, run.

great acting from javier bardem (bad haircut guy). i cant imagine anyone else filling the role. he instantly soared high on my list of favorite movie villains. and i dont think anybody in hollywood can sport a haircut like that and still look mean. tommy lee jones was kinda meh, but still okay, echoing a bit his role in the fugitive. moss, a.k.a. josh brolin, good actor as well. in complete contrast to his menacing role in that grindhouse half, here, i was actually rooting for him and wanted him to escape bad haircut guy's clutches. i know bad haircut is a professional killer, but if he ever failed on a hit, i wanted it to be moss.

great direction though by the coens. the movie had just the right tension that you cant wait to see what would happen next. it wasn't too talky, which is good. my favorite scenes are the coin toss scene in the store with the old man (suspensefuller than recent horror films) and how bad haircut guy steals medical supplies from a pharmacy. he's like the macgyver of murderers, man. nice touch also with the absence of a music score, except for a couple of parts, but even then they were so subtle. i just didnt like how the story ended like that. we followed moss, bad haircut guy and tommy lee jones like stalkers all throughout the movie so much and then all of a sudden, an event happens but we only get to see the aftermath and the movie is done. ftw? still, i'd choose that ending over pinoy movie song-and-dance-in-the-beach endings any day.

all in all, no country for old men deserved the oscar win. hats off to the coens...except i dont wear a hat. glasses off then.

the good: story, pacing, villain.
the bad: a "huh?" ending.
the ugly: that fuckin haircut.
the verdict: 8 cattle guns.


your friendo, skizzo.

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SEX AND DEATH 101 by jaiskizzy

the gist: an engaged dude's smooth life goes bumpy (or perfect, depending on perspective) when he receives an email containing a list of names of the women he'd had sex with in the past. but the list does not end with the name of his fiancee. there's even more names below it and soon he realizes that the rest are the ones he will screw in the future. how cool is that? of course, he does what any real man would do: call off the wedding and follow the list. meanwhile, a mysterious woman dubbed "death knell", played exquisitely by winona ryder (where have you been?), is going around town "killing" guys who have committed sex crimes. and so i ask, will this femme fatale and that fortuned fornicator find each other? but more importantly, where can i get my list?! come on!

the reaction: do you guys know the death clock? you know, the website where you do some inputs and it tells you the exact day you would supposedly die? if it's true, then mine's soon. it's still years away, but still pretty close. i oughta be doing some out of the country travels by now. anyways, i guess that's what the message of this movie is. what would you do with such knowledge? is it a gift or a curse? that polarity is well played in 101 as in one point, our horny hero has surrendered to his fate of fucking and then in another, buries the list in the ground to take back control of his life. and then there's the part where he's not through with the list, but he meets the woman he considers "the one". behind all of this is the oracle, the machine that sent the email, and the three men who run it, alpha, beta and fred. the oracle probably represents god who has given out predefined lives and the trio is the main character's conscience, although fred's the only one excited about what the list simply is for: sex with a lot of women. well, that's how i see it.

hmm. speaking of seeing, did you see good luck chuck? man, that movie sucked shitballs. despite having slightly similar premises (guy does a lot of girls), 101 beats chuck by acres. the only things good about chuck were jessica alba and the ridiculous amount of women that bared their bodies and bounced uglies with that lucky bastard dane cook. 101 doesnt have both. yes, there's some nudity but in a quantity too modest for a sex-oriented film. nice-assed natassia malthe covered her chest. there's even clothed sex. i guess the budget didnt suffice for more undressing. so cheers for sophie monk and the rest of the uninhibited ingenues for displaying the goods for the sake of perversion.

of course, 101 won't stand erect and mighty if not for the exceptional efforts of simon baker as the libidinous leading/ladies man. dont know who he is but when i watched the movie he kinda seemed familiar. after a quick trip to imdb, i found out that he was the guy in scorsese's hitchcock homage, the key to reserva. comparing the two entirely unalike roles, this dude's pretty good. and what about the actress named winona? she's terrific as death knell. she's hot and weird and silly and cute all at the same time. ive never seen her with so much cleavage. she really needs to resurface into mainstream and bring that with her. anyways, the one remember most in the movie is the guy who played fred. he's got great lines. he's like the guy at work or in school who always says something funny to break the tension and you're left with wishing you had said it. which is why i wonder how he landed that oracle job.

still cant point a phalange on what genre this film belongs. drama? nah. rom-com? probably. feel-good? yes. dark comedy? definitely. whatever, man. watching this is like hooking up with a nice girl you barely know, talking with her about the physics of life and then having slow, passionate sex afterwards. she may not be the best girl around but you sure had a great time with her.

the good: the story/script and the t&a.
the bad: the killjoys.
the ugly: the real cynthia rose.
the verdict: 7 names of women im gonna have sex with.


the one-winged angel of death (and sex).

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SHUTTER (the remake) by jaiskizzy

the gist: the exceptional thai horror movie that starred piolo pascual is mangled to shitty bits in this unnecessary hollywood remake. a professional photographer goes to tokyo with his new wife for a job and after a mysterious car accident, they are haunted through pictures by a ghost from the past... oh, hell. fuck this shit!

allow me this one first: stop the asian horror movie remakes! seriously, stop it! filmmaker dudes, do not sell the rights to your masterpieces! do not be blinded by money! it's a trap! they'll turn it into crap! it's a crap trap!

this absolute piece of rotten animal feces is proof that nothing good comes out of hollywoodizing asian cinema. it just doesnt translate right. what they should do instead is bring the original film to their shores so that viewers can enjoy the film in its unadulterated form. here in shutter, they not only had complete disregard for the original, they even disrespected it by turning the thai film into a japanese one. that's just wrong. i dont care if the director is japanese and every crew member is japanese. they should have just made the whole thing in america. but even that wouldn't solve the film's big issue: it's a remake.

from frame one, anyone who has seen the original will surely see how it was destroyed. the leads are newlyweds and the vengeful ghost appears in pictures taken while they were having sex on the floor. the girl, that chick from transformers who isn't megan fox, later realizes that the ghost wasn't trying to scare her but was warning her from spending her life with an evil-secret-carrying husband. barfcakes. shouldn't she be warned before she actually marries the guy? then there's the entirely new location change of where the bad deed took place. the school is now an office and... wait, um, in the pictures with the models, the ghost gives clues by putting white streaks on a particular floor in the building in the background, which happens to be the office of the photographer's friend. but, the actual rape happens somewhere else. which makes no sense at all. and the ending is just horrible.

i could point out more shit but im starting to smell so i'd just end this review with an ellipsis...

the good: the chick from transformers (who isn't megan fox) taking off her top but it probably was a body double.
the bad: the acting, the changes, the non-scares, everything. gimme my money back!
the ugly: killing the ghost by flash bulb burning. uh, what?
the verdict: 1 long tongue french kiss.


shitter.

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ONCE by jaiskizzy

the gist: a struggling musician takes his acoustic heartaches to the streets for a few bucks and meets a cute czech chick who has as much passion for music as he does. he plays the guitar, she, the piano and they immediately glue together, igniting the needed spark to each of their stagnant lives. from a magical music shop moment to a wondrous recording studio session, the nameless songsmiths find themselves in the dilemma of starting anew or patching things up with their pasts. will this love song of a movie end with them in a duet or doing solos? can i do this review without musical puns?

the reaction: ive been asked a lot of times if i play the guitar and i wonder, do i really carry a rockstar demeanor to cause that question? but i do wish i play the guitar sometimes. however, i dont, can't and probably won't for the rest of this life. i play the drums though. poorly. anyways, after watching this movie once (title, not number) i completely gave that wish up. because even if i did start learning to play now, i do not possess a singing voice that came close to half the power of glen's (the guy who plays...the guy in the film). dude sings with a lot of heart, and i really mean a lot. every song he sings, he sings with raw emotion, as if he's not actually singing and just telling you how he feels exactly and it just happened to have rhymes and a tune. given that he's a real musician, frontman of a band called the frames, and it was him who actually wrote the songs in real life and as portrayed in the film, but man, you could really see how much pain he endured and used to create the songs. when he starts screaming in "say it to me now" in the street, i didn't think he was crazy as i would if i saw someone do that in real life. but that's the thing: nobody's ever seen a real sidewalk singer perform like that. i think i'd be more likely to throw my money in if there was one. (i actually flicked a 20-peso bill at glen but it just bounced off the tv screen).

and there's, marketa, the cute czech chick i mentioned awhile ago. she doesnt have a name in the movie as well, but let's call her marketa so i wouldn't run out of synonyms for "girl". it was a great idea, by the way, to keep the characters unnamed, that they could be anyone, you, your friend, your friend's friend who cheated on your friend's girlfriend. anyways, like glen, marketa is also a real-life musician. her voice is sweet and she plays the piano without camera-angle cheats. again, you feel her love for music that when the two of them play and sing together for the first time, you will get goosebumps as i did. that was a great scene. a perfect (pitch perfect? tee-hee) translation of those jam sessions i used to have with my best friend luigi, even the ones over beer, with the "you do this, i do that" beginning and just melded together as you went along. what makes the scene work, i think, is the fact they're real people doing something they actually do in real life and not something they rehearsed over and over. it was like, the director just said, okay, you two do your thing and i'll just film it.

but that's where the only problem i have about the film comes in. they're non-actors. and when they do try to act, it slightly seems fake. cant blame them though but i guess the director could have tried something to bring over the realism of the scenes where the two leads where just being their real selves. oh and by the way, this is a love story, but more on the love for music and not too much on the love between glen and marketa. their musical "affair" serves as a mere buffer episode, like an rpg sidequest, so don't scratch your heads over the lack of actual contact or the ending. you're looking for the movie where, just by the halfway mark, the female lead has already cheated on her husband with a guy she barely knows. this aint it.

dont watch this movie if you are one of those people who feel like they dont have any talents because you'd probably hate your parents and wish you had one to be just as passionate on. a "modern-day musical" but not quite, i highly recommend this one with what little credibility i have. okay. im gonna go bang on my drums for a while...


the good: the songs, the shots, the realism
the bad: when the non-actors act
the ugly: the holes on the guy's guitar
the verdict: 9 vacuum cleaners


he who cannot sing.

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HORTON HEARS A WHO! by jaiskizzy

the gist: jim carrey voices horton, a fanciful elephant who hears a voice from a speck only he could hear. he immediately believes that tiny people exist in the speck and starts carrying it around nestled on a flower, much to the chagrin of a kangaroo who thinks horton is poisoning the minds of children with his delusions. meanwhile, the mayor of whoville (steve carrell) notices odd happenings in his town and soon learns that whoville is the speck that horton has which, of course, the whovillians think is bulldung. with the fate of whoville upon his trunk, horton braves the nool jungle to put the speck in a place safe from harm. will horton accomplish his mission? will the non-believers find enlightenment? will jim carrey ever talk out of his ass again? ace ventura 3 please!!!

the reaction: the first time i came across dr. seuss's horton the elephant was in a looney tunes cartoon where horton is bamboozled by a bird into sitting on her egg while she goes on a vacation or something. horton, who meant what he said and said what he meant, climbs on the tree and stays with the egg until it hatches (in a cute little twist ending) because an elephant's faithful 100 percent. i could still remember the fish that shot itself. any-who, this movie is a ginormous step from that 2d short, a 72-page book inflated to a full-length film. it's as good as kiddie cgi movies can go, with the humor, the movements, the moral lesson(s) fit for the little ones, but you may find something to ponder about in it if you pay enough attention. i mean, the existence of an imaginary being speaking from the heavens who has the whole world under his care will surely have the religious roaring with their rosaries. heck, even the line "a person is a person no matter how small" pulled pro-life activists out of their abodes and had them picketing the theaters with their anti-abortion clamor. but that's taking the fun out of watching horton prance around, holding a flower. and saying that the previous sentence meant horton is gay.

now, since i had a non-dr. seuss childhood, i really dont know what elements from the book made it to the movie and was given justice, except maybe the elephant, whoville, and the rhymes. the obligatory villain comes in the form of a kangaroo that pouch-schools her son and wants to be in control of everything. her evilness worked, at least not too much to scare the kid viewers, which is why it was pretty hard to digest the fact that she turned face quite easily. in whoville, the villains are a team of grinch-lookalikes who have the same agenda of disregarding anything that would cause change (kinda like what's happening in our country now, dont you think?). anyways, there are a bunch of other characters worth noting like the speedy blue creature morton, which is like horton's conscience, and jojo, whoville mayor's emo son, who was my favorite character up until the ending where he [anti-spoiler] the [anti-spoiler] by [anti-spoiler] so that [anti-spoiler] them. and then there's this weird cute yellow...uh, thing named katie who, along with the others' imaginary speck-worlds, says "in my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies." now that is some crazy shit.

speaking of shit, voices, yes, jim carrey owned horton. at first, before seeing the film, i couldn't really imagine him as an elephant so i surmised he'd play around with his voice to match, but his real voice worked just fine. it is jim carrey, however, so he still got to play around with his voice in some parts. steve carrell did pretty well as well as the mayor. that's about all i can distinguish because i couldnt quite recognize everybody else. props to will arnett for voicing vlad the vulture (or bald eagle, not sure). i made guesses that maybe it was jim carrey as well and at some points, antonio banderas. i had no idea who it was 'til i saw the credits.

the animation is nothing short of impressive, which isnt saying much because there's really nothing new cgi-wise introduced here. except for the water, the cg is seamless, especially horton's movements which made it seem like jim carrey had a motion capture suit on the whole time. there are a couple of non-3d scenes in there, one resembling dr. seuss illustrations, the other, hilariously anime-inspired, both of which represent horton's imaginings. imho, it would have been better if a third one was squeezed in there, maybe stop-motion, just to play more on horton's wild mind and not come off as plain fillers which im sure a good number of whiners will point out as. more jim carrey: i dont know if anyone else noticed this but this film had some pretty obvious jim carrey references. exhibit a: when the mayor talks about their genealogy to his son, he inhales a big breath of air to speak nonstop, which is like the videoke scene in cable guy. exhibit b: when the mayor is about to have his root canal, the anesthesia is accidentally injected on his arm, which then becomes limp, definitely from ace ventura: when nature calls.

best viewed with some kids in tow, horton hears a who! is a nice little cgi movie replete with nice little laughs. whether the philosophical jabs were intended by dr. seuss or not, try to keep the debate ammo at bay and just enjoy the film as it is. i mean, fudge, it's a talking elephant for chrissakes.

the good: animation, story, voicing, humor
the bad: "can't fight this feeling anymore"
the ugly: not-the-bunny-with-cookies vlad
the verdict: 7 banana cigars


skizzy is hateful 100%
or
skizzy hears a boo!

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THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES by obi

[CAUTION: SPOILERS]
The story revolves around the Grace family, who move away from the city to live on a ragtag countryside mansion owned by their grandaunt Lucinda. Early on the movie, strange things happen inside the house that eventually lead to the discovery of a coexisting fantastical "dimension" of goblins, sprites, and fairytale beings. All of which are detailed on a collection of journals written by their great-grand uncle Arthur Spiderwick. This same tome is being coveted by an evil ogre, Mulgarath, for it contains information that can give him powers unimaginable... wait... UNIMAGINABLE!!!

Yan.

Kiddie fantasy adventure plot follows which eventually leads to Mulgarath's defeat and Aunt Lucinda reunited with her lost father, Arthur. A stereotypical fairytale ending.

I have to admit I enjoyed the fantasy ride. The comic reliefs has been well-placed into the story when things get serious. The storyline is quite predictable in that on most parts of the plot, it's a no brainer to know what is going to happen next. BUT... big BUT... I have to mention (and the only scene on the film that caught me off guard) the part where Mulgrath was defeated by (SPOILER!) none other than Hogsqueal??? It was one of the lamest ending for a kiddie fantasy flick that I've seen. So lame, that I think it was made just for the heck of having an ending. OK... Mulgarath (a shape-shifter) was tricked/predicted/coerced to transform into his signature avian-form and Hogsqueal (with his uncanny predilection to feed on birds) sacked and swallowed him outright. That's it. That's how your big bad guy died (along with the film's climax).

However, ending aside, the movie narrative is paced with a good dramatic flow. It set a different lighter tone from films of the same genre. Not as swashbuckling as Narnia. Not as dark as Potter. Not as brainless as Jumanji. And apparently, not as intense as the Lord of the Rings. Just the right fairytale story elements on a compact movie. It's a good family watch.

CG is great. Animation is cool. The portrayal of the fantastic creatures are well-thought of. Computer animated characters have delivered the right facial features and expressions. Thimbletack is cuddly and lovable, even at his deranged alter ego. Hogsqueal is a cool comedy relief character. Mulgarath and his goblin horde looks just right as the scary antagonists (although I've read reviews that said they were too scary for kids... psh!).

The flesh casts are so so. I find the kids Jared and Simon Grace (both Freddie Highmore) lacking in intensity. But that's just me. I haven't read the books so I can't really tell if their characters are really supposed to be boring or lackluster or lame. I salute the kid however for acting for two totally different character-type roles and give at least a mediocre justification for it. Mallory Grace (Sarah Bolger), the sister, and Helen Grace (Mary Parker), the mom, is on the average acting job too. Lucinda and Arthur Spiderwick (as if they needed much acting) plays their role well. But still, all in all, I'd rather see Mulgarath win an acting award for the film over all of them.

Conclusion: Although it will tickle the child inside most adult watchers, the movie's main market is kids around 4 years to 8. It's a delightful fantasy film created with them in mind.

Seven gulamans worth.

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JUNO by jaiskizzy

the gist: after kitty pryde played tag with juggernaut in x-men 3, she left the school and moved to the suburbs and started a band with the less-talky guy from superbad (not mclovin) who now is a member of the track team and wears very short shorts all the time. anyways, something happens on a couch and kitty, who now calls herself juno, gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption to teen wolf too's todd and the ass-kickin alias chick who was also in daredevil because they got married but cant make a baby no matter how much sex they have. juno's father by the way is j. jonah jameson from spider-man but he doesn't shout a lot this time.

the reaction: until the day i die, i'll always wish i could do my high school years over. i really missed out a lot, especially in priapic conquests, by being such a wuss. that is why i will make sure that my future son avenges me. anyways, high school is the threshold for discoveries to would-be adults and the end result of one of those discoveries is unwanted pregnancy, which is mostly hell for the guilty parties. that's where juno got blessed. her parents don't go nuclear, the baby's dad doesn't breath down her nape, her school doesn't expel her, the couple who would adopt the baby seem cool and everything's accompanied by a soundtrack to put on high-priority downloading. but what seems like a conflict-lacking storyline actually comes off quite compelling, thanks to the wonderfully written script.

this splendor of a script was scribed by a (former) stripper named diablo cody. i salute her for penning a brilliant, biting screenplay that's like a machine gun loaded with uniquely intelligent and funny bullets. although it is hugely told from a female perspective, it is on a level of entertainment suited for both sexes and not as girlie as, say, the sappy jane austen movies that no man would ever admit to having watched and, yikes, cried on. every banter between characters and every off-kilter remark that escapes juno's cute mouth deserves attention. they feel like something we all want to say but not in the same way. and with a premise that's practically similar to knocked up, it's amazing how the two films are entirely different from each other. one of the scenes i liked was the one where jason bateman's character mark tells dario-argento-loving juno about h.g. lewis and they watch a video of a woman having her stomach impaled by a large metal thingy and the pregnant juno likes it.

ellen page was perfect. this girl can act. she was scary in hard candy but stayed cute the whole time, which is creepy. that movie just made me stay away from underage girls even more. now here she is working her mumbo-jumbo again and she just nails every witty line. made me forget for a while there that the weird girls during my high school years were never as cute as her or ever hung out with a hottie in braids and schoolgirl skirts (omg olivia thirlby). michael cera barely said anything and he was just great. there are movie dudes who give great love speeches and then there's michael cera, lord of the low-key. the rest of the cast are older and have more experience so let's just keep the praises to the newbies.

touted as last year's little miss sunshine, juno bagged four oscar nominations (best picture, best actress, director and best original screenplay) and i would be darn surprised if this gem of a film doesnt win at least one of those. it's definitely one of the best of 2007's releases, proving that not all comedies have to be slapstick, gross, r-rated or a spoof of some other movie. this is one baby you won't want to abort.

the good: the screenplay, the cast, the soundtrack, just about everything.
the bad: it's quite girl-biased.
the ugly: the crotch closeups.
the verdict: 9 strawberry panties.


skizzy pop.

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HITMAN by jaiskizzy

the gist: when bret hart decided to quit wrestling.... (just kidding) when it comes to assassins-for-hire, 47 is #1. raised by a secret organization known as... the organization (it was the agency in the game) to become the perfect killer, he never misses a target and always gets away clean. however on a mission to kill the russian president, things don't go as planned. it seems his peeps have turned against him, putting our bald-headed anti-hero out on the run from the interpol and the fsb and against other nameless agents, with a hot babe who hates clothes tagging along. did you notice there are zero alliterations on the synopsis?

the reaction: the hitman video game franchise is one of my favorites because it's not just your usual button-mashing, shoot-everything-in-sight first-person adventure. it's a game of tactics and stealth and completion of the mission requires precision and consideration of every option before making a decision for a slight miscalculation means a bad situation. waha. anyways, with the previous videogame-to-movie flops, one would normally think that the filmmakers would exert extra effort to do really well because the audience could only have high expectations at this point. you can't make a movie that's just good. it has to be really, really great to please the fans and non-fans alike. with hitman, i feel like they didn't actually try to make a hitman movie. they were instead trying to make the next big action flick, took some inspirations from the game and slapped that title on it and waited for the cash to flow in. they barely paid respect to the source material. so, is it good or bad? let us begin with the negatives.

the biggest mistake of this movie is timothy olyphant. he just does not fit the role. when casting rumors began, fanboys were unitedly screaming only one name: jason statham. after seeing him in transporter, he was agent 47 for me. all he needed was the red tie. i dont know what happened but they picked timothy olyphant instead. the movie kinda lost it right there. sure, he's a good actor but he just does not look and feel like agent 47. i mean, vin diesel was also considered at one point and i would have liked vinny over timmy. why? because he just didn't have the eyes of a killer. granted he was able to pull off how agent 47 moved, walked, talked (must have watched game clips over and over) but he didn't get the eyes. he never looked like a cold-blooded assassin at all. well, there was one scene where he had a menacing expression going on while choking an enemy, but that seemed like trying too hard. which brings me to the second biggest mistake of this movie: it was too actiony.

anyone who has seen the bourne movies would notice a lot of similarities. well, the premise was the same, a whole secret organization against one guy who is good at killing people. but it didn't mean it had to go the same direction. as mention above, the hitman games were about stealth and precision. you're supposed to be a ghost. anyone who has seen you are already dead. but in this movie, agent 47 is all over the place. he's out walking in crowds. he's bald and he's got a barcode tattoo on the back of his head. how am i supposed to believe that he won't stand out? and then in one really stupid scene, he kung fu fights a bunch of guys. fucking kung fu. with swords. instead of sneaking up on enemies and using piano wire (my favorite method) he does a jet li. ridiculous. the script is lame and complicated at the same time. they should have began with agent 47 doing several hits before going to the main plot. plus if you don't listen carefully, you won't get what's going on. i mean, me, i understood it and it thought it was messed-up writing. for the pinoy moviegoers who rely more on visuals, the film is gonna be tough to swallow.

okay, on the other end of the barrel, you got a few good things that prevented hitman from becoming a total disaster. numero uno, the game elements that they put in the movie. they were few and far in between but they were cool nonetheless. from the look of agent 47 to his body language, diana, hiding weapons, hiding bodies, disguises, the logo, they were pretty nice nods. soundtrackwise, the movie began with the game's original ave maria theme but that's about it. props to robert knepper as well who played yuri. that bathtub was such a t-bag moment. but the best part of the movie was nika. she's not the most beautiful actress you've seen, but she was more than enough to provide the obligatory t&a (and exactly t&a). no sex scene, but that crotch rub she did will forever be stored in the fantasy vault of my brain.

i paid to see one of my favorite video games come alive on the silverscreen and instead saw an ill-executed bourne wannabe. i am very disappointed and could only hope that the next videogame-to-movie endeavors do better. way better. you know, i've always thought that you can't do a bad movie with the right ingredients - bullets, blood and boobs. consider this reviewer wrong on that one.

the good: the nods to the game, t-bag and nika (rrrrr).
the bad: the execution.
the ugly: timotht olyphant as agent 47.
the verdict: 3 barcode tattoos.


agent 69.

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HITMAN by obi

Based from the Eidos game of the same title, "Hitman" is a story of a mercenary gunman only known as Agent 47. He was given a mission to assassinate a Russian president which later on involved him on a convoluted political plot of country-wide consequences. Along the way, he met the hotty Nika who unknowingly holds the answers to the identity of the double-crossing client. Together, they were able to crack the real score behind the conspiracy and just like any other action flick, the lead put an end to it (although the last part just screams PART TWO!).

I haven't played the Eidos game but a friend told me that the film gave justice to it. It's a typical action movie with flawless stunts and awesome close-combat scenes. The character made into Agent 47 is compelling in a way that you can really identify the cold-hearted assassin in him. Nika on the other hand (who has been half-naked on ample parts of the movie) portrayed the role of a passive victim quite well although I still don't think it has any significant relevance to the entire plot except for the movie to have a sexy lead actress. It even added to the awkwardness since Agent 47 should be completely devoid of emotion but the last parts of the film implied otherwise.

The concept of an organization of gun-for-hires is cool but the movie has been vague about the nature of the "Agency". I dunno if they intended it to be like that to add an air of shadiness on the org but I believe they should have divulged at least more info on them because along the movie you'll see several more agents going after 47 himself. And with it, there has been implications of "Agency" traditions (the short sword combat) that could be more interesting to viewers if explained.

In all, the movie is not a disappointment. It stays true to be your "action film" and a little bit more.

Rating: 6 gulamans.

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BEOWULF by jaiskizzy

the gist: it's happy hour in king anthony hopkins' mead hall, which means booze, babes and belting out some songs sans videoke (and this was centuries ago. nothing ever changes eh?) enter grotesque gatecrasher grendel, who only wants some peace and gives everyone a piece of his pissed-off mind by tearing them to pieces. with everyone scared shitless, a hero is called for and through the stormy seas, beowulf rises to challenge. thus begins beowulf's battle against grendel, angelina jolie's nakedness and living up to his legendary name. plus a golden dragon. will beowulf be the last cgi standing?

the reaction: gaddaym! imax 3d is a-fuckin-mazing. say ta-ta to those red and blue 3d glasses of yore. this is no doubt the future of movie watching. and what better way to immerse oneself in this extraordinary experience than on the breakthrough motion-capture film beowulf. when i put the glasses on and the credits rolled, i couldn't help not to be such an idiot and tried to reach for and touch the 3d letters. it got me like that. every time something suddenly pops up out of the screen, my lovely companion would jump off her seat. and it's not even a horror film. if there is a 3d horror film being made out there, then im pitiching a tent in line. the scene of grendel's initial attack was utterly astonishing. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have the same impact in 2d. i loved the three-dimensional blood gore and violence but the quick p.o.v. shot where robin wright penn's queen character is watching the carnage through a hole on the table she's hiding behind struck me the most in that sequence because it actually looks like you're looking through a hole in real life. darn, i crave for more of imax 3d.

the other thing that makes beowulf great is the way the poem was translated on screen. neil gaiman and roger avary of course had to change a few things up a bit and the final output was a well told story of a man who is known as a hero, proves he's a hero, but still is just a man. at one point, beowulf tells his wife queen (and im paraphrasing here) to remember him not as a hero but as a man, flawed and something else. great voice acting by ray winstone, he's not as loud as leonidas in 300 as most think due to the trailers, and upon checking the dude's pics, great decision to not make beowulf look exactly like him at all. one more kudo to crispin glover's portrayal of grendel. that old english gibberish of him talking to angelina jolie was one of the best here. angelina's though sounded fake. and speaking of that pouty-lipped temptress...

yes, fellow pervs, angelina jolie is fully nude in this film. yes, it's cgi and yes there's some gold liquid covering her privates, but a huge yes, she is very naked. and sporting a lara croft-like hairdo by the way. to me, her cgi counterpart was the most photo-realistic of all the characters. it seemed like it was really angelina jolie emerging from the water to display her cgi bareness. this was the big payoff after seeing anthony hopkins's butt and beowulf's everything except his weiner which, during his armorless, weaponless mano a mano with grendel, was amusingly covered, reminiscent of austin powers. so, yeah, apart from the violence, this movie surely aint for the young ones. which is good since there's gazillions of kid-friendly cgi movie out there. it's about time we adults get to enjoy a cgi movie for ourselves and not have any tears jerked out.

it was hard not to think of the videogame god of war throughout the movie. there were shots that felt like lifted directly from the game and i was clawing the empty air, pretending to hold an invisible ps2 controller. there were two particular sequences where i observed this prominently: when john malkovich (underused. could have been another actor, wouldn't matter) tries to debunk beowulf's hero fame by questioning the swimming contest he lost, beowulf tells him why and we get a flashback of him fighting sea monster just as he was about to win. he slices one in half and stabs another one in the eye, gives us a customary warrior shout on top of the monster's head and jumps back into the water and back into the race. very gamely. the other one is the whole golden dragon action sequence. i think i've spoiled enough so i'll leave this one undescribed for your full entertainment.

this 3d-fied version of the classic tale we all ate up in high school is a definite must-experience for all film buffs (well, except for the kiddies). sure, you could point out flaws from your point of view, but overall, beowulf will blow you away. the guys behind this have set the bar so high, everybody else will surely be pulling out all the stops to outdo them. which only spells even greater flicks headed our way. consider this reviewer bitten bigly by beowulf.

the good: the 3d!!! well, story and cg were good but fuck, man, the 3d is wicked!
the bad: mouths still need a lot of work. also, angelina jolie's boobies didn't bounce.
tha ugly: grendel.
the verdict: 9 golden horns.


jaimax.

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CIUDAD EN CELO by obi

An Argentinean film, the movie is generally comedic with a touch of romance. It reminds me of one of my favorite romantic movies "Love Actually" with the fact that the plot jumps randomly around and develops into a more coherent pattern as the film progresses. And by the fact that it doesn't even have a complicated storyline but remains interesting as you watch along, says a damn LOT.

Enter the casts. The story basically revolved around this group of friends who were in their early midlives. One of them (and a cool character) was Marquito (Marcos). The happy-go-lucky dude with a quick wit when it comes to pretty chicks. Eto yung, kung may mamanahin ako sa napanood ko, yun yung mga linya ni Marcos. Di ba Jai?? Hehe. Then there was Sebastian (Sebas), who really din't appear so much in the film but whose death made a big impact on the story arc. There was Duke, the oldest of the group and most of the movie was set on his coffee shop, Garllington. And then, Valeria and Sergio... former couples during the group's younger years.

It's a funny movie in an entertaining way. The Greenbelt THX cinema was rumbling with laughter on most parts of the movie and some laughable scenes were stuck in my mind until now. Don't get the wrong idea about the hilarity, though. This is not our usual slapstick or knockout comedy scenarios. They're simple fun and even exacts a hint of wit on their punchlines. The more serious dimension of the story, on the other hand, was engaging and encourages anticipation. It's rare for a movie of such simplicity to be not dragging.

Take note of the musical score too. It added touch to the already very "latina" settings. It could be a bore to those who doesn't appreciate the genre but if you're not up to such, then just focus on the story itself.

To describe the movie in two words: simple and brilliant. Ten gulamans.

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STARDUST by obi

Adapted from the fantasy novel of the same title by Neil Gaiman, Stardust is a romantic fantasy with hints of comic relief. It's about a young prince - Tristan - who grew in the world of his "normal" human father, in a small town at the edge of London... a town, just stone's throw away from the Wall which divides the territory of mankind and that of the magical land of Stormhold.

What started as a normal life became a wild ride of an adventure for Tristan Thorn when he ventured past the Wall and into the land of Stormhold in search of a falling star in the person of Yvaine (Manila-hating Claire Danes). The star was supposed to be a proof of devotion for his beloved Victoria but it turns out that the quest will lead him to fall in love with Yvaine instead (dumb English bloke... Vicky's hotter, fool!)

But he's not the only one searching for the falling star. Along came the powerful witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who craves for the heart of Yvaine in exchange for eternal youth and Prince Septimus, uncle to Tristan and contender to the throne of the dead King of Stormhold, which he can only ascend if he finds the ruby gem worn by Yvaine.

Exploits continued until the final battle on the witches' stronghold when Lamia and her cohorts captured Yvaine and Princess Una, Tristan's long-lost hot mom. Of course, as every heroic stories, Tristan was able to save her and the couple, as they say, lived happily ever after as King and Queen of Stormhold.

The plot is unquestionably hooking.The humorous parts have been an entertaining addition. The story was well-balanced in terms of phasings and plot development. These all contributed to a very awesome movie worthy of classic status. I dunno why it din't make that much hype in the market but what I thought was just another mediocre fantasy film was actually a unique magical treat that has a touch of everything on it... fairytale romance, witty comedy, epic clashes, and hints of mystery.

On the casts... well, there were exceptionally good actings for some of the roles but most of em has performed just passably. Not that it'L ruin a good story. Spectacular performance goes to Robert de Niro (Captain Shakespeare) who has been very convincing both as a reputably cunning pirate captain and a kind-hearted closet "whoopsie". His transition to both roles is flawless - talk about being a pro. Mark Strong (Septimus) and Michelle Pfeiffer (Lamia) - even her other two witch cohorts! - din't look striking enough as antagonists. But maybe the director intended it that way. It's not a hardcore action fantasy after all.

FX and cinematography is just right. Use of computer graphics is realistic and produced the intended effect. Scenes were mellow when it should be and dark when the situation calls for it. Musical score is so so.

I haven't read the book by Neil Gaiman but watching the film is enough for me to assume that it's another brilliant masterpiece. I heard there were deviations in the movie (I think it normally happens when adapting book stories into film) to make it a bit more fairytale-ish and cater to younger generations. I was opting for a better finale and the ending was one of the changes made from the book (as I was told) but all in all it doesn't affect the overall impact of the movie. Refreshing. Delightful.

9 gulamans.

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HATCHET by jaiskizzy

the gist: while freddy and jason went on hiatus to recuperate from their fright fight and mike myers did some shit with rob zombie, a new mad murderer manifests from the mucky muck. his name is victor crowley (any relation to aleister?) and as the folktale goes, he had a disfigured face and when some kids burned down their house in the swamp while he was in it, his dad killed him in trying to save him: he was pressed against the door when daddy-o used a hatchet to break it down. believing his existence is a myth, a bunch of folks go on the infamous haunted swamp tour for some cheap scares. pretty soon they realize that victor is in fact alive and kicking/killing and he gives the visitors a bloody warm welcome. yay!

the reaction: a few days ago, katia and i were discussing horror movies. she doesn't like them, i crave for them. she pointed out that she does not want to pay money just to get scared. so i told her, you should pay money to get scared because it's the feeling/emotion we get the least. you laugh every day, cry sometimes, but very rarely get scared shit. unless you're a complete paranoid freak. anyways, that's the primary reason why i love horror films (and riding roller coasters too). the rising tension and then the sudden surge of surprise. (nudity is secondary) nowadays, the surprise though is that the recent horror movies aren't that scary anymore. well, except for the awesome asian ones, which they would then make lame remakes of. like a true terror icon, hatchet crept up behind the pack and attacked when least expected. while everybody else was looking far and ahead, the writer/director, adam green, an obvious 80s horror buff like myself, was looking back and probably thought maybe it's about time to go back to bloody basics. so he had a gangbang with the masters and in 2006, gave birth to victor crowley, a baby we've all been waiting for.

a flick that will probably never see silverscreen light in this conservative country, hatchet is a big nod to the classic american horror my generation had loved and missed. sure, it's another mean, lean, killing machine on the loose hacking and slashing humans here and there but isn't that a good thing? hordes of horror films have hopped out but only a chosen few actually lived up to the genre. now here comes a newcomer requesting your attention. not smart, no twist ending needed, no killjoy cutaways and no tear-jerking. just pure bloody goregasm. if it does get released here, it'll surely suffer from the heavy editing under mtrcb hands, hence, losing the very essence of what slasher films are about.

i like the methods of kills, especially the one were victor emulates on a human what king kong did to the t-rex in peter jackson's version. never seen that before! i also dig the stylish slow-mo splash of blood and entrails. that's a trademark in the making. plus, plus points for getting robert englund and kane hodder. still, this movie is beyond perfection. and that is probably the fault of victor crowley (or at least the guys who designed him). he simply isn't that memorable. he's one ugly bastard with a big slice on the face. that's it. i don't know if this would spawn sequels (i do hope so though) but if it does, then victor better work on his identity if he wants to stand amongst the giants. also, the huge amount of tit-flashing is great and all, but please employ some really hot, gorgeous girls next time. it will be a big difference. very big. other than that, hatchet is great horror movie to watch, especially with a girl who scares easily. wehe.

i am pretty certain that this will turn the current trend around and more films like this will get made, vying for that spot in to be the next horror icon. victor crowley aint there yet, but he is one tough conteder.

the good: the blood
the bad: the beast
the ugly: the babes
the verdict: 8 shovel handle impalings


jai the ripper.

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