TAXI DRIVER by angel

Don “Skizzo Four-Eyes” Corleone introduced me to this blog to make a review about Old Boy but I don’t know how to construct the right words in that sick, mind-blowing, wickedly vengeful film. I need to mellow out from the old ultra-violence for my insomnia attack.

I think I am supposed to be sleeping at this time. But to be honest, I can’t really sleep, I’ve been insomniac for weeks now I don't know what it is I feel. I can't help but feel like some people don't care. I can't help but feel like I've put too much out, and now I can't get it back. I can't even visit memories anymore, because I can't regain the feelings I had. And because I can't figure out where to put my raging thoughts, I think more. And as I think more, I have more thoughts to place. So I keep piling them up, and I know that there's no cure for it.

The film “Taxi Driver” suddenly popped, since it’s my favorite Mr. Sandman-bring-me-a-dream flick, I thought I could give Mr. Four-Eyes Corleone’s invitation to be part of his movie mafia. My apologies for my incoherently erroneous construction of sentences and swearing my dear brothers and sisters so here it goes…

Taxi Driver was portrayed by Robert De Niro as Travis Bickle, a young man that is trying to be an anti-hero in his fucking neighborhood or his so called city to be living in. He’s a lonely Vietnam vet insomniac wanderer who is trying to find meaning in his life by trying to assassinate a presidential candidate and by attempting to rescue a teenage prostitute from the mean streets of New York, and trying to free this burnt out hole using violence. I’m talking about insanity without the draw back, It’s about this lonely desperate man who can’t fucking sleep and giving all the best he could by trying to court a beautiful girl named “Betsy” played by Cybill Shepherd.

I’ve seen all types of film from gore to sick but this one gives me the creeps. By the time I reach the fucking climax of this fucking movie, it gives me this sort of a butterfly effect on me fucking stomach. But the one that really bugs me is the time that Travis took Betsy in a fucking movie theater, wherein they actually played a series of this fucking triple X movie in front of the servile scums.

By the time Travis went on in an extended shoot out in a fucking apartment building to rescue Iris was exciting as hell can get. This is the time were in all hell breaks loose. The fucking musical score was awesome. Scorsese tried to manipulate the viewers mind by projecting the movie through it’s astonishing soundtrack that portrays the gritty streets of New York. The strongest moments of this film occur during De Niro's disturbing "You talkin' to me?" monologue, the malicious beating of a robber's corpse by a victimized store owner and Iris's sexually frank business routine displayed during Travis' paid visit to her carnal abode which Harvey Keitel keeps himself satisfied and full. Brutal and insane director Martin Scorsese's homicidally impulsed husband is a racially vulgar gem that epitomizes the insanity of this film, as does Travis' punk hair-do which represents his further disintegration into deluded insanity. But throughout out the film, De Niro act as if he is too drunk to act or he is just acting as himself. I also think that he’s a real badass hottie but not in a flashy kind of way though, and brings the silly fan girl in me *drools*

Ironically and tragically, Travis' assassination attempt on the Presidential candidate in this film inspired the shooting of President Ronald Reagan in 1981. The shooting was done by John Hinckley, in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. All-in-all, this movie was the near best masterpiece of a brilliant and awesome director Martin Scorsese, and wouldn’t be made without the blistering performance of Robert De Niro and the rest of the cast, especially Jodie Foster who perfectly personified this teenage bitch in a pristine, unadulterated act. That’s all folks, I hope you liked it.

The Verdict: 9 pillows, a blanket and a dose of Valium

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THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM by obi

[CAUTION: SPOILERS!]

A young kid, Jason, kung-fu fan and Chinese film geek, stumbles upon an antique metal staff that transports him back to ancient China. Later on, as he met the Drunken Master (Jacky Chan), he'll be aware of his destiny to return the relic to its rightful owner - the Monkey King (Jet Li) - which is in NO way easy as the grumpy Jade Warlord and his gazillion-strength Jade honchos together with his chick lieutenant (who has hairs like X-Men's Storm's crossed with Rapunsel's) will stop at none (except a good bargain bazaar in Binondo, maybe) to snatch the metal staff and destroy it for good. It's doubly hard for our hero too since the Jade Warlord's lair itself housed the legendary Monkey King who has been turned into a stone statue.

Ala "Fellowship of the Ring", the duo happens along the avenging cutey "marry-Obi-ten-times-please" Golden Sparrow (Liu Yi Fei) and the Silent Monk (Jet Li, again) who share the same objectives with them... to kill the Jade Emperor and return the mystic staff to the Monkey King, respectively. The foursome journey towards the Jade Warlord's fortress and exhibited kung-fu prowess along the way as Jade minions after Jade minions sought for their heads. Jason also started his kung-fu training along their quest and started hitting on Golden Sparrow too (he sucks though... i mean, c'mon man... between him, an aging drunk, and a weird probably-celibate monk, how could he NOT make good progress on the pretty chinky chick. Tsk tsk... kelangan magpaturo neto kay Gerald Anderson!).

To make things short, they made their way to the Jade Fortress where a HUGE brawl happened typical kung-fu flick's many-is-to-one style, and awaken the Monkey King. The Jade Warlord died on the melee and so is Golden Sparrow (leaving Jason still score-less... HAHA... loser). Order was restored in the Kingdom and Jason was returned home.

As a film epilogue of sorts, back at the modern time, Jason meets a Golden Sparrow incarnation (I say, she's still prettier in Chinese garb). Maybe that's his chance to blow it up again.

To sum up the whole film in general, it's an Americanized old kung-fu movie. "Old kung-fu movie" in that apparently it's reminiscent of that time when Chinese martial arts movies hit international attention with the claim to fame of the likes of Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee and Ramon Zamora (?? hehe). "Americanized" in that Chinese influences on the film has been dampened by Western humour and story development.

The plot's a no-brainer. Everything's made up as soon as Jason was transported back in time. No surprising twists, not even a subplot (unless you consider Jason's L-A-M-E attempt to create a love story with Golden Sparrow). But... BUT, still I'll have to admit I much enjoyed the movie (staring at Golden Sparrow aside).

The stunts are good (the "wire-works" are flawless). The fight scenes awesome! The cinematography... breathtaking. The humour... fun!

Jacky Chan and Jet Li are still good with their craft. Their kung-fu is nowhere as swift as during their younger years but their fight choreography are still impressive to watch, especially with Jacky Chan donning his "drunken fist" technique again. Jacky Chan versus Jet Li, nuff said. This is history, man!

I can't see much antagonism on the Jade Warlord's acting, same with his female lieutenant, but when I started remembering back what I can recall of the old kung-fu flicks I've watched when I was a kid, I realized you can't really hate most of their antagonists because of sheer ominousness. They simply lack the aura that will make you say "I soooo hate this guy" as soon as you see them. Lame acting goes to Jason. Mediocre acting goes to Miss Sparrow (whose role I don't really think necessary aside from having a pretty-face on board). Kudos to Jacky and Jet too for taking on two different roles.

Another thing to watch out is the Chinese-speaking characters' English dialogues. It threw me off in confusion in some scenes before I got a grip on what they meant but if you've watched a couple of Jacky Chan films before, you should already know what I'm saying.

Aside from two pretty chinky chicks (White-Haired Lieutenant versus Golden Sparrow) fighting over MY attention, this movie has lots of other fantasy lore to offer with a mix of humour and kung-fu to boot. If not for those, just watch it because of the Jet-Jacky tandem!

Nine chinky gulamans, for crying out loud!


(from jaiskizzy: dude, it's jackie not jacky. dont ask for my help when he kicks your ass. hehe)

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I'M A CYBORG, BUT THAT'S OK by moira

Another progeny of Chan-Wook Park’s brilliance.

Only cuter.
In a demented way.

Intrinsically different from his earlier efforts particularly his revenge trilogy. “I'm A Cyborg But That's OK” renders a rather charming and disturbing air. Young-goon, who was played gracefully by Su-jeong Lim (A Tale of Two Sisters, Sad Movie) is admitted to a local asylum after she owned up to her mother that she’s a cyborg. While assembling a radio, she slashed her wrists one fine day at the factory, taped it together with a nude electric wire and plugged the cord in. Hence, a cute little mad cyborg.

She won’t eat since she thinks she’ll break and to live she charges herself a transistor radio. Il-soon, played by Rain. Yes, the pop icon is one of the looney lot who plays mean ping-pong and likes to scratch his arse a lot. Abandoned by his mother, who took all the electronic toothbrushes with her, Il-soon became obsess with his teeth, clever, custom-built face masks and in stealing people’s things, including their souls.

When Young-goon refuses to eat real food apart from alkaline batteries and became very week, Il-soon realized his fate as her aid. Out of his genius, he created Rice Megatron – a device that will turn food, rice and precious radishes into energy so Young-goon can eat like a “real” human. I say, ok.

Adored every aspect of this rather peculiar film. Asylums, hospital gowns, shock therapies, massacred doctors and nurses and lots of crazy people up and about. It is how I like a love story to be: Disturbed and charmingly witty.

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OLDBOY by moira

[CAUTION: SPOILERS]

The movie begins with Oh Dae-su’s tight clutch to the tie of this man who’s about to jump off a skyscraper while holding a dog. Oh Dae-su introduced himself and the frame then relapsed15 years back. “Classic.”, I thought to myself.

Behold. You’ll see the not-so-cool Oh Dae-su, with a bleeding nose, utterly drunk and acting superbly stupid, while thrashing at a local police station. After he pissed everybody off, he was bailed out and was abducted and locked away from everything he once knew, leaving only a violet umbrella with a distinctive and ornate design as an insinuation of who his abductor was.

Why?

Was the teeming question in my head and so as Oh Dae-su’s as he was slitting his wrists, writing the names of the people he fought with, bothered and hurt – and while masturbating to a girl on TV who isn’t “fleshly” nor “sexual” to masturbate to. The rest of his time, he devoted to his “imaginary training” to equip himself for his opportune revenge - which, by the way, a 15-year wait.

He woke up inside a suitcase at the same building top where the movie began. Saw the first human being apart from the guy who delivers his meals, so pardon the weirdness. This guy, by the way, was the guy who’s about to jump off a skyscraper while holding a dog. He jumped eventually.

But I remember him say this before he took his last flight out: “Mister, Even though I’m no worse than a beast, don’t I have the right to live?” I was stirred by this for some inane reason.

Oh Dae-su, now looking quite rad walked the streets in flames, at least only on the inside. He met this girl named Mido at a local sushi restaurant where he ate live squid or something with tentacles. This was also the occurrence where he first spoke to his captor. Oh Dae-su passed out afterwards.

He wound up at Mido’s place. From here, his rummage around for his tormentor began. With the help of Mido, this peculiar girl who cries over nothing, they began to trace the crumbs which led them to this guy who looks like a typical Koreanovela dude, Lee Woojin. Certainly, before they did, there were violence, teeth torture, gang brawls, hypnotism, deceit, sex, bondage, incest and lots of valium gases. Lee Woojin has been “kind” enough to leave them hints wrapped in the same violet and ornate packaging as the design of the umbrella. They looked into all possible searches for whatever may be the cause of Oh Dae-su’s ordeal. He was given 5 days to figure the puzzle out. 5 days to untangle a 15-year old wrath. Wow.

“Be it a grain of sand or rock, in water they sink as the same.”

A sin is a sin no matter how small it is. If you’re nosy back in high school and you like to talk about other people’s business a lot, like telling one of the Evergreen Oldboys that you saw Lee Woojin and her sister, Soo Ah sucking faces and bosoms in the Chemistry lab resulting to the girl’s untimely death by freefalling off a bridge after she learned that she's bearing both her daughter and niece, then you need to rethink your life over.

SPOILER STARTS HERE:
Stop reading if you must. You’ve been warned.

It might cost you your freedom for 15 incessant years and a big bulk of your sanity. It could also lead you to fucking your own daughter in the process, which of course, you won’t know until it’s been revealed to you by the tormentor, you’ve wronged. How? By locking you up for a decade and a half with only a television as your window to the universe, by pointing you as the murderer of your own wife, by putting you under relentless hypnosis and by making you believe that you’re the one who’s fixing on vengeance when in truth, it’s the other way around.

I didn’t just tell you that.

I drew one, too many hypothesis as to what the film is about. I even reckoned that the entire occurrence were just fragments of Oh Dae-su’s mind and was illusory since a rather familiar pattern was omnipotent in the entire set up: The ornate design of the violet umbrella, the walls, the clue containers, etc. In the end, I just thought the ornate designs were intended to make the hypnosis work.

Anyway, what happens after vengeance has been realized? Well, two things: The person taking on revenge would either live or rest in peace. In this case, Lee Woojin shot himself in the temples with such great execution and authenticity, you’d almost think it’s real. Suicide’s the ultimate “fuck you”, really - and I just quoted a line from Gingersnaps.

As for Oh Dae-su, I’d say he died too. In a profound way.

I don’t even have to stress out that the movie was superbly structured and carefully plotted like how a revenge movie should be. The cast played their respective roles gracefully as if they’re the characters themselves, particularly Choi Min-sik, who was both disarming and compelling as Oh Dae-su. Cinematography’s splendid as well. I can make out superlative stills from screen pauses anytime.

The best dish served though was the spectacular twist in the end. There were two actually. Else, I was dumbfounded by the fact that Oh Dae-su means “Getting along with people”. It didn’t happen. Lastly,

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”

(don skizzo's note: a better review than mine, even with the spoilers. i still call dibs on owning oldboy. and i dont mean just the dvd. see you in la fin absolue du monde, moira)

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN by jaiskizzy

gist: that doctor dude in planet terror who injected his hot wife's hands with anesthesia goes hunting for deer in the desert and happens upon the aftermath of a fucked-up drug deal. he finds a suitcase filled with money and finders-keepers it. hot on his heels is this creepy guy with a haircut that looks like it was done by a retarded barber, who is probably dead because this creepy guy has "killing people" under interests in his friendster profile. hot on this guy's heels is two-face from batman forever except that he doesn't have two faces this time so he's just one-face now. also, he doesn't do the coin flip thing, the creepy bad haircut guy does it.

the reaction: if you haven't seen the big lebowski, then you should 'cause you've missed out a bit. (i know i have, because i havent seen enough coen bros. movies. anyone got fargo?). it's one of my favorite movies and not just because of jesus quintana and tara reid offering a blowjob for 1 gs. anyways, so the story for no country for old men is not about deported geezers but basically revolves around three dudes chasing each other, the centerpiece being bad haircut guy who is like a robot built for killing (like the terminator, but minus one-liners), a calm, emotionless murderer who whacks his targets without double thoughts, remorse or care. he's like, "hmm, i think i'll kill this man." bam! man's dead. this dude is so badass, he could probably eat a running chainsaw and shit steak knives. his weapon of choice, though, is this cattle gun, a tank of compressed air on one end and a thing that can punch holes on people's heads and unlock doors on the other. if you ever see your doorknob suddenly flying across the room, run.

great acting from javier bardem (bad haircut guy). i cant imagine anyone else filling the role. he instantly soared high on my list of favorite movie villains. and i dont think anybody in hollywood can sport a haircut like that and still look mean. tommy lee jones was kinda meh, but still okay, echoing a bit his role in the fugitive. moss, a.k.a. josh brolin, good actor as well. in complete contrast to his menacing role in that grindhouse half, here, i was actually rooting for him and wanted him to escape bad haircut guy's clutches. i know bad haircut is a professional killer, but if he ever failed on a hit, i wanted it to be moss.

great direction though by the coens. the movie had just the right tension that you cant wait to see what would happen next. it wasn't too talky, which is good. my favorite scenes are the coin toss scene in the store with the old man (suspensefuller than recent horror films) and how bad haircut guy steals medical supplies from a pharmacy. he's like the macgyver of murderers, man. nice touch also with the absence of a music score, except for a couple of parts, but even then they were so subtle. i just didnt like how the story ended like that. we followed moss, bad haircut guy and tommy lee jones like stalkers all throughout the movie so much and then all of a sudden, an event happens but we only get to see the aftermath and the movie is done. ftw? still, i'd choose that ending over pinoy movie song-and-dance-in-the-beach endings any day.

all in all, no country for old men deserved the oscar win. hats off to the coens...except i dont wear a hat. glasses off then.

the good: story, pacing, villain.
the bad: a "huh?" ending.
the ugly: that fuckin haircut.
the verdict: 8 cattle guns.


your friendo, skizzo.

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SEX AND DEATH 101 by jaiskizzy

the gist: an engaged dude's smooth life goes bumpy (or perfect, depending on perspective) when he receives an email containing a list of names of the women he'd had sex with in the past. but the list does not end with the name of his fiancee. there's even more names below it and soon he realizes that the rest are the ones he will screw in the future. how cool is that? of course, he does what any real man would do: call off the wedding and follow the list. meanwhile, a mysterious woman dubbed "death knell", played exquisitely by winona ryder (where have you been?), is going around town "killing" guys who have committed sex crimes. and so i ask, will this femme fatale and that fortuned fornicator find each other? but more importantly, where can i get my list?! come on!

the reaction: do you guys know the death clock? you know, the website where you do some inputs and it tells you the exact day you would supposedly die? if it's true, then mine's soon. it's still years away, but still pretty close. i oughta be doing some out of the country travels by now. anyways, i guess that's what the message of this movie is. what would you do with such knowledge? is it a gift or a curse? that polarity is well played in 101 as in one point, our horny hero has surrendered to his fate of fucking and then in another, buries the list in the ground to take back control of his life. and then there's the part where he's not through with the list, but he meets the woman he considers "the one". behind all of this is the oracle, the machine that sent the email, and the three men who run it, alpha, beta and fred. the oracle probably represents god who has given out predefined lives and the trio is the main character's conscience, although fred's the only one excited about what the list simply is for: sex with a lot of women. well, that's how i see it.

hmm. speaking of seeing, did you see good luck chuck? man, that movie sucked shitballs. despite having slightly similar premises (guy does a lot of girls), 101 beats chuck by acres. the only things good about chuck were jessica alba and the ridiculous amount of women that bared their bodies and bounced uglies with that lucky bastard dane cook. 101 doesnt have both. yes, there's some nudity but in a quantity too modest for a sex-oriented film. nice-assed natassia malthe covered her chest. there's even clothed sex. i guess the budget didnt suffice for more undressing. so cheers for sophie monk and the rest of the uninhibited ingenues for displaying the goods for the sake of perversion.

of course, 101 won't stand erect and mighty if not for the exceptional efforts of simon baker as the libidinous leading/ladies man. dont know who he is but when i watched the movie he kinda seemed familiar. after a quick trip to imdb, i found out that he was the guy in scorsese's hitchcock homage, the key to reserva. comparing the two entirely unalike roles, this dude's pretty good. and what about the actress named winona? she's terrific as death knell. she's hot and weird and silly and cute all at the same time. ive never seen her with so much cleavage. she really needs to resurface into mainstream and bring that with her. anyways, the one remember most in the movie is the guy who played fred. he's got great lines. he's like the guy at work or in school who always says something funny to break the tension and you're left with wishing you had said it. which is why i wonder how he landed that oracle job.

still cant point a phalange on what genre this film belongs. drama? nah. rom-com? probably. feel-good? yes. dark comedy? definitely. whatever, man. watching this is like hooking up with a nice girl you barely know, talking with her about the physics of life and then having slow, passionate sex afterwards. she may not be the best girl around but you sure had a great time with her.

the good: the story/script and the t&a.
the bad: the killjoys.
the ugly: the real cynthia rose.
the verdict: 7 names of women im gonna have sex with.


the one-winged angel of death (and sex).

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SHUTTER (the remake) by jaiskizzy

the gist: the exceptional thai horror movie that starred piolo pascual is mangled to shitty bits in this unnecessary hollywood remake. a professional photographer goes to tokyo with his new wife for a job and after a mysterious car accident, they are haunted through pictures by a ghost from the past... oh, hell. fuck this shit!

allow me this one first: stop the asian horror movie remakes! seriously, stop it! filmmaker dudes, do not sell the rights to your masterpieces! do not be blinded by money! it's a trap! they'll turn it into crap! it's a crap trap!

this absolute piece of rotten animal feces is proof that nothing good comes out of hollywoodizing asian cinema. it just doesnt translate right. what they should do instead is bring the original film to their shores so that viewers can enjoy the film in its unadulterated form. here in shutter, they not only had complete disregard for the original, they even disrespected it by turning the thai film into a japanese one. that's just wrong. i dont care if the director is japanese and every crew member is japanese. they should have just made the whole thing in america. but even that wouldn't solve the film's big issue: it's a remake.

from frame one, anyone who has seen the original will surely see how it was destroyed. the leads are newlyweds and the vengeful ghost appears in pictures taken while they were having sex on the floor. the girl, that chick from transformers who isn't megan fox, later realizes that the ghost wasn't trying to scare her but was warning her from spending her life with an evil-secret-carrying husband. barfcakes. shouldn't she be warned before she actually marries the guy? then there's the entirely new location change of where the bad deed took place. the school is now an office and... wait, um, in the pictures with the models, the ghost gives clues by putting white streaks on a particular floor in the building in the background, which happens to be the office of the photographer's friend. but, the actual rape happens somewhere else. which makes no sense at all. and the ending is just horrible.

i could point out more shit but im starting to smell so i'd just end this review with an ellipsis...

the good: the chick from transformers (who isn't megan fox) taking off her top but it probably was a body double.
the bad: the acting, the changes, the non-scares, everything. gimme my money back!
the ugly: killing the ghost by flash bulb burning. uh, what?
the verdict: 1 long tongue french kiss.


shitter.

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ONCE by jaiskizzy

the gist: a struggling musician takes his acoustic heartaches to the streets for a few bucks and meets a cute czech chick who has as much passion for music as he does. he plays the guitar, she, the piano and they immediately glue together, igniting the needed spark to each of their stagnant lives. from a magical music shop moment to a wondrous recording studio session, the nameless songsmiths find themselves in the dilemma of starting anew or patching things up with their pasts. will this love song of a movie end with them in a duet or doing solos? can i do this review without musical puns?

the reaction: ive been asked a lot of times if i play the guitar and i wonder, do i really carry a rockstar demeanor to cause that question? but i do wish i play the guitar sometimes. however, i dont, can't and probably won't for the rest of this life. i play the drums though. poorly. anyways, after watching this movie once (title, not number) i completely gave that wish up. because even if i did start learning to play now, i do not possess a singing voice that came close to half the power of glen's (the guy who plays...the guy in the film). dude sings with a lot of heart, and i really mean a lot. every song he sings, he sings with raw emotion, as if he's not actually singing and just telling you how he feels exactly and it just happened to have rhymes and a tune. given that he's a real musician, frontman of a band called the frames, and it was him who actually wrote the songs in real life and as portrayed in the film, but man, you could really see how much pain he endured and used to create the songs. when he starts screaming in "say it to me now" in the street, i didn't think he was crazy as i would if i saw someone do that in real life. but that's the thing: nobody's ever seen a real sidewalk singer perform like that. i think i'd be more likely to throw my money in if there was one. (i actually flicked a 20-peso bill at glen but it just bounced off the tv screen).

and there's, marketa, the cute czech chick i mentioned awhile ago. she doesnt have a name in the movie as well, but let's call her marketa so i wouldn't run out of synonyms for "girl". it was a great idea, by the way, to keep the characters unnamed, that they could be anyone, you, your friend, your friend's friend who cheated on your friend's girlfriend. anyways, like glen, marketa is also a real-life musician. her voice is sweet and she plays the piano without camera-angle cheats. again, you feel her love for music that when the two of them play and sing together for the first time, you will get goosebumps as i did. that was a great scene. a perfect (pitch perfect? tee-hee) translation of those jam sessions i used to have with my best friend luigi, even the ones over beer, with the "you do this, i do that" beginning and just melded together as you went along. what makes the scene work, i think, is the fact they're real people doing something they actually do in real life and not something they rehearsed over and over. it was like, the director just said, okay, you two do your thing and i'll just film it.

but that's where the only problem i have about the film comes in. they're non-actors. and when they do try to act, it slightly seems fake. cant blame them though but i guess the director could have tried something to bring over the realism of the scenes where the two leads where just being their real selves. oh and by the way, this is a love story, but more on the love for music and not too much on the love between glen and marketa. their musical "affair" serves as a mere buffer episode, like an rpg sidequest, so don't scratch your heads over the lack of actual contact or the ending. you're looking for the movie where, just by the halfway mark, the female lead has already cheated on her husband with a guy she barely knows. this aint it.

dont watch this movie if you are one of those people who feel like they dont have any talents because you'd probably hate your parents and wish you had one to be just as passionate on. a "modern-day musical" but not quite, i highly recommend this one with what little credibility i have. okay. im gonna go bang on my drums for a while...


the good: the songs, the shots, the realism
the bad: when the non-actors act
the ugly: the holes on the guy's guitar
the verdict: 9 vacuum cleaners


he who cannot sing.

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HORTON HEARS A WHO! by jaiskizzy

the gist: jim carrey voices horton, a fanciful elephant who hears a voice from a speck only he could hear. he immediately believes that tiny people exist in the speck and starts carrying it around nestled on a flower, much to the chagrin of a kangaroo who thinks horton is poisoning the minds of children with his delusions. meanwhile, the mayor of whoville (steve carrell) notices odd happenings in his town and soon learns that whoville is the speck that horton has which, of course, the whovillians think is bulldung. with the fate of whoville upon his trunk, horton braves the nool jungle to put the speck in a place safe from harm. will horton accomplish his mission? will the non-believers find enlightenment? will jim carrey ever talk out of his ass again? ace ventura 3 please!!!

the reaction: the first time i came across dr. seuss's horton the elephant was in a looney tunes cartoon where horton is bamboozled by a bird into sitting on her egg while she goes on a vacation or something. horton, who meant what he said and said what he meant, climbs on the tree and stays with the egg until it hatches (in a cute little twist ending) because an elephant's faithful 100 percent. i could still remember the fish that shot itself. any-who, this movie is a ginormous step from that 2d short, a 72-page book inflated to a full-length film. it's as good as kiddie cgi movies can go, with the humor, the movements, the moral lesson(s) fit for the little ones, but you may find something to ponder about in it if you pay enough attention. i mean, the existence of an imaginary being speaking from the heavens who has the whole world under his care will surely have the religious roaring with their rosaries. heck, even the line "a person is a person no matter how small" pulled pro-life activists out of their abodes and had them picketing the theaters with their anti-abortion clamor. but that's taking the fun out of watching horton prance around, holding a flower. and saying that the previous sentence meant horton is gay.

now, since i had a non-dr. seuss childhood, i really dont know what elements from the book made it to the movie and was given justice, except maybe the elephant, whoville, and the rhymes. the obligatory villain comes in the form of a kangaroo that pouch-schools her son and wants to be in control of everything. her evilness worked, at least not too much to scare the kid viewers, which is why it was pretty hard to digest the fact that she turned face quite easily. in whoville, the villains are a team of grinch-lookalikes who have the same agenda of disregarding anything that would cause change (kinda like what's happening in our country now, dont you think?). anyways, there are a bunch of other characters worth noting like the speedy blue creature morton, which is like horton's conscience, and jojo, whoville mayor's emo son, who was my favorite character up until the ending where he [anti-spoiler] the [anti-spoiler] by [anti-spoiler] so that [anti-spoiler] them. and then there's this weird cute yellow...uh, thing named katie who, along with the others' imaginary speck-worlds, says "in my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies." now that is some crazy shit.

speaking of shit, voices, yes, jim carrey owned horton. at first, before seeing the film, i couldn't really imagine him as an elephant so i surmised he'd play around with his voice to match, but his real voice worked just fine. it is jim carrey, however, so he still got to play around with his voice in some parts. steve carrell did pretty well as well as the mayor. that's about all i can distinguish because i couldnt quite recognize everybody else. props to will arnett for voicing vlad the vulture (or bald eagle, not sure). i made guesses that maybe it was jim carrey as well and at some points, antonio banderas. i had no idea who it was 'til i saw the credits.

the animation is nothing short of impressive, which isnt saying much because there's really nothing new cgi-wise introduced here. except for the water, the cg is seamless, especially horton's movements which made it seem like jim carrey had a motion capture suit on the whole time. there are a couple of non-3d scenes in there, one resembling dr. seuss illustrations, the other, hilariously anime-inspired, both of which represent horton's imaginings. imho, it would have been better if a third one was squeezed in there, maybe stop-motion, just to play more on horton's wild mind and not come off as plain fillers which im sure a good number of whiners will point out as. more jim carrey: i dont know if anyone else noticed this but this film had some pretty obvious jim carrey references. exhibit a: when the mayor talks about their genealogy to his son, he inhales a big breath of air to speak nonstop, which is like the videoke scene in cable guy. exhibit b: when the mayor is about to have his root canal, the anesthesia is accidentally injected on his arm, which then becomes limp, definitely from ace ventura: when nature calls.

best viewed with some kids in tow, horton hears a who! is a nice little cgi movie replete with nice little laughs. whether the philosophical jabs were intended by dr. seuss or not, try to keep the debate ammo at bay and just enjoy the film as it is. i mean, fudge, it's a talking elephant for chrissakes.

the good: animation, story, voicing, humor
the bad: "can't fight this feeling anymore"
the ugly: not-the-bunny-with-cookies vlad
the verdict: 7 banana cigars


skizzy is hateful 100%
or
skizzy hears a boo!

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THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES by obi

[CAUTION: SPOILERS]
The story revolves around the Grace family, who move away from the city to live on a ragtag countryside mansion owned by their grandaunt Lucinda. Early on the movie, strange things happen inside the house that eventually lead to the discovery of a coexisting fantastical "dimension" of goblins, sprites, and fairytale beings. All of which are detailed on a collection of journals written by their great-grand uncle Arthur Spiderwick. This same tome is being coveted by an evil ogre, Mulgarath, for it contains information that can give him powers unimaginable... wait... UNIMAGINABLE!!!

Yan.

Kiddie fantasy adventure plot follows which eventually leads to Mulgarath's defeat and Aunt Lucinda reunited with her lost father, Arthur. A stereotypical fairytale ending.

I have to admit I enjoyed the fantasy ride. The comic reliefs has been well-placed into the story when things get serious. The storyline is quite predictable in that on most parts of the plot, it's a no brainer to know what is going to happen next. BUT... big BUT... I have to mention (and the only scene on the film that caught me off guard) the part where Mulgrath was defeated by (SPOILER!) none other than Hogsqueal??? It was one of the lamest ending for a kiddie fantasy flick that I've seen. So lame, that I think it was made just for the heck of having an ending. OK... Mulgarath (a shape-shifter) was tricked/predicted/coerced to transform into his signature avian-form and Hogsqueal (with his uncanny predilection to feed on birds) sacked and swallowed him outright. That's it. That's how your big bad guy died (along with the film's climax).

However, ending aside, the movie narrative is paced with a good dramatic flow. It set a different lighter tone from films of the same genre. Not as swashbuckling as Narnia. Not as dark as Potter. Not as brainless as Jumanji. And apparently, not as intense as the Lord of the Rings. Just the right fairytale story elements on a compact movie. It's a good family watch.

CG is great. Animation is cool. The portrayal of the fantastic creatures are well-thought of. Computer animated characters have delivered the right facial features and expressions. Thimbletack is cuddly and lovable, even at his deranged alter ego. Hogsqueal is a cool comedy relief character. Mulgarath and his goblin horde looks just right as the scary antagonists (although I've read reviews that said they were too scary for kids... psh!).

The flesh casts are so so. I find the kids Jared and Simon Grace (both Freddie Highmore) lacking in intensity. But that's just me. I haven't read the books so I can't really tell if their characters are really supposed to be boring or lackluster or lame. I salute the kid however for acting for two totally different character-type roles and give at least a mediocre justification for it. Mallory Grace (Sarah Bolger), the sister, and Helen Grace (Mary Parker), the mom, is on the average acting job too. Lucinda and Arthur Spiderwick (as if they needed much acting) plays their role well. But still, all in all, I'd rather see Mulgarath win an acting award for the film over all of them.

Conclusion: Although it will tickle the child inside most adult watchers, the movie's main market is kids around 4 years to 8. It's a delightful fantasy film created with them in mind.

Seven gulamans worth.

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JUNO by jaiskizzy

the gist: after kitty pryde played tag with juggernaut in x-men 3, she left the school and moved to the suburbs and started a band with the less-talky guy from superbad (not mclovin) who now is a member of the track team and wears very short shorts all the time. anyways, something happens on a couch and kitty, who now calls herself juno, gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption to teen wolf too's todd and the ass-kickin alias chick who was also in daredevil because they got married but cant make a baby no matter how much sex they have. juno's father by the way is j. jonah jameson from spider-man but he doesn't shout a lot this time.

the reaction: until the day i die, i'll always wish i could do my high school years over. i really missed out a lot, especially in priapic conquests, by being such a wuss. that is why i will make sure that my future son avenges me. anyways, high school is the threshold for discoveries to would-be adults and the end result of one of those discoveries is unwanted pregnancy, which is mostly hell for the guilty parties. that's where juno got blessed. her parents don't go nuclear, the baby's dad doesn't breath down her nape, her school doesn't expel her, the couple who would adopt the baby seem cool and everything's accompanied by a soundtrack to put on high-priority downloading. but what seems like a conflict-lacking storyline actually comes off quite compelling, thanks to the wonderfully written script.

this splendor of a script was scribed by a (former) stripper named diablo cody. i salute her for penning a brilliant, biting screenplay that's like a machine gun loaded with uniquely intelligent and funny bullets. although it is hugely told from a female perspective, it is on a level of entertainment suited for both sexes and not as girlie as, say, the sappy jane austen movies that no man would ever admit to having watched and, yikes, cried on. every banter between characters and every off-kilter remark that escapes juno's cute mouth deserves attention. they feel like something we all want to say but not in the same way. and with a premise that's practically similar to knocked up, it's amazing how the two films are entirely different from each other. one of the scenes i liked was the one where jason bateman's character mark tells dario-argento-loving juno about h.g. lewis and they watch a video of a woman having her stomach impaled by a large metal thingy and the pregnant juno likes it.

ellen page was perfect. this girl can act. she was scary in hard candy but stayed cute the whole time, which is creepy. that movie just made me stay away from underage girls even more. now here she is working her mumbo-jumbo again and she just nails every witty line. made me forget for a while there that the weird girls during my high school years were never as cute as her or ever hung out with a hottie in braids and schoolgirl skirts (omg olivia thirlby). michael cera barely said anything and he was just great. there are movie dudes who give great love speeches and then there's michael cera, lord of the low-key. the rest of the cast are older and have more experience so let's just keep the praises to the newbies.

touted as last year's little miss sunshine, juno bagged four oscar nominations (best picture, best actress, director and best original screenplay) and i would be darn surprised if this gem of a film doesnt win at least one of those. it's definitely one of the best of 2007's releases, proving that not all comedies have to be slapstick, gross, r-rated or a spoof of some other movie. this is one baby you won't want to abort.

the good: the screenplay, the cast, the soundtrack, just about everything.
the bad: it's quite girl-biased.
the ugly: the crotch closeups.
the verdict: 9 strawberry panties.


skizzy pop.

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HITMAN by jaiskizzy

the gist: when bret hart decided to quit wrestling.... (just kidding) when it comes to assassins-for-hire, 47 is #1. raised by a secret organization known as... the organization (it was the agency in the game) to become the perfect killer, he never misses a target and always gets away clean. however on a mission to kill the russian president, things don't go as planned. it seems his peeps have turned against him, putting our bald-headed anti-hero out on the run from the interpol and the fsb and against other nameless agents, with a hot babe who hates clothes tagging along. did you notice there are zero alliterations on the synopsis?

the reaction: the hitman video game franchise is one of my favorites because it's not just your usual button-mashing, shoot-everything-in-sight first-person adventure. it's a game of tactics and stealth and completion of the mission requires precision and consideration of every option before making a decision for a slight miscalculation means a bad situation. waha. anyways, with the previous videogame-to-movie flops, one would normally think that the filmmakers would exert extra effort to do really well because the audience could only have high expectations at this point. you can't make a movie that's just good. it has to be really, really great to please the fans and non-fans alike. with hitman, i feel like they didn't actually try to make a hitman movie. they were instead trying to make the next big action flick, took some inspirations from the game and slapped that title on it and waited for the cash to flow in. they barely paid respect to the source material. so, is it good or bad? let us begin with the negatives.

the biggest mistake of this movie is timothy olyphant. he just does not fit the role. when casting rumors began, fanboys were unitedly screaming only one name: jason statham. after seeing him in transporter, he was agent 47 for me. all he needed was the red tie. i dont know what happened but they picked timothy olyphant instead. the movie kinda lost it right there. sure, he's a good actor but he just does not look and feel like agent 47. i mean, vin diesel was also considered at one point and i would have liked vinny over timmy. why? because he just didn't have the eyes of a killer. granted he was able to pull off how agent 47 moved, walked, talked (must have watched game clips over and over) but he didn't get the eyes. he never looked like a cold-blooded assassin at all. well, there was one scene where he had a menacing expression going on while choking an enemy, but that seemed like trying too hard. which brings me to the second biggest mistake of this movie: it was too actiony.

anyone who has seen the bourne movies would notice a lot of similarities. well, the premise was the same, a whole secret organization against one guy who is good at killing people. but it didn't mean it had to go the same direction. as mention above, the hitman games were about stealth and precision. you're supposed to be a ghost. anyone who has seen you are already dead. but in this movie, agent 47 is all over the place. he's out walking in crowds. he's bald and he's got a barcode tattoo on the back of his head. how am i supposed to believe that he won't stand out? and then in one really stupid scene, he kung fu fights a bunch of guys. fucking kung fu. with swords. instead of sneaking up on enemies and using piano wire (my favorite method) he does a jet li. ridiculous. the script is lame and complicated at the same time. they should have began with agent 47 doing several hits before going to the main plot. plus if you don't listen carefully, you won't get what's going on. i mean, me, i understood it and it thought it was messed-up writing. for the pinoy moviegoers who rely more on visuals, the film is gonna be tough to swallow.

okay, on the other end of the barrel, you got a few good things that prevented hitman from becoming a total disaster. numero uno, the game elements that they put in the movie. they were few and far in between but they were cool nonetheless. from the look of agent 47 to his body language, diana, hiding weapons, hiding bodies, disguises, the logo, they were pretty nice nods. soundtrackwise, the movie began with the game's original ave maria theme but that's about it. props to robert knepper as well who played yuri. that bathtub was such a t-bag moment. but the best part of the movie was nika. she's not the most beautiful actress you've seen, but she was more than enough to provide the obligatory t&a (and exactly t&a). no sex scene, but that crotch rub she did will forever be stored in the fantasy vault of my brain.

i paid to see one of my favorite video games come alive on the silverscreen and instead saw an ill-executed bourne wannabe. i am very disappointed and could only hope that the next videogame-to-movie endeavors do better. way better. you know, i've always thought that you can't do a bad movie with the right ingredients - bullets, blood and boobs. consider this reviewer wrong on that one.

the good: the nods to the game, t-bag and nika (rrrrr).
the bad: the execution.
the ugly: timotht olyphant as agent 47.
the verdict: 3 barcode tattoos.


agent 69.

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HITMAN by obi

Based from the Eidos game of the same title, "Hitman" is a story of a mercenary gunman only known as Agent 47. He was given a mission to assassinate a Russian president which later on involved him on a convoluted political plot of country-wide consequences. Along the way, he met the hotty Nika who unknowingly holds the answers to the identity of the double-crossing client. Together, they were able to crack the real score behind the conspiracy and just like any other action flick, the lead put an end to it (although the last part just screams PART TWO!).

I haven't played the Eidos game but a friend told me that the film gave justice to it. It's a typical action movie with flawless stunts and awesome close-combat scenes. The character made into Agent 47 is compelling in a way that you can really identify the cold-hearted assassin in him. Nika on the other hand (who has been half-naked on ample parts of the movie) portrayed the role of a passive victim quite well although I still don't think it has any significant relevance to the entire plot except for the movie to have a sexy lead actress. It even added to the awkwardness since Agent 47 should be completely devoid of emotion but the last parts of the film implied otherwise.

The concept of an organization of gun-for-hires is cool but the movie has been vague about the nature of the "Agency". I dunno if they intended it to be like that to add an air of shadiness on the org but I believe they should have divulged at least more info on them because along the movie you'll see several more agents going after 47 himself. And with it, there has been implications of "Agency" traditions (the short sword combat) that could be more interesting to viewers if explained.

In all, the movie is not a disappointment. It stays true to be your "action film" and a little bit more.

Rating: 6 gulamans.

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