THE INCREDIBLE HULK by jaiskizzy

the gist: after finally defeating tyler durden, the nameless guy who created fight club (which i should not be talking about) now faces a bigger split personality problem, literally: thanks to gamma radiation, when he gets angry, he becomes the un-jolly green giant known as the incredible hulk, which is on its way to become a synonym for "uh-oh". so, he searches every crook and nanny of the earth to find a cure so that he could finally bang his girlfriend. also, hot on his heels are his girlfriend's asshole dad and mr. orange, who shoots himself up with the jealousy juice and becomes mr. not-orange. will the mild-mannered bruce banner be able to put his inner beast to good use and win the girl in the end and say "hulk smooch!!!"?

i am pretty much the quintessential comic book geek but i wasn't really a big fan of the incredible hulk as much as i was of spider-man and superman. but i did catch media-jump snippets here and there of this jekyll-and-hyde story of superhero proportions, from the silly, stiff 2d cartoon where only the mouth moved most of the time (doc bruce banner... pelted by gamma rays, turned into the hulk) to the live-action tv series. and there was the ang lee shit of a movie that could have been good, with the comic-booky feel and jennifer connelly, except it was shitty. so when news broke out that the marvel studios was itching for a reboot with louis letterier at the helm and edward norton as his main man, i was like, okay, now we're talking. the director who directed transporter and the actor who kicked a guy's teeth into the curb? genius. i was sold.

the film does a nice way of being both a reboot and a sequel and not totally denying the first one's existence by putting the hulk's origin in the opening credits. we are then dropped smack right into banner's continuing struggle to stay, um...un-hulked, keeping his heart rate down, staying away from trouble and preventing his blood from making unofficial trips (stan lee cameo!) while trying to find a cure in brazil. his first hulk out scene was neato. the movie is set up nicely with downtimes, like the pretty sweet king kong-ish scene between hulk and betty, to prepare you for the pulse pumping action sequences. and if you're as much a geek as i am, pay close attention to just about every little detail and you'll see and hear something to make you tickled pink. or green, in this case. one is lou ferrigno, hulk from the tv series, who cameos as a school guard. he also voices the hulk here by the way (yes, hulk "talks" in the movie, have tissues in hand to wipe your crotch when that comes). the other is captain america. he's not in the movie, though. however, if you know your marvel, you'll know what i mean. the rest, like the sequel hint, you find out for yourselves.

and that's one of the great things about what marvel studios has done. they have actually brought the marvel universe to the silverscreen. only awesomeness can come of this endeavor. from nick fury's iron man appearance to the pre-end credit scene cameo of [spoiler], it's safe to assume that there'll be a day when you're watching a spider-man movie and wolverine arrives to give a helping claw. im sure dc's gearing up to do the same thing. batman vs. superman, anyone?

edward norton as dr. bruce banner should win an award for best casting choice. his voice, his face, his whole being is perfect for the good guy who hides a monstrous id and none's the wiser. plus, he's a better actor than the previous dude. yes, eric bana is a good actor but he's just not bruce banner to me. he's like green paint and a couple of bench presses away from being the hulk. also, mr. norton has always had a go at the scripts of his movies and the dude can definitely write. it only shows that he's not just some actor-for-hire who does what he's told and leaves with a thicker wallet. he immerses himself into the material to make it better for the audience. and then there is of course the amazing tim roth who was just as great as emil blonsky, who sees the hulk as nothing more than a challenge. badass.

good job, louis! i could hear ang lee whimpering in some corner. with a better screenplay, better execution and better cgi, this hulk is indeed incredible. marvel studios is on a roll, baby. cant wait for the captain america and avengers movies. excelsior!


the good: the days with incident, the tv series homage, the marvel universe continuity, edward norton
the bad: no captain america!
the ugly: liv "fatty" tyler.
the verdict: 8 sodas fortified with banner blood


bruised boner.

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THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL by obi

[spoilers]

The story is about two sisters who, motivated by their family's ambition, compete for the affection of King Henry VIII of the House of Tudor.

Mary Boleyn, younger of the two (at least in the film), becomes the King's choice despite her being married to a local commoner and the family's designs for her sister Anne Boleyn to be the pick. The drive roots from the Queen's inability to give King Henry a male heir which eventually leads him to seek for a concubine. Mary eventually gave birth to a male heir but by that time Anne, who didn't stop furthering her ambition to enamor the King, was already able to finally snatch the monarch's special attention. Henry VIII disclaimed his son to Mary and blindly sued for Anne's love.

Taking advantage of the situation, Anne plotted for herself to be the legitimate Queen of England which substantiated after compelling the King to do crazy stuffs (i.e. turning from the Catholic catechism and dethroning his own wife, Catherine of Aragon). However, all the comforts that came with it was short-lived as Anne Boleyn, after giving birth to a daughter, miscarried another daughter that triggered marital problems with the King similar to that of the former Queen Katherine's.

Complexities turned into more problems and even into incest which ultimately caused Anne Boleyn's death sentence. She's the mother of the last monarch of Tudor... Queen Elizabeth I (a female heiress, after all the King's quest to have a male successor).

The storyline, although patterned in this factual period in the House of Tudor, is a mishmash of historical inconsistencies added to give a cinematic appeal to the plot. I think, it produced the intended effect. Dramatic points in the movie are compelling and the script-works involved are done fairly well. I have something against the pacing as often it jumps over supposedly long periods of time without good transitionary scenes. It makes the film seem to be rushed, overshadowing the superb acting-job made by most of the casts.

Speaking of, Scarlett Johansson (Mary Boleyn) and Natalie Portman (Anne Boleyn) - sans my total crushness on her - did a terrific portrayal of their roles' supposed personalities. The innocently naive Mary and the ambitious headstrong Anne. Throughout the film, both actresses have been skillfully in character that you can feel what the roles should convey. Eric Bana (King Henry VIII) borders on mediocrity while Anna Torrent (Catherine of Aragon) performed strongly but lacks exposure. Another performance to take note is of the Boleyn son, George (Jim Sturgess - Jude in the Beatles film "Across the Universe"), whose supporting role produced a good chemistry with his sister Anne on the film.

The production is of no question. Great costumes, nice settings, and the overall quality of reliving the Tudor era of England is there. Excuses aside for the Victorian geeks who might have seen flaws on the accuracy of the sets.

In all, it's a great film to capture the heart. The ending seems a bit dragging but the meaning is there. It may not be of classic status nor as comparable to other movies built around the Tudor controversies but it sure is inspirational and moving to watch.

Seven out of ten.

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INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by jaiskizzy

the gist: the bullwhip-cracking, fedora-wearing, snake-fearing hero is back! it's been nineteen years since the last crusade, and an aged, wiser henry jones jr. puts his teaching career on hold once again for another thrill-filled treasure quest. with former flame marion ravenwood and her son, mutt, indy is after the crystal skull, a legend-laden artifact that supposedly is the key to unparalleled wealth and power. he must use his plan-as-he-go skills to prevent it from falling into the evil hands of the russians, led by irina spalko, and return it to its rightful place. adventure has a synonym and it's indiana jones!

not one sliver of shadow of doubt about it: this is an indiana jones movie. from the old-school paramount logo (nice touch btw) fading into a prairie dog mound to the sweet albeit starwars-ish ending, you can bet your fanboy ass this is an indiana jones movie. i sat there in the movie theater (dodging irksome sidecomments from morons) reduced to the little boy i was when i first saw raiders of the lost ark on betamax and watched with glee my childhood hero come to life again. the moment the hat was picked up and put on in a silhouette next to a star, i had supernova nostalgic orgasm. harrison ford has been han solo, rick deckard and jack ryan, but he will always be indiana jones to me. yes, the age shows on his face but, whip me sideways, the dude can still kick derrières. indy is just an entirely different persona complete with his own facial expressions, way of speaking and quirks and i cannot see anyone else being him. the pratfallings, i thought were a bit too much though. here is a guy who relies on quick-thinking and pure luck and then you see him topple a bike over. oh, well.

the indy movies are famous for their over-the-top, bite-your-collar action sequences and indy 4 delivers on that aspect. the warehouse scene and campus bike chase were great appetizers and the jungle chase, a sumptuous main course. also, in staying true to theme, (1 had snakes, 2 had insects, 3 had rats) the new "creepy-crawly" and no, it's not the scorpion that stings mutt. speaking of mutt, i think it aint no spoiler anymore to lay down the cards and say that he is indy's son, his mom, being marion ravenwood, indy's first true love. this marion's a far cry from the tequila-guzzling femme fatele in raiders, but you immediately see that after all those years, she and indy are meant for each other. the boyish smile on indy's face the first time he sees marion again and the girlie smile on marion face when indy answers her question about his other women were goshdarn cute. plus, nice nods to marcus brody and henry jones sr., btw. but where's sallah and short round!?

anyways, cate blanchett wasnt much of a villain. her whole performance fell way behind the single scene in raiders when toht faces a captive marion and reveals an apparatus that looks like he'll use to torture her but actually turns out to be a coat hanger. but man, this woman is gorgeous, even with the wig she borrowed from uma thurman. and then there's post-sam witwicky shia labeouf. what makes "the beef" good is that he does not strive to be boytoy cute. here, he's a wannabe tough guy who trembles in fear entering an old graveyard. i dont know about you guys but i bought the idea of him as thirdy. that exchange of "whoa" between indy and him is a one-syllable testament of their realization that they really are father and son. the final scene with that hat thing is definitely a sequel hint and i could imagine a last crusade-like sequel where mutt is in school but wants in on his dad's archaeological adventures, and through some riddle in the mail, a sick marion finds out indy's in trouble and mutt goes out to save him. yeah, that could work.

i love this film and it pains me to admit its flaws (but then again, that is what love is all about, i guess). david koepp's patchwork script of the piecemeal leftover ideas from previous indy 4 attempts was evident throughout the movie. it didnt gel together as much as any of the first three and changes tonally in every scene. i like the part that plays on indy's fear of snakes, but it felt like it was an squeezed-in scene. another qualm i have was the meh cinematography. whoever this janusz guy is, he needs to brush up on his kubrick before he can match the visual edge of the first three indy films. his camera work was ok, but nothing special or surprising. the cameo of the ark of the covenant (from raiders of the lost ark) was a quickie spectacle for me but it seemed forced. i like my easter eggs inconspicuous, thank you very much.

finally, steven spielberg is a wonderful director, but you could definitely notice from scenes that george lucas was breathing down his neck the whole time. this dude just wont give in. he bitched about the script for many years and im sure even when all the hands have shaken, he still bitched about a lot of his stupid notions. george lucas, you are nuts. enough with your sci-fi crap and do something else, will you? produce another howard the duck, i dont care. just do something else. haven't you learned from the star wars prequels? grow up, man!!!

to anyone who will hate the movie, dude, it's make-believe. do not over-analyze. and if you think the whole [spoiler] thing is far-fetched, isn't a biblical box of spirits or a cup that can heal wounds just as far-fetched? anyways, to me, indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull is a new soup with old ingredients mixed with a few new ones that tastes as good as before. yum-yum. im gonna watch it again!

the good: the action sequences, the nostalgia, the joneses.
the bad: george lucas's shit.
the ugly: the cgi monkeys from jumanji.
the verdict: 8 crystal skulls (what else?!).


indianero jai.

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INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by obi

[CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD]

Henry Jones Junior is back and with a greaser kid in tow!

After getting entangled with an organized Russian archaeological crime ring, Indiana Jones was forced back to adventure from a teaching profession as he search for the mystery of the stolen alien artifact (from Roswell). Along the way, he was reacquainted with his former ladylove, Marion Ravenwood, and later on learned that greaser junior, Mutt Williams, is his own kid from her. One happy family reunion! La la la...

This happened in Peru where they were able to find the Crystal Skull in the hands of the Russian archenemy Irina Spalko. The Crystal Skull turns out to be the actual cranium of the alien specimen and Irina believes that it can grant her unimaginable psychic powers. To ensure this, she has to find the Alien Temple with the help of a barely sane Professor Oxley and the Indy Jones motley crew.

In a daring escape, they were able to break away from the Russian band snatching the Crystal Skull itself. Jones searched for the temple to return the skull to its rightful owners. Irina and his gang however caught up with Indy inside the temple as his traitor friend, Mac, left homing devices on their trail. Later on, greed for power and wealth left Irina and Mac dead as the Crystal Skull was claimed by the alien entity that owns it. The whole temple was engulfed by water, the very stereotypical 80's flying saucer whisked away, and from an elevated refuge Indiana Jones, Marion Ravenwood, and their kid exchanged cheesy remarks that screams "KIDDO's THE NEXT INDIANA JONES on SEQUELS!".

Steven Spielberg. George Lucas. Harrison Ford (Han Solo). John Williams. These are people that I so look up to and are involved in this movie. But as much as I want to toss in an all-out kudos, the film has a healthy share of major boo-boos.

There were a LOT of cheesy scenes and exchanges between Indy and Marion were reminiscent of the classical Han Solo and Princess Leia word-duels. There are scenes that din't really help the flow of the film but just a lame attempt to spark a romantic/heroic feel. It's pretty comical or engaging sometimes, yes, but most of the time it's just outright uncalled-for.

Story's far worse BUT it could be forgiveable since, yeah, this movie has tons of impractical stunts and impossible feats but it's just being true to the earlier Indy films which have an overload of that too. What's with Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear explosion locked inside a fridge? *smiles* So keep those brains on your bags and enjoy the movie only for what it's worth. I heard the script was rushed (maybe, to catch up with an aging Ford? hehehe...) so y'know what to expect.

Casting is a bit of a downer too. Aside from Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (Irina Spalko), I find the rest of the cast lacking. Shia LaBeouf (Mutt Williams) already looks too off for the role of a young bruiser, how much more as Indy's kid. I dunno if they intended it that way but I'd rather see a more hard-edged depiction - tough kid for a tough dad (he looks more foolish to me). Karen Allen (Marion Ravenwood) was never convincing. I think she's trying hard (THIS hard) to create that "kilig" factor between her and Indy... to a point that it's just annoying already. Really. As I said earlier, Ford did a good job. But why not, he'll just have to portray an old character of an old role. This, I dig because the script readily accepted that Henry Jones Junior has aged and it verily manifests in the movie. I sooo like the American Diner brawl with matching "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" tune. It outright date-stamped the settings to the 50's.

The cinematography rocks. The musical score too. Spielberg wanted to capture the feel of the classical trilogy and he did a good job on this one. With how the movie was captured alone, you can't really tell that this has been done more than a decade(?) after the last Indiana Jones. It's as if it is still filmed during the 80's. The limiting of the use of computer-aided graphics also contributed for this effect.

To sum it up, the storyline made it a cheesy sci-fi B-movie and the production, no matter how cool, barely justified everything up.

AND I'm sorry to myself that it has to come from me. (I love Indy *sniffs*)

5 out of 10.

No... 5.5 out of 10.

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SPEED RACER by jaiskizzy

the gist: speed racer can't think of anything else but racing and his older brother, rex. tragedy strikes the family when rex dies in a race crash. speed then grows up to continue his brother's legacy and becomes the most sought-after driver in the land. he receives a very sybaritic offer from a powerful businessman named royalton but turns it down for his family's sake. realizing that the past races were fixed, speed revs the mach 5 up to victory and joins forces with the mysterious racer x to finally put on the breaks to the evil mogul's schemes.

even with the wachowski's cinematic aptitude, translating an anime series into a 2-hour live action movie is no fraction of pastry. book adaptation, although a burden in itself, is in a way easier because you only rely on the text and let the imagination soar. but for cartoons, you have to be able to siphon its essence and inject it into flesh without destroying it. the wachowskis have managed a nigh-perfect transition and the result is a frenetic display of screaming aesthetics no other directors haves ever attempted. from beginning to end, you are optically assaulted with colors and effects that do not fail to dazzle. the races are just epilepsy-inducing graffiti painted with a palette of skittles. there's fight scenes with anime-ish motion streaks, all with seamless multilayer wipe editing. and this is probably the first time ive seen a scrolling end credits with pulsating colors. speed racer is, put simply, a visual exercise in pushing the proverbial envelope.

that is, of course, expected of the film. but plotwise, it doesn't really have the same edge. no matter how perilous the tracks are or how brutal the racers are, you bet your ass that speed racer will win it. the dull story, however, is balanced out with humor, care of almost-annoying spritle and the great chimpanzee chim-chim, and heart, that if you could stay awake through the lengthy conversations, which i guess were inserted as breather scenes from all that racing razzmatazz, you'd figure out why this is marketed as a family movie. other than that, contain your nitpicking nerves for a while and just enjoy the show. the trick is to shake off your academy award druthers and allow it to take you for a spin.

speed racer could have been anyone who had the boy-toy looks since it's kind of a no-brainer role. be cute, have angst, drive fiercely. emile hirsch did okay but he didnt really own that role as much as tobey maguire did peter parker. but it was great to see him in the blue-shirt and red bandanna outfit. it would have been nice if they made racer x even cooler and not seem like just some x-men reject. matthew fox looked kinda lost (pun not intended. really). rain (hate that name) looked cool kickin ass in his white racesuit with dragon print and scary in girl's clothing. and the 'stached john goodman in red shirt and blue jumper looked like super mario. surprised to see seibei samurai, btw, even though he was underused. but if there was one cast member who made this live-action anime movie a darn live-action anime movie it was none other than christina ricci. she's never been this cute since wednesday. she is so cute that if a carebear and a kitten mated, their offspring would cuddle a christina ricci doll in its sleep. also, kudos to the monkey, who looked great in a suit.

finish line: after their directorial hiatus, the wachowskis have returned and machined a vibrant kaleidoscopic movie fueled with the ebullience of anime. it aint no blockbuster breakthrough like the matrix but it sure was one good acid-trip ride.


the good: the visuals, the family values, the monkey!
the bad: prolonged talky scenes, mediocre villain
the ugly: henchman whose finger became piranha dinner
the verdict: 7 chim-chim "cookies"


speed raper.

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IRONMAN by jaiskizzy

the gist: in this film adaptation of the marvel comic book series, robert downey, jr. stars as tony stark, an alcoholic, philanderous wealthy industrialist who is kidnapped by terrorists after introducing his latest missile design, the jericho, and coerced to develop the destructive weapon for their nefarious plans. but stark instead creates a hi-tech armor suit, which he uses to escape. stark returns home to start a new lease in life and repair the damage that his weapons, in the wrong hands, have caused. and so, he dons an upgraded version of his combat cataphract and becomes the heavy metal superhero iron man! black sabbath song commence in full volume!

raise your hand if you've seen the movie. i think we could all agree that it is goddarn good. comic book fan or not. as the first comic book film handled by its mother company, marvel studios, iron man is a testament of respecting the source material. they made the necessary changes but held their brainchild close. the end result: a smooth as chrome origin story greased with just the right amount of action. jon favreau should start a special class on from-comicbook-to-movie 101.

who is jon favreau? he directed elf with will ferrell and zathura, the quasi-sequel to jumanji. he's foggy nelson in daredevil, the guy who couldn't shoot the basketball in the office. yes that guy. no offense to him, but it's just weird that that same plump goof made this masterpiece that is at par with steven spielberg blockbuster levels. i mean, you have bryan singer who directed the usual suspects and the first two x-men movies and then makes the supercrap superman returns. it wasnt that bad but obviously we'd expect more from him. switcheroo, and you have jon favreau who is not necessarily an underdog but i really had no idea that he had the craftsmanship to make iron man as great as it is, so much that it's being heralded as one of the greatest comic book movies ever. busloads of bravos to you, mr. favreau.

speaking of bravos, an even longer queue of buses to robert downey jr. that's perfect casting right there. not only does he have the alcoholic background in real life, but he fit the likable asshole persona snug tight. even when he had his "change of heart" he still had remnants of his careless bastard attitude in there, as proof that no one really changes overnight. different car, same driver. the rest of the cast did just as well, especially the dude himself playing obadiah stane, but clearly this was a one-man (or one-ironman) show. im pretty sure even the great al pacino would be dodging downey jr.'s snappy tongue, which btw is mostly improv. also, the cg-fucking-i is a-fucking-mazing. you just couldn't tell which is cgi and which isn't. the dudes at ilm really did their homework here.

a movie this great definitely calls for a sequel. im pretty sure they have the blueprint laid out already, what with those "hints". oh and if you are a comic book geek, stay after the end credits have rolled, okay?

the good: acting, cgi, the flow of the story, everything except...
the bad: the lack of a recognizable theme music.
the ugly: the terrorists, of course.
the verdict: 9 sonic paralysis gizmos.


ironicman

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TAXI DRIVER by angel

Don “Skizzo Four-Eyes” Corleone introduced me to this blog to make a review about Old Boy but I don’t know how to construct the right words in that sick, mind-blowing, wickedly vengeful film. I need to mellow out from the old ultra-violence for my insomnia attack.

I think I am supposed to be sleeping at this time. But to be honest, I can’t really sleep, I’ve been insomniac for weeks now I don't know what it is I feel. I can't help but feel like some people don't care. I can't help but feel like I've put too much out, and now I can't get it back. I can't even visit memories anymore, because I can't regain the feelings I had. And because I can't figure out where to put my raging thoughts, I think more. And as I think more, I have more thoughts to place. So I keep piling them up, and I know that there's no cure for it.

The film “Taxi Driver” suddenly popped, since it’s my favorite Mr. Sandman-bring-me-a-dream flick, I thought I could give Mr. Four-Eyes Corleone’s invitation to be part of his movie mafia. My apologies for my incoherently erroneous construction of sentences and swearing my dear brothers and sisters so here it goes…

Taxi Driver was portrayed by Robert De Niro as Travis Bickle, a young man that is trying to be an anti-hero in his fucking neighborhood or his so called city to be living in. He’s a lonely Vietnam vet insomniac wanderer who is trying to find meaning in his life by trying to assassinate a presidential candidate and by attempting to rescue a teenage prostitute from the mean streets of New York, and trying to free this burnt out hole using violence. I’m talking about insanity without the draw back, It’s about this lonely desperate man who can’t fucking sleep and giving all the best he could by trying to court a beautiful girl named “Betsy” played by Cybill Shepherd.

I’ve seen all types of film from gore to sick but this one gives me the creeps. By the time I reach the fucking climax of this fucking movie, it gives me this sort of a butterfly effect on me fucking stomach. But the one that really bugs me is the time that Travis took Betsy in a fucking movie theater, wherein they actually played a series of this fucking triple X movie in front of the servile scums.

By the time Travis went on in an extended shoot out in a fucking apartment building to rescue Iris was exciting as hell can get. This is the time were in all hell breaks loose. The fucking musical score was awesome. Scorsese tried to manipulate the viewers mind by projecting the movie through it’s astonishing soundtrack that portrays the gritty streets of New York. The strongest moments of this film occur during De Niro's disturbing "You talkin' to me?" monologue, the malicious beating of a robber's corpse by a victimized store owner and Iris's sexually frank business routine displayed during Travis' paid visit to her carnal abode which Harvey Keitel keeps himself satisfied and full. Brutal and insane director Martin Scorsese's homicidally impulsed husband is a racially vulgar gem that epitomizes the insanity of this film, as does Travis' punk hair-do which represents his further disintegration into deluded insanity. But throughout out the film, De Niro act as if he is too drunk to act or he is just acting as himself. I also think that he’s a real badass hottie but not in a flashy kind of way though, and brings the silly fan girl in me *drools*

Ironically and tragically, Travis' assassination attempt on the Presidential candidate in this film inspired the shooting of President Ronald Reagan in 1981. The shooting was done by John Hinckley, in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. All-in-all, this movie was the near best masterpiece of a brilliant and awesome director Martin Scorsese, and wouldn’t be made without the blistering performance of Robert De Niro and the rest of the cast, especially Jodie Foster who perfectly personified this teenage bitch in a pristine, unadulterated act. That’s all folks, I hope you liked it.

The Verdict: 9 pillows, a blanket and a dose of Valium

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THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM by obi

[CAUTION: SPOILERS!]

A young kid, Jason, kung-fu fan and Chinese film geek, stumbles upon an antique metal staff that transports him back to ancient China. Later on, as he met the Drunken Master (Jacky Chan), he'll be aware of his destiny to return the relic to its rightful owner - the Monkey King (Jet Li) - which is in NO way easy as the grumpy Jade Warlord and his gazillion-strength Jade honchos together with his chick lieutenant (who has hairs like X-Men's Storm's crossed with Rapunsel's) will stop at none (except a good bargain bazaar in Binondo, maybe) to snatch the metal staff and destroy it for good. It's doubly hard for our hero too since the Jade Warlord's lair itself housed the legendary Monkey King who has been turned into a stone statue.

Ala "Fellowship of the Ring", the duo happens along the avenging cutey "marry-Obi-ten-times-please" Golden Sparrow (Liu Yi Fei) and the Silent Monk (Jet Li, again) who share the same objectives with them... to kill the Jade Emperor and return the mystic staff to the Monkey King, respectively. The foursome journey towards the Jade Warlord's fortress and exhibited kung-fu prowess along the way as Jade minions after Jade minions sought for their heads. Jason also started his kung-fu training along their quest and started hitting on Golden Sparrow too (he sucks though... i mean, c'mon man... between him, an aging drunk, and a weird probably-celibate monk, how could he NOT make good progress on the pretty chinky chick. Tsk tsk... kelangan magpaturo neto kay Gerald Anderson!).

To make things short, they made their way to the Jade Fortress where a HUGE brawl happened typical kung-fu flick's many-is-to-one style, and awaken the Monkey King. The Jade Warlord died on the melee and so is Golden Sparrow (leaving Jason still score-less... HAHA... loser). Order was restored in the Kingdom and Jason was returned home.

As a film epilogue of sorts, back at the modern time, Jason meets a Golden Sparrow incarnation (I say, she's still prettier in Chinese garb). Maybe that's his chance to blow it up again.

To sum up the whole film in general, it's an Americanized old kung-fu movie. "Old kung-fu movie" in that apparently it's reminiscent of that time when Chinese martial arts movies hit international attention with the claim to fame of the likes of Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee and Ramon Zamora (?? hehe). "Americanized" in that Chinese influences on the film has been dampened by Western humour and story development.

The plot's a no-brainer. Everything's made up as soon as Jason was transported back in time. No surprising twists, not even a subplot (unless you consider Jason's L-A-M-E attempt to create a love story with Golden Sparrow). But... BUT, still I'll have to admit I much enjoyed the movie (staring at Golden Sparrow aside).

The stunts are good (the "wire-works" are flawless). The fight scenes awesome! The cinematography... breathtaking. The humour... fun!

Jacky Chan and Jet Li are still good with their craft. Their kung-fu is nowhere as swift as during their younger years but their fight choreography are still impressive to watch, especially with Jacky Chan donning his "drunken fist" technique again. Jacky Chan versus Jet Li, nuff said. This is history, man!

I can't see much antagonism on the Jade Warlord's acting, same with his female lieutenant, but when I started remembering back what I can recall of the old kung-fu flicks I've watched when I was a kid, I realized you can't really hate most of their antagonists because of sheer ominousness. They simply lack the aura that will make you say "I soooo hate this guy" as soon as you see them. Lame acting goes to Jason. Mediocre acting goes to Miss Sparrow (whose role I don't really think necessary aside from having a pretty-face on board). Kudos to Jacky and Jet too for taking on two different roles.

Another thing to watch out is the Chinese-speaking characters' English dialogues. It threw me off in confusion in some scenes before I got a grip on what they meant but if you've watched a couple of Jacky Chan films before, you should already know what I'm saying.

Aside from two pretty chinky chicks (White-Haired Lieutenant versus Golden Sparrow) fighting over MY attention, this movie has lots of other fantasy lore to offer with a mix of humour and kung-fu to boot. If not for those, just watch it because of the Jet-Jacky tandem!

Nine chinky gulamans, for crying out loud!


(from jaiskizzy: dude, it's jackie not jacky. dont ask for my help when he kicks your ass. hehe)

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I'M A CYBORG, BUT THAT'S OK by moira

Another progeny of Chan-Wook Park’s brilliance.

Only cuter.
In a demented way.

Intrinsically different from his earlier efforts particularly his revenge trilogy. “I'm A Cyborg But That's OK” renders a rather charming and disturbing air. Young-goon, who was played gracefully by Su-jeong Lim (A Tale of Two Sisters, Sad Movie) is admitted to a local asylum after she owned up to her mother that she’s a cyborg. While assembling a radio, she slashed her wrists one fine day at the factory, taped it together with a nude electric wire and plugged the cord in. Hence, a cute little mad cyborg.

She won’t eat since she thinks she’ll break and to live she charges herself a transistor radio. Il-soon, played by Rain. Yes, the pop icon is one of the looney lot who plays mean ping-pong and likes to scratch his arse a lot. Abandoned by his mother, who took all the electronic toothbrushes with her, Il-soon became obsess with his teeth, clever, custom-built face masks and in stealing people’s things, including their souls.

When Young-goon refuses to eat real food apart from alkaline batteries and became very week, Il-soon realized his fate as her aid. Out of his genius, he created Rice Megatron – a device that will turn food, rice and precious radishes into energy so Young-goon can eat like a “real” human. I say, ok.

Adored every aspect of this rather peculiar film. Asylums, hospital gowns, shock therapies, massacred doctors and nurses and lots of crazy people up and about. It is how I like a love story to be: Disturbed and charmingly witty.

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OLDBOY by moira

[CAUTION: SPOILERS]

The movie begins with Oh Dae-su’s tight clutch to the tie of this man who’s about to jump off a skyscraper while holding a dog. Oh Dae-su introduced himself and the frame then relapsed15 years back. “Classic.”, I thought to myself.

Behold. You’ll see the not-so-cool Oh Dae-su, with a bleeding nose, utterly drunk and acting superbly stupid, while thrashing at a local police station. After he pissed everybody off, he was bailed out and was abducted and locked away from everything he once knew, leaving only a violet umbrella with a distinctive and ornate design as an insinuation of who his abductor was.

Why?

Was the teeming question in my head and so as Oh Dae-su’s as he was slitting his wrists, writing the names of the people he fought with, bothered and hurt – and while masturbating to a girl on TV who isn’t “fleshly” nor “sexual” to masturbate to. The rest of his time, he devoted to his “imaginary training” to equip himself for his opportune revenge - which, by the way, a 15-year wait.

He woke up inside a suitcase at the same building top where the movie began. Saw the first human being apart from the guy who delivers his meals, so pardon the weirdness. This guy, by the way, was the guy who’s about to jump off a skyscraper while holding a dog. He jumped eventually.

But I remember him say this before he took his last flight out: “Mister, Even though I’m no worse than a beast, don’t I have the right to live?” I was stirred by this for some inane reason.

Oh Dae-su, now looking quite rad walked the streets in flames, at least only on the inside. He met this girl named Mido at a local sushi restaurant where he ate live squid or something with tentacles. This was also the occurrence where he first spoke to his captor. Oh Dae-su passed out afterwards.

He wound up at Mido’s place. From here, his rummage around for his tormentor began. With the help of Mido, this peculiar girl who cries over nothing, they began to trace the crumbs which led them to this guy who looks like a typical Koreanovela dude, Lee Woojin. Certainly, before they did, there were violence, teeth torture, gang brawls, hypnotism, deceit, sex, bondage, incest and lots of valium gases. Lee Woojin has been “kind” enough to leave them hints wrapped in the same violet and ornate packaging as the design of the umbrella. They looked into all possible searches for whatever may be the cause of Oh Dae-su’s ordeal. He was given 5 days to figure the puzzle out. 5 days to untangle a 15-year old wrath. Wow.

“Be it a grain of sand or rock, in water they sink as the same.”

A sin is a sin no matter how small it is. If you’re nosy back in high school and you like to talk about other people’s business a lot, like telling one of the Evergreen Oldboys that you saw Lee Woojin and her sister, Soo Ah sucking faces and bosoms in the Chemistry lab resulting to the girl’s untimely death by freefalling off a bridge after she learned that she's bearing both her daughter and niece, then you need to rethink your life over.

SPOILER STARTS HERE:
Stop reading if you must. You’ve been warned.

It might cost you your freedom for 15 incessant years and a big bulk of your sanity. It could also lead you to fucking your own daughter in the process, which of course, you won’t know until it’s been revealed to you by the tormentor, you’ve wronged. How? By locking you up for a decade and a half with only a television as your window to the universe, by pointing you as the murderer of your own wife, by putting you under relentless hypnosis and by making you believe that you’re the one who’s fixing on vengeance when in truth, it’s the other way around.

I didn’t just tell you that.

I drew one, too many hypothesis as to what the film is about. I even reckoned that the entire occurrence were just fragments of Oh Dae-su’s mind and was illusory since a rather familiar pattern was omnipotent in the entire set up: The ornate design of the violet umbrella, the walls, the clue containers, etc. In the end, I just thought the ornate designs were intended to make the hypnosis work.

Anyway, what happens after vengeance has been realized? Well, two things: The person taking on revenge would either live or rest in peace. In this case, Lee Woojin shot himself in the temples with such great execution and authenticity, you’d almost think it’s real. Suicide’s the ultimate “fuck you”, really - and I just quoted a line from Gingersnaps.

As for Oh Dae-su, I’d say he died too. In a profound way.

I don’t even have to stress out that the movie was superbly structured and carefully plotted like how a revenge movie should be. The cast played their respective roles gracefully as if they’re the characters themselves, particularly Choi Min-sik, who was both disarming and compelling as Oh Dae-su. Cinematography’s splendid as well. I can make out superlative stills from screen pauses anytime.

The best dish served though was the spectacular twist in the end. There were two actually. Else, I was dumbfounded by the fact that Oh Dae-su means “Getting along with people”. It didn’t happen. Lastly,

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”

(don skizzo's note: a better review than mine, even with the spoilers. i still call dibs on owning oldboy. and i dont mean just the dvd. see you in la fin absolue du monde, moira)

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN by jaiskizzy

gist: that doctor dude in planet terror who injected his hot wife's hands with anesthesia goes hunting for deer in the desert and happens upon the aftermath of a fucked-up drug deal. he finds a suitcase filled with money and finders-keepers it. hot on his heels is this creepy guy with a haircut that looks like it was done by a retarded barber, who is probably dead because this creepy guy has "killing people" under interests in his friendster profile. hot on this guy's heels is two-face from batman forever except that he doesn't have two faces this time so he's just one-face now. also, he doesn't do the coin flip thing, the creepy bad haircut guy does it.

the reaction: if you haven't seen the big lebowski, then you should 'cause you've missed out a bit. (i know i have, because i havent seen enough coen bros. movies. anyone got fargo?). it's one of my favorite movies and not just because of jesus quintana and tara reid offering a blowjob for 1 gs. anyways, so the story for no country for old men is not about deported geezers but basically revolves around three dudes chasing each other, the centerpiece being bad haircut guy who is like a robot built for killing (like the terminator, but minus one-liners), a calm, emotionless murderer who whacks his targets without double thoughts, remorse or care. he's like, "hmm, i think i'll kill this man." bam! man's dead. this dude is so badass, he could probably eat a running chainsaw and shit steak knives. his weapon of choice, though, is this cattle gun, a tank of compressed air on one end and a thing that can punch holes on people's heads and unlock doors on the other. if you ever see your doorknob suddenly flying across the room, run.

great acting from javier bardem (bad haircut guy). i cant imagine anyone else filling the role. he instantly soared high on my list of favorite movie villains. and i dont think anybody in hollywood can sport a haircut like that and still look mean. tommy lee jones was kinda meh, but still okay, echoing a bit his role in the fugitive. moss, a.k.a. josh brolin, good actor as well. in complete contrast to his menacing role in that grindhouse half, here, i was actually rooting for him and wanted him to escape bad haircut guy's clutches. i know bad haircut is a professional killer, but if he ever failed on a hit, i wanted it to be moss.

great direction though by the coens. the movie had just the right tension that you cant wait to see what would happen next. it wasn't too talky, which is good. my favorite scenes are the coin toss scene in the store with the old man (suspensefuller than recent horror films) and how bad haircut guy steals medical supplies from a pharmacy. he's like the macgyver of murderers, man. nice touch also with the absence of a music score, except for a couple of parts, but even then they were so subtle. i just didnt like how the story ended like that. we followed moss, bad haircut guy and tommy lee jones like stalkers all throughout the movie so much and then all of a sudden, an event happens but we only get to see the aftermath and the movie is done. ftw? still, i'd choose that ending over pinoy movie song-and-dance-in-the-beach endings any day.

all in all, no country for old men deserved the oscar win. hats off to the coens...except i dont wear a hat. glasses off then.

the good: story, pacing, villain.
the bad: a "huh?" ending.
the ugly: that fuckin haircut.
the verdict: 8 cattle guns.


your friendo, skizzo.

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SEX AND DEATH 101 by jaiskizzy

the gist: an engaged dude's smooth life goes bumpy (or perfect, depending on perspective) when he receives an email containing a list of names of the women he'd had sex with in the past. but the list does not end with the name of his fiancee. there's even more names below it and soon he realizes that the rest are the ones he will screw in the future. how cool is that? of course, he does what any real man would do: call off the wedding and follow the list. meanwhile, a mysterious woman dubbed "death knell", played exquisitely by winona ryder (where have you been?), is going around town "killing" guys who have committed sex crimes. and so i ask, will this femme fatale and that fortuned fornicator find each other? but more importantly, where can i get my list?! come on!

the reaction: do you guys know the death clock? you know, the website where you do some inputs and it tells you the exact day you would supposedly die? if it's true, then mine's soon. it's still years away, but still pretty close. i oughta be doing some out of the country travels by now. anyways, i guess that's what the message of this movie is. what would you do with such knowledge? is it a gift or a curse? that polarity is well played in 101 as in one point, our horny hero has surrendered to his fate of fucking and then in another, buries the list in the ground to take back control of his life. and then there's the part where he's not through with the list, but he meets the woman he considers "the one". behind all of this is the oracle, the machine that sent the email, and the three men who run it, alpha, beta and fred. the oracle probably represents god who has given out predefined lives and the trio is the main character's conscience, although fred's the only one excited about what the list simply is for: sex with a lot of women. well, that's how i see it.

hmm. speaking of seeing, did you see good luck chuck? man, that movie sucked shitballs. despite having slightly similar premises (guy does a lot of girls), 101 beats chuck by acres. the only things good about chuck were jessica alba and the ridiculous amount of women that bared their bodies and bounced uglies with that lucky bastard dane cook. 101 doesnt have both. yes, there's some nudity but in a quantity too modest for a sex-oriented film. nice-assed natassia malthe covered her chest. there's even clothed sex. i guess the budget didnt suffice for more undressing. so cheers for sophie monk and the rest of the uninhibited ingenues for displaying the goods for the sake of perversion.

of course, 101 won't stand erect and mighty if not for the exceptional efforts of simon baker as the libidinous leading/ladies man. dont know who he is but when i watched the movie he kinda seemed familiar. after a quick trip to imdb, i found out that he was the guy in scorsese's hitchcock homage, the key to reserva. comparing the two entirely unalike roles, this dude's pretty good. and what about the actress named winona? she's terrific as death knell. she's hot and weird and silly and cute all at the same time. ive never seen her with so much cleavage. she really needs to resurface into mainstream and bring that with her. anyways, the one remember most in the movie is the guy who played fred. he's got great lines. he's like the guy at work or in school who always says something funny to break the tension and you're left with wishing you had said it. which is why i wonder how he landed that oracle job.

still cant point a phalange on what genre this film belongs. drama? nah. rom-com? probably. feel-good? yes. dark comedy? definitely. whatever, man. watching this is like hooking up with a nice girl you barely know, talking with her about the physics of life and then having slow, passionate sex afterwards. she may not be the best girl around but you sure had a great time with her.

the good: the story/script and the t&a.
the bad: the killjoys.
the ugly: the real cynthia rose.
the verdict: 7 names of women im gonna have sex with.


the one-winged angel of death (and sex).

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SHUTTER (the remake) by jaiskizzy

the gist: the exceptional thai horror movie that starred piolo pascual is mangled to shitty bits in this unnecessary hollywood remake. a professional photographer goes to tokyo with his new wife for a job and after a mysterious car accident, they are haunted through pictures by a ghost from the past... oh, hell. fuck this shit!

allow me this one first: stop the asian horror movie remakes! seriously, stop it! filmmaker dudes, do not sell the rights to your masterpieces! do not be blinded by money! it's a trap! they'll turn it into crap! it's a crap trap!

this absolute piece of rotten animal feces is proof that nothing good comes out of hollywoodizing asian cinema. it just doesnt translate right. what they should do instead is bring the original film to their shores so that viewers can enjoy the film in its unadulterated form. here in shutter, they not only had complete disregard for the original, they even disrespected it by turning the thai film into a japanese one. that's just wrong. i dont care if the director is japanese and every crew member is japanese. they should have just made the whole thing in america. but even that wouldn't solve the film's big issue: it's a remake.

from frame one, anyone who has seen the original will surely see how it was destroyed. the leads are newlyweds and the vengeful ghost appears in pictures taken while they were having sex on the floor. the girl, that chick from transformers who isn't megan fox, later realizes that the ghost wasn't trying to scare her but was warning her from spending her life with an evil-secret-carrying husband. barfcakes. shouldn't she be warned before she actually marries the guy? then there's the entirely new location change of where the bad deed took place. the school is now an office and... wait, um, in the pictures with the models, the ghost gives clues by putting white streaks on a particular floor in the building in the background, which happens to be the office of the photographer's friend. but, the actual rape happens somewhere else. which makes no sense at all. and the ending is just horrible.

i could point out more shit but im starting to smell so i'd just end this review with an ellipsis...

the good: the chick from transformers (who isn't megan fox) taking off her top but it probably was a body double.
the bad: the acting, the changes, the non-scares, everything. gimme my money back!
the ugly: killing the ghost by flash bulb burning. uh, what?
the verdict: 1 long tongue french kiss.


shitter.

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