LE PARFUM DE LA DAME EN NOIR by jaiskizzy

ist: a great magician dies and the widow, the titular lady in black, remarries. the newlyweds spend their honeymoon on a nice little house, home to a handful of peculiar people. one of the guests suspects that the magician is dead which makes the lady in black the lady in danger. he and his bumbling sidekick must put their heads together to solve this mystery and unmask the crook amongst the other guests. guided by subtitles! yay.

a classic example of the film ingenuity of the french. you’ll never see a pinoy movie like this (unless some wacko plagiarizes it). the core of this film is its unconventional humor, it’s funny, quirky, and amazingly light, despite dealing with danger and death. weird that it’s almost magical how something serious is being discussed and then the zealous hostess would suddenly cut the tension with “let’s eat!” which instead of being annoying makes you laugh a bit. there’s just too many ridiculously funny scenes to enumerate, but one of my favorites would be the two guys hiding in a well each with a periscope to spy around them (im pretty sure you have no idea what im talking about. it’s just one of those “have to see” things). normally it would have been corny in another movie but here it just wasn’t. it perfectly jived with the tender tickle tone of the film. another favorite would be the solar submarine sequence, again a seemingly out-of-place idea but integral to the story.

hsuck me sideways if i knew who the director was, but whoever he is, he did quite a job here, there were some great camera shots (thumbs up to flashback scene in the school hallway) and fine scene “choreography”, like when one character retells an event in his point of view, we see the exact same scene that was previously shown but in a different perspective. only a few movies got this to work. another reason why this movie is such a bundle of enjoyment is its characters, all of them colorful and full of life, each with their eccentricities. for me, the best of the bunch is the dude who played sainclair, who looks so much like alan cummings. he has sort of a charlie chaplin aura with him and a teensy bit of gayness. sainclair is one funny chap and most of the time not on purpose. he steals every scene he is in. so he’s kind of like a speaking charlie chaplin. minus the slapsticks. one very notable scene has sainclair hiding in a workshop trying to stay quiet but instead causes more ruckus that results into a domino effect/chain reaction of the objects inside.

an unusual film with an unusual plot and unusual characters. needless to say, i had an unusually good time.

the good: the storytelling style, the characters, the humor.
the bad: a french film with no nudity?!? minus points!
the ugly: honestly... the lady in black.
the verdict: 7 detachable periscopes

le skizzeur.

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INSIDE MAN by jaiskizzy

it's a fine sunny business day in manhattan, so how about... a bank robbery? clive owen et. al. had just that in mind. masked, armed, and calculated, they turn the bank into a fortress and hold the people inside as hostages. enter denzel washington with big willy and the twins to match wits with the crooks and make sense out of this seemingly well-planned crime. enter jodie foster with a corporate smile on her face and a hidden agenda in her, um... hiding place (hey that one rhymes!). take a puff. it's a spike lee joint!

spoiler clue: inside man. the title says it all. anyways, this movie wasnt actually on my list of must-sees. not that i dont think it would be good, it just went under the radar and would have went right past me if layla hadn't wanted to watch it only because she's having an affair with clive owen (albeit an imaginary one). turns out it was a good thing i didnt decide to just stay home and ponder. because this film was beautiful. well, so was my companion, but this film was filmly beautiful. although ive had knowledge of the directorial existence of spike lee, ive never been really familiar with his movies. i heard they were good. now i have proof that they are. inside man was presented with a very personal feel. the exchanges between characters looked authentic and the shots were almost p.o.v., as if you were there watching the events unfold or eavesdropping on the conversations. you even see scenes like the unrolling of the police tape, something you dont see in most movies with a similar theme (that thing about the trains was very realistic) i also like the way spikey chose to inter-cut the present events with future interrogations with the hostages inside the bank who obviously survived. this helped increase the mystery aroma of the movie. lets you put together the puzzle piece by piece but not in a whodunit detective story way. do not expect any big scenes though. like i said, this is a very personal and very human movie. this may be a bank robbery movie but there are no car chases or bullet-ridden encounters here, no sir. (i wonder, however, why heist/hostage taking movies always happen near a diner...)

this film could be used as a visual aid in an acting class. the powerhouse cast performed at top-level calibre in their respective roles. despite zero drama moments. denzel washington was unbelievable. that dude can act. else, he's like that in real life. every word he let go and every expresion he wore, real like the hair on my knuckles. he never goes over the top or makes a hero's one-liners. just calm, casual, and cool. clive owen is equally great, considering he had to act behind a mask most of the time. i think it was primarily his vocals that gave the attitude his character needed. closing the triangle is jodie foster in a very easily but well done role. this trio held the film together and i doubt that the movie would have worked the way it did if it werent for them. also, in a small but effective part was the green goblin himself. and then there's a girl and her nice cleavage that needed no acting. bra-vo.

i am a volleyball and i just got spike leed.

the good: good directing. fine acting
the bad: a lil predictable. or was that deliberate?
the ugly: denzel on a segway shot.
the verdict: 8 bugged pizza box lid lifers.

detective skizzy.

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CARS by jaiskizzy

"i am speed... i eat losers for breakfast." goes the pre-race mantra of lightning mcqueen, an arrogant rookie race car all eyes on the prize: win the piston cup and be dinoco's new endorser. on his way to california for the finals after a triple tie, lightning gets lost and ends up at the forgotten little town of radiator springs where he destroys the main road on his arrival. he is sentenced to community service and is prohibited from speeding away until fix the road. soon he makes new and learns a few important lessons in life, like tractor tipping. will he get to california in time to make the audience weep with a dramatic moment, i mean, win the race?! ka-chow!

as a fan of pixar animated features, with a special lil fondness for the shorties, i have been anticipating this follow-up to the incredibles. on the other hand, layla's primary reason to see this one is because it is was born out of apple. so, she and i headed to eastwood and watched it with about a hundred fairly well-behaved kids (thank heavens). and who better to judge if this film works than these mini men and women? based on their reactions, cars definitely scored high. they bought all the lil jokes, laughed at the hillbilly tow truck, mater, and fell silent at the right moments (one proof that this movie isnt heavy for their noggins to comprehend: lightning discovers doc hudson's true identity when he finds a familiar object in doc's house (garage), to which a kid who was paying attention exclaimed: "piston cup!"). i myself found... uh, myself, chuckling at some of the jokes and losing it at a few (which seemed meant only for the adults to understand, like, lightning says "piston cup." and then mater retorts "he did what in his cup!?"). but the scenes that really reached out and tickled everyone funny boner are the car "spoof" of pixar movies: toy car story (you're a toy... car1), monster trucks inc., and a bug's life, voiced by the original actors. this wittiness was probably what made this animated film appealing to both kids and adults, and i think i blinked too many times and missed out some of the small ones (some of the ones i didnt miss: "braking news", "i auto be in pictures", and jay limo). and there are still lots more to enjoy.

anyways, owen wilson voiced lightning mcqueen well. he was able to channel a distinct personality to the car, as if you are actually watching him do the gun gesture when he does the ka-chow. paul newman as doc hudson hornet was very believable as well. but it was larry the cable guy/mater who brought the garage(house) down. well, not that much, i wouldnt say he stole the show as some would. he just excelled as the film's main comic relief, and im pretty sure we'll be hearing from him or seeing him more in future projects (git-r-done!). other cars i really liked were the hippie volkswagen van fillmore (he has a license plate goatee, plays jimi hendrix' rendition of star-spangled banner in the morning, and offers homemade "organic" fuel), and guido the italian forklift who only knows one english word: pitstop (his pitstop debut was hilarious). the cgi was topnotch pixar, great car designs (although as an adult, i thought they were a tad too cartoony and flexible), awesome landscapes, and supa-fine lighting effects (the reflections on the cars' shiny exterior were amazing). plus it has michael schumacher as a ferrari. coolness.

yet another pixar classic. great kids movie that kids of all ages and all kids at heart will have a blast with, although in varying levels. not the best in the timeline, but worthy of the legacy nonetheless. definitely demands a second viewing. here's to ratatouille!

the good: the cars, the humor.
the bad: how come there were no kid cars?
the ugly: the rust-eze cars.
the verdict: 8 white wall tires.

skizmacher.

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THE OMEN by jaiskizzy

gist: in this updated version of a classic, julia stiles and a dude who resembles one of my high school friends (topaquits!!) are the oblivious parents of the devil’s son whom they have aptly named damien. some sinister shit starts spreading as the path to power is paved for the prince. a priest preaches prophecies, papa ponders, peter piper picked a peck of pickled pepper!

not a good film. okay. but not good. that is, on its own. but if you’d compare it to the original, it plummets down to crap territory. mostly, it was faithful to the original, but the things they changed though didnt work. i remember how creepy the old omen had been and how this remake wasnt (or maybe because i was just a kid then). this one felt like watching a long episode of csi miami, with csi (las vegas) as the original omen. well... yes, it kept me awake. yes the impaling was cool, and the decapitation even cooler. yes there was one suspenseful scene involving an air bubble and a startler involving snow. but beyond that? close, but no cuban. i actually had a hard time completing the summary above, because sentence number one was the only solid definition for this movie. everything else that followed and surrounded that concept seemed like random stuff thrown in for padding, like cotton to a flat-chested girl’s bra. sure, they contribute to the idea that this boy is satan’s offspring sent to give the earth a beating, but they don’t really form a concrete mold to hold a well-structured story together. anyways, three-quarters into the movie, i already had thought of a nice way to review this film. as a tribute to the apparent collapse of the julia stiles’ career (what happened to you, girl?!) i present to you…

10 things i hate about the omen 1. julia stiles. she looks fat and old. 2. damien. looked scary in the trailers. acted scary in the movie. 3. the red stuff. too forced. 4. clues to the death. a la final destination. 5. the nanny. too obvious. i would have fired her at once. 6. the dogs. could have been scarier. 7. the men in the gorilla suits. sheesh. 8. scaring the audience with sound volume. 9. cheapo video editing. 10. the predictable, no build-up, “that’s it?” ending.

plus there was no clear indication if damien born on 6/6/6 or the events begin in 6/6/6. because if damien was born in 6/6/6, then the movie happens in 2012, and it doesn’t look like 2012 at all. one more thing, whatever magical thing killed the other players, why didn’t it kill damien’s dad? tsk. tsk. tsk. a very very defective movie. obvious rushed to meet the 6/6/6 deadline. tsk.

the good: the impaling and the seamless decapitation.
the bad: refer to the list.
the ugly: the toothbrush commercial scene. ugh.
the verdict: 6(66) red balloons. (3 if compared to the original)

jai albert omen or the owen.

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KISSKISS BANGBANG by jaiskizzy

a twist of fate puts harry, a small-time thief, in an acting audition and faster than post-pee tapping lands him on the lap of los angeles california, in a party where he meets a gay detective called gay perry, and sees his promiscuous high school crush, harmony, getting felt up by a stranger while she sleeps on a table. the three of them are then sucked into a murder conspiracy while i ate beef tapa that felt and tasted like plastic.

is robert downey jr. gay? because if he isn't, then he better undergo some masculinity restoration program because he is definitely sending out gay signs in his role here eventhough his character, harry, is 100% male and boners up when snuggling with harmony. i don't know, it was just kind of annoying and made it hard for me to relate to harry. val kilmer, on the other hand portrayed his gay perry role very well. refined and held back, the kind of homosexual i wouldnt have a problem being around with (except for the kissing part) because the only thing i hate more than vegetables are loud and proud gay people. anyways, thank goodness there was a pretty stunning girl named michelle monaghan to cancel out all of this gayness. she's kind of like an l.a. lolita, she's an aspiring actress who's only claim to fame is a beer/bear commercial and she's probably slept with more men than you could ever invite into your stag party. still, she was purty hot.

this movie is so fast-paced, scenes just snap one after another, it would seem that the book this was based on was no more than 100 pages long. a lot of things happen in this film, and despite a few being a bit far-fetched, i enjoyed almost all of them (except for the kissing part). these scenes are accompanied by some smart and funny dialogue, especially the ones that went between harry and gay perry. one good line was val kilmer's after he bitch-slaps harmony's father: "big tough guy." three words that represented a paragraph of explanation. now that's some swell writing. another aspect that makes this movie so entertaining is the narration by harry, one of the best movie narrations in my opinion, to the point that i believe robert downey jr narrated better than he acted (he even pauses and rewinds the film when he forgets to tell something). i dug the groovy cartoon opening credits. kudos go to the director, who gave this movie a fresh book-ish pulp-ish look. oh and by the way, if you are a guy, dont make "i will survive" your ringtone...

highly entertaining despite the lack of over-the-top sequences and super special effects or the not talky, artsy-fartsy philosophical/social/moral/spiritual messages.

the good: the narration, visual style, harmony.
the bad: the gayness. ugh
the ugly: the kissing part.
the verdict: 7 johnny gossamer novels.

skizz skizz, bang bang.

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THE DA VINCI CODE by jaiskizzy

the very naked dead body of an old man is found in the louvre. jean reno, the professional, is on the case and his primary suspect is forrest gump who is sporting a bad haircut. suddenlt amelie appears and tells mr. gump that this aint no ordinary murder. together, they embark on a puzzle-laden adventure to solve the mystery about the church's best kept secret, which has something to do with the priory of sion, the holy grail, and jesus banging mary magdalene. hot on their heels is an albino sith apprentice named silas who likes to hurt people and himself. so... run, forrest, run!

with the hype that surrounded dan brown's book, a movie adaptation was inevitable. despite the hype, which i believe was, and is still, too much, i have not read a single sentence inside that book (eventhough i have it in ebook form). probably part of the reason is how those people who have finished the book yap about it so much and feel like they are the smartest being on earth. maybe in the far future when the hype has died down. anyways, equally hyped to the most annoying levels is this movie. and after watching it with zero expectations and uninfluenced by negative reviews, i scratched my head and wondered what the fuss was about. although based on real facts, this is an obvious work of fiction and anyone who'd take it seriously is a moron (and what the heck is the problem if jesus was human and not god? arent his teachings the only things that should matter?!). this is simply three hours of boring talk about what ifs. the puzzles didnt even carry any weight. the plots of indiana jones 1 and 3 also had religious themes but that's a gargantuan load of fun compared to this. and both didnt even need flashbacks to explain stuff. heck, even national treasure is great compared this. the problem of this film is its lack of excitement. id take all the talk you need, but i need some thrills to boost me out of dozing off. the only discourse that entertained me was between langdon and magneto, fresh from his demise in x-men 3, as he is now a crippled geek. sir ian mckellen's performance was the sole saviour of this film, his orgasmic joy upon seeing the crypt text was so genuine.

who played geoffrey chaucer in a knight's tale, although he really needed more creepiness. they should have made him more shadowy and "ghost"-like (there should have been more scenes like when he grabbed langdon's neck in mid-speech). jean reno's fache character required tweaking as well, as it seems it was written exactly for him. then there are the two leads, one of the worst acting couples to a movie. tom hanks's robert langdon was flat and wasnt as dynamic as a hero characters are supposed to be, and the added claustrophobia didnt help 3-dimensionalize him at all. and what the hell happened to you audrey tatou?!? well, i guess this was a case of miscasting because she's a really great non-mainstream actress. she just didnt fit sophie's shoes. the only time i thought she acted well was in magneto's private plane where she was scolding silas. and by the way, if sophie was such an important person, why would her grandfather just let her run away like that? ending was predictable.

i guess it was a bad decision to get ron howard to direct this film. but the fault isnt entirely his alone. the script should have undergone a dozen more drafts. this movie felt like a lecture on a very interesting topic that you wouldnt want to miss. then when you attend it, the lecturer just goes reading a book verbatim aided by dull powerpoint slides. im sure id have hated this movie more if id read the book. but other than a couple of good points, very disappointing and boring.

the good: silas, teabing, subject matter.
the bad: all talk, no action.
the ugly: the controversy.
the verdict: 5 flogs to the back.

leonardo da skizzi.

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X-MEN: THE LAST STAND by jaiskizzy

jean grey has resurrected from her watery grave and has turned into the varicose-vein-faced phoenix, posing a new threat to the uncanny x-men team. meanwhile, the homo sapiens have created a cure that would destroy the mutant gene and eventually wipe out the entire mutant race. soon, homo superior will become no mo’ superior. obviously magneto aint gonna tolerate this and so he forms an army against the humans to show em who’s boss. it’s a mutant super orgy down ‘ere in ol’ alcatraz, kid, but alas! still no gambit, ma cheri.

first off, i’ve got to say that i am a comic book uber-geek. i possess quite an extensive knowledge of the comic book universe and everytime i would sit my ass to watch a movie based on a comic book, i’d see what they did right or wrong. to achieve as much realism as it can, the film format has the liberty to alter some of the features of the book it was based on. the trick is to make it work so that us fanboys would care less. i’ve seen several negative reviews of x-men 3 but from my point of view, brett ratner managed to pull a rabbit out of the hat. you see, there’s just too many mutants and naturally too many storylines in the comics and it’s simply impossible to squeeze them all into, say, five movies, even if each was four hours long. in this 2 hour flick, they built a double-plotted story that included enough mutants to please the comic fans and one of the most compelling comic storylines ever: the dark phoenix saga. (sadly, jean grey never really goes all-out flaming dark phoenix… groan) it was good to see beast, done well by frasier; angel, giving me an overdose of wing-envy; juggernaut, played nicely by vinnie freakin jones; and shadowcat, who is doesn’t-comb-her-hair cute. to be able to let them have vital roles and not just as extras is a scriptwriting feat that deserves praise. especially kitty pryde as she, i believe, was most able to put her intangibility powers to good use. a nod also goes to the cameo by moira mctaggert, an important human character in the comics. i also liked the bit part of jamie madrox, the multiple man, despite being at the wrong side. even wronger though is that his powers to replicate cant be done at will. forgiven, due to the slightly faithful costume. didn’t like callisto one bit. or porcupine boy. ugh.

the action scenes were superb, although a bit erratically spread out i think. i’ve yet to see wolverine go berserk but his scenes were great. even if bone-throwing man and limb-regenerating man obviously didn’t stand a chance in the first place. i would have gladly paid more if they had showed him decapitating the sentinel. or berserking through three. i guess the abundance of mutants affected the screen time of the leads. storm, rogue, iceman, pyro, they kinda sorta felt like just passing through. and then there’s mystique… who… um… what a bod! far from perfect, the main mistake of this mutant movie is its pace. i think brett ratner took the rollercoaster formula too seriously. too many ups and downs, which you aren’t really able to enjoy as much. in the down parts when the characters die, they just die. as if the film is hurrying up to get to the next thrill. even the final battle sequence, grandiose as it was, felt like too contained. with all those mutants and their different powers, they could have chosen a wider warfield where they can wreck more stuff. the special effects weren’t exactly very special, awesome, but nothing stood out. good to finally see the danger room. it was also cool to watch magneto doing some city rearranging.

bryan singer may have left the x-men to do superman, but the movie was tossed over to good hands. ratner clearly knew crap about what he got himself into but he mustered enough talent to deliver a flawed but wonderful-enough movie. (p.s. there’s a little twist ending after the credits but it wasn’t shocking as it was supposed to be.)

the good: more mutants, the use of their powers, and the danger room.
the bad: the deaths and the weird pace. and no gambit!!!
the ugly: the gray-skinned dude who had bad breath.
the verdict: 7 cure shots.

skizzy superior.

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SILENT HILL by jaiskizzy

a sleepwalking little girl has been creeping the hell out of her parents ever since they adopted her, saying "silent hill" while asleep. so her desperate mom takes her there to find some answers. what she find instead is the deadest town on the earth where ash falls like snow and roads suddenly crumble to emptiness. the darn kid disappears, and with the aid of a female cop who looks like pink, mom named rose ventures into the eerie streets of silent hill where its scare-you-to-shits season and freak-ass creatures galore. beware the horn! based on one of my favorite games ever because it creeps the hell out of me.

back in the days when i had the time (and the console) to play video games, one of the games i played religiously to the very end was the resident evil series. i always played it with the lights off and i thought that was the scariest game i tingled my spine on. wrong! silent hill came around and gave a new definition to horror gaming. if i wet myself when i get scared, silent hill would have made me flood my room in piss. but getting scared makes me high so i loved the damn game. and now here's the movie based on that game and what a faithful translation to film it was. the film was able to capture the essence of the game's spookiness. once rose wakes up to find herself in silent hill, it felt like she had gone inside the game itself. the atmosphere, the lighting, the set design, the color (grainy grungy and rusty), the shots (i loved the camera angles which were very much like the game especially the top view shots), the scoring (very very much like the game's music! neato!), the pace (every "chapter" would end in a fade out) and of course the monsters. my favorite? pyramid head and his big ass mother-effin knife. now that's one game boss that'll be sure tough to beat! could've worked minus the insects though. then there are those nurses with melted faces blocking rose's way (just one of the frightful scenes that got my lovely companion cringing like a child). them fidgetting faceless nurses were hot! two button-bashing thumbs up to director gans, whom im sure was a big fan of the game as well! awesome job dude!

however (god i hate howevers), this movie was two notches away from perfection. one, the acting. horrible. the only thing i liked about rose was the way she ran, which is just like in the game (which kinda weird actually). other than that, she went flat all throughout. the worst when she did the little speech in the church. yikes! well, i guess the fruit doesnt fall far from the tree cause the kid was just as unconvincing as her mother. especially on evil mode. it's in the eyes, hear me? get someone with evil eyes! the best actor in the whole cast was colin the janitor. and i mean, when rose finds him in the bathroom and he crawls(?) after her. classic. negative number two: the explanation sequence. that one kinda killed the moment. the pick up after that was great, gory great (kid-dancing-in-blood-shower great), but still, they could have done it better than that boring diplay of flashbacks which i believe lasted way too long. also, there were parts where the cgi was pretty bad but i didnt mind. i forgive em anyways, if only for that nice little touch where rose is trying to find the school. in the game, if you were lost, you'd take a peep at the map. well, they managed to incorporate that into the movie in a way. but i guess only fans of the game would find that little detail cool.

finally, a good game-based film. there are loads of video games that would make great movies, all you gotta do is do it right. and silent hill is one example. "mother is god in the eyes of a child..."

the good: basically everything that mirrors it to the game. the feel, the cinematography and the music! oh the sweet scary score!
the bad: the acting. the explanation sequence.
the ugly: the censor's bad cuts. if you're gonna do some cutting, at least get a good editor, will ya?
the verdict: 8 big ass mother-effin knives, baby.

silent skizzy.

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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3 by jaiskizzy

tom cruise returns as imf agent turned imf agent trainer, ethan hunt for another round of ethan hunting. wow. nothing can be more repetitive than that. wow. nothing can be more repetitive than that. anyways, he’s getting married but imf enlists his field expertise once again. a new agent whom he had trained has been kidnapped by by the evil philip seymour hoffman, and his mission, if he chooses to accept it, is to retrieve her. with the help of three other agents, mr. katie holmes embarks on an action-packed adventure that involves a lot of running. a lot. run, ethan, run!

like ive said before, tv was my third parent in my childhood years and the original mission: impossible series (aired on gma7 if im not mistaken) was just one of the many shows that eventually caused my poor eyesight. anyways, of the three m:i movies, to me, part three was the most faithful. as indicated by the title, the missions are seemingly impossible, but they become possible because of teamwork. in the tv series each team member had a vital role (although my fave was the disguise dude) and no one overshadowed no one. in a way, that was exercised in m:i 3, especially on the second mission in vatican city. and, there’s the sleek orange lamborghini and the slick maggie q that made me drool doubles. still, m:i 3 is a tom cruise movie(as well as the first two) and it kinda gives an impression that he never really needs the others to aid him. although tommy did justice to the hero role, i really think he must stretch his acting out of what he’s used to. and is it me or does this movie resemble minority report a bit? anyways, the other thing that made this movie work well like the tv series was the straightforward action. you’ll find none of the “money shot” sequences from m:i 2 here. just run-of-the-mill thrills but kick-ass cool nonetheless (in one mission, it doesnt even show what ethan hunt did in the 5 min deadline he promised). don’t get me wrong, john woo did a good job with that one. but j.j. abrams proved that you dont need flying bikes, slow-mos, and a million bullets to get the job done.

j.j. was able to steer the project in the right direction (2 other directors had abandoned it). the story was played out nicely. he paced the film well, with most scenes done fast and direct to the point, no prolonged dull dragging moments. this was complemented by some topnotch editing. (the opening credits were sweet!) he also put together a great cast, most notably philip seymour hoffman who gave a compelling performance as the menacing but calculated villain named owen(!). thumbs up too to simon pegg (shaun from shaun of the dead) who did great as a realistic, funny, un-robotic tech guy. and of course, the gadgets and the over-all agent activity were cool. but enough with the praises. i have one thing negative to say about this film. on some certain shots, prevalent in the action scenes, the studio must have hired a nearsighted epileptic cameraman. i think these shots were too up-close and too shaky. im sure they wanted to incorporate some grungy style of some sort (as seen in other movies) but seriously, if it makes the viewers nauseous, it defeats its purpose.

mission: impossible iii is a fine follow-up film fans would find fantastic. it’s good that hollywood is giving these younger directors a chance since they respect the material and don’t dally with over-hyping their films and just focusing more on taking the audience on a fun ride.

the good: the pacing and the editing.
the bad: the uber-tight jittery shots.
the ugly: lawrence fishburne.
the verdict: 8 rabbit’s feet.

secret agent double-o-skizzy.

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PULSE by jaiskizzy

Way back in dial-up internet days of japan, there was this obscure horror film entitled pulse. good thing I found a copy. The last few horror films I saw didn’t frighten me at all and Ive really missed that feeling for so long, so thanks to pulse for brining back the fear in me. The self-dialing internet, the weird internet feed, the slow moving shadow thingy, the red taped doors, the wallprints, golly good stuff. But the one thing that was burned into my brain that I’ll never forget the awe I had upon seeing it was the no-cut scene where a woman jumps off a very high industrial building and lands smack on the ground below. Coolness.

The story is complex, and told in an even complexer way, which is great considering most Japanese movies are presented in the same approach, with scenes that seem kinda detached from the flow of the story. Ive gotten used to it so much that I expect it beforehand. An example would be the scene where the computer lab chick and the loser dude go into a train station, ride the empty train, and then go back to where they’ve been. The suicide is also an example of the “detached” scene. No Hollywood or pinoy film has employed this style and made it work. One more thing that separates this movie from the mainstream ones: the lack of screaming. I know, a good scare needs a good scream, but not always, and besides, the blaring blonde bimbo can get annoying sometimes. This movies does away with that cliché and does no harm to the fright factor

Pulse is just one more evidence of the uniqueness of Japanese films. Remakes have been made but they could never really capture the odd visuals and unorthodox storytelling. In a way I think that all Japanese filmmakers had some sort of agreement that all their movies would be done in this manner, no matter how different their movies are, there’ll be this very noticeable “essence” only Japanese films would exude. Good job, guys!

The good: the scared feeling it gave me and the red tape idea.
The bad: no sudden frights, but it’s ok, I guess.
The ugly: the black ghost dude talking about death near the end of the film.
The verdict: 8 white dots.

the skiz.

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BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION by jaiskizzy

the she-devil who opened her legs and showed the whole world the thing in between them in basic instinct 1: no subtitle is back for more mind games, murder and of course hot humping action! This time around, she’s making her shrink’s life a living hell as people get murdered around him like ducks in hunting season. Whodunit? Whocares?

ah yes. basic instinct. the matrix of r-rated movies. the one that our parents didn’t want us to see back then. but we were able to anyways, and so here we are with this sequel of sorts, expecting the same steam. But nah-uh, Sharon stone disappointed me. first of all, the trailer was misleading. I could clearly remember seeing a scene there that involved one lucky sonomabitch double-teamed by two women. a ménage-a-trois. a threesome. i wanted to see its entirety. but satan knows where it went, it is nowhere to be watched and enjoyed perversely in this film. That and probably a hundred other sex scenes that were omitted in the final cut. Darn. Really, it’s basic instinct dude, why else would I watch it?! Okay, there were a couple of screwings but nothing special went on. plus, they featured the old and wrinkling Sharon stone, and a nobody not worth googling for. Not happy. So the movie basically (hehe) fails to deliver what it is notorious for, and the rest just falters with it.

the dialogue was kinda good though, especially the conversations that went on between Sharon stone and the psychiatrist dude, credit will mostly go to the fine acting from both of them. Ms. Stone was mind-fuck mistress all throughout, talking to her in real life would probably have resulted in me slapping her face or my monkey. The old wrinkling lady’s still got it, I guess. The psychiatrist dude was very very… um, psychiatristic, in a slight qui-gon jinn kinda way. But I think the movie would have worked better if Sharon stone was in a lesser role and some new sexy girl was cast in the lead, with sex scenes in 75% of the movie. Make the new lead Jessica Alba and I’d pay triple.

another case of sequel failing to at least equal its predecessor. Basic instinct 1 had fucking right from the opening credits. This one had fingering in a car running at high speed. I don’t know why they made a sequel to a classic and not try to come up with something to make it as memorable as the first. pussies.

the good: the acting.
the bad: too tame, too lame. What a shame.
the ugly: Sharon stone compared to herself in the first one.
the score: 4 big ben lighters.

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THE HILLS HAVE EYES by jaiskizzy

a family goes on a road trip, choosing the hot california desert over a nice cozy plane flight. they soon learn their big mistake as the car's tires are spiked flat, leaving them stranded in the capital of nowhere. but that is the least of their worries for the area used to be a bomb test site and they have caught the attention of its mutant inhabitants (not the x-men). it's the carters versus the toxic avenger's relatives! place yeerrr bets!

this remake of an old wes craven fright flick was handled by a dude named alexandre aja who made the great gory film haute tension. mr. aja did pretty well with both films, dishing out more than the usual serving of gore and brutality in mainstream horror. in the hills have eyes, there are finger chopping, broken baseball bat stabbing, and an axe to the head, all that in one sequence only. there's also a nice nasty no-blood scene where a mutant dude sucks a woman's titties while aiming a revolver at her baby. and that is after he rapes her younger sister. and thank you to the dog for doing its part in the battle against mutated murderous monsters. a little thumbs up to the cast for putting a good show with such realism, especially the ones that survived, i think i would have done the same thing given the circumstances. that dude with the glasses and facial hair is one tough mother-effer. bastard won’t stay down.

however, this movie lacks one really important horror movie requirement: the scares. there are literally zero scares. no jumping off the seat or quickening of the heartbeat for me. i liked the movie but for me to enjoy it entirely there should be at least something that would give me goosebumps or make me afraid to sleep alone. i guess mr. aja forgot to include that ingredient. anyways, i liked the way how the simple wrong-place-wrong-time scenario branches off into two perspectives: getting the baby back and defending the base, both still about dealing with the vile creatures, cliffhanging you with alternating scenes. the p.o.v. shots were kinda cool as well, the one where a dog leads the baby's father into the tunnel seemed exactly the way it would look in real life, as if actually looking through the actors eyes and not a camera lens.

a decent horror flick not afraid to be ruthlessly gory the way the others aren't. and stress on the decent. another essential horror movie aspect missing from this one: t&a. the hot chick sunbathing in a blue bikini top aint enough.

the good: the gore factor.
the bad: the absence of good old scares and sex and nudity. oh come on!
the ugly: the nuclear fallout freak family. i am a heartthrob after all.
the score: 7 severed arms.

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STAY ALIVE by jaiskizzy

Beta testing an unreleased video game entitled “stay alive”, some dude and his friends die in the same manner their characters died in the game. As a tribute (what?!) his other friends decide to play the game as well and soon enough they too get killed the way they get killed in the game thanks to the blood-bathing bitch countess Elizabeth bathory!

This movie is a case of good premise, bad execution. I mean really, if you play the game and you in the game, you’ll die for real. How can you possibly fck up a cool concept like that? Apparently someone can and did. First mistake was the poorly written screenplay. Every scene was just badly laid out. The dialogue was flat. Plot holes everywhere. When the dead bodies were turning up, the police were like all over the gamers. Then they’re just completely out of the picture. Also, agent cody banks’ unexplained resurrection. And then there is the senseless back story of the lead. Mistake number two was the bad actors. Not the worst ive seen but seriously, it is obvious that they chose to cast unknowns to fit their tight budget but come on, man, at least get some good people. The last mistake would be the pg-13 rating. Why make a movie and call it a horror movie if it doesn’t have anything scary in it, no blood, no gore, no sex and nudity? And to think the video game in the movie is a horror game. Sheesh. Maybe they should have made the movie about text twist instead.

Now, allow me to point out a couple of good things about this flawed flick. The game controller buzz as a scare effect. That was a nice touch. But they should have used more and properly. I also liked the game itself. They should have made a game like that for real. I’d play it. The movie should have made an impression on viewers that if there really was a game called “stay alive” they wouldn’t play it for fear of actually dying (I guess this wont work on me even if they did manage to give off that effect, Im the kind of person who wants a chucky doll and would be happy to sleep with it). Sadly the only impression it made was that it was not impressive at all.

Oh god how I miss the really good scary movies…

the good: the premise. the game.
the bad: the movie.
the ugly: my face realizing the time and money I wasted.
the score: 3 vibrating game controllers.

the skiz.

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