HATCHET by jaiskizzy

the gist: while freddy and jason went on hiatus to recuperate from their fright fight and mike myers did some shit with rob zombie, a new mad murderer manifests from the mucky muck. his name is victor crowley (any relation to aleister?) and as the folktale goes, he had a disfigured face and when some kids burned down their house in the swamp while he was in it, his dad killed him in trying to save him: he was pressed against the door when daddy-o used a hatchet to break it down. believing his existence is a myth, a bunch of folks go on the infamous haunted swamp tour for some cheap scares. pretty soon they realize that victor is in fact alive and kicking/killing and he gives the visitors a bloody warm welcome. yay!

the reaction: a few days ago, katia and i were discussing horror movies. she doesn't like them, i crave for them. she pointed out that she does not want to pay money just to get scared. so i told her, you should pay money to get scared because it's the feeling/emotion we get the least. you laugh every day, cry sometimes, but very rarely get scared shit. unless you're a complete paranoid freak. anyways, that's the primary reason why i love horror films (and riding roller coasters too). the rising tension and then the sudden surge of surprise. (nudity is secondary) nowadays, the surprise though is that the recent horror movies aren't that scary anymore. well, except for the awesome asian ones, which they would then make lame remakes of. like a true terror icon, hatchet crept up behind the pack and attacked when least expected. while everybody else was looking far and ahead, the writer/director, adam green, an obvious 80s horror buff like myself, was looking back and probably thought maybe it's about time to go back to bloody basics. so he had a gangbang with the masters and in 2006, gave birth to victor crowley, a baby we've all been waiting for.

a flick that will probably never see silverscreen light in this conservative country, hatchet is a big nod to the classic american horror my generation had loved and missed. sure, it's another mean, lean, killing machine on the loose hacking and slashing humans here and there but isn't that a good thing? hordes of horror films have hopped out but only a chosen few actually lived up to the genre. now here comes a newcomer requesting your attention. not smart, no twist ending needed, no killjoy cutaways and no tear-jerking. just pure bloody goregasm. if it does get released here, it'll surely suffer from the heavy editing under mtrcb hands, hence, losing the very essence of what slasher films are about.

i like the methods of kills, especially the one were victor emulates on a human what king kong did to the t-rex in peter jackson's version. never seen that before! i also dig the stylish slow-mo splash of blood and entrails. that's a trademark in the making. plus, plus points for getting robert englund and kane hodder. still, this movie is beyond perfection. and that is probably the fault of victor crowley (or at least the guys who designed him). he simply isn't that memorable. he's one ugly bastard with a big slice on the face. that's it. i don't know if this would spawn sequels (i do hope so though) but if it does, then victor better work on his identity if he wants to stand amongst the giants. also, the huge amount of tit-flashing is great and all, but please employ some really hot, gorgeous girls next time. it will be a big difference. very big. other than that, hatchet is great horror movie to watch, especially with a girl who scares easily. wehe.

i am pretty certain that this will turn the current trend around and more films like this will get made, vying for that spot in to be the next horror icon. victor crowley aint there yet, but he is one tough conteder.

the good: the blood
the bad: the beast
the ugly: the babes
the verdict: 8 shovel handle impalings


jai the ripper.

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SHOOT 'EM UP by jaiskizzy

the gist: carrot-munching clive owen reluctantly helps out a pregnant damsel in distress against the gunned goons going after her. amidst the shooting, the baby is delivered and the woman is killed. and so begins a cool as crazy bulletfest between this one-man army and, well, an army led by paul giamatti, all while playing papa to the newborn and trying not to lose concentration because of the steamy monica bellucci, who plays a lactating prostitute. yes, a lactating prostitue. will our mysterious hero reach complete trigger happiness? or will he run out of rounds and luck to dodge them bullets? and will the cops arrive late at the very end of the movie like pinoy action movies? i hope not. but even if it that was the case, i could care less. this movie had me at shot-the-umbilical-cord hello.

the reaction: i have this great idea for a pinoy action movie that will break through the norm and be the impetus for the next generation of pinoy action movies because seriously, it's pretty obvious everything's been the same and gotten so lame that they've practically stopped making them now. anyways, im not gonna tell what's it about since rippers-off (damn you!) are lurking about but it has a good way of making sense out of the necessary senseless gun violence, why the hero seems to never run out of bullets, how he's able to do all those stunts, et cetera. shoot 'em up, on the other hand, keeps the hero's secret a secret. it's hinted, but we basically have no idea who the heck he is, how he can do all those cool things and why he prefers carrots as his only source of sustenance (among other uses). maybe because it's good for the eyes? hmm. anyhow, such questions need not be asked since this film is obviously self-aware from the get-go (or get-gun?). it's deliberately cheesy and over-the-top and doesn't take itself seriously at all and so you shouldn't as well. yes, there's a story thrown in there, and characters, and an ounce of philosophy too, but the bottomline is it's just meant to give you a good time from bullet number one to the last.

an exgf once said hat clive owen was the best choice to play the next james bond after pierce brosnan decided to give up the bowtie. i personally thought hugh jackman was perfect for the role, but after seeing clive owen in this movie, i still think hugh jackman should have been bond. because i believe clive owen is better at being a rough curmudgeon than a suave lothario. he made eating a vegetable look carnivorous. on the other hand, monica bellucci once again channel her inner sex goddess as the hot female lead needed for an action movie equilbrium. it's not stereotyping. that's just how monica bellucci is. she could be covered in bird shit and i'd still think she's hot. stinky but hot.

kudos to the director for not resorting to bullet-time to make things cool. i love the matrix but we've practically had more than enough bullet-time from all the action movies that used it after. here, we have none of that, just a bunch of unusual ways to shoot and kill bad guys. sometimes with the baby in two.i couldn't pick a favorite since they were all so goddarn badass but my top two would be how he kills a group of henchmen in a van with just one gun and the sex scene shootout, although the latter was a bit of a letdown since monica bellucci, who never had a problem showing her goods, kept her skirt on and we saw nary a nipple (pause button?).still, it's fucking while shooting. sex and violence in one scene alone. awesome. i do have to complain about the soundtrack though. i know that an action film requires a heavy metal scoring but i felt like the songs chosen for this one were kinda off. i liked the songs out-of-movie but i never imagined nirvana's breed or motorhead's ace of spades would be appropriate for action sequences. maybe it's just me but i just think that it didn't have the same effect that pretty handsome awkward had when barricade chases bumblebee in the transformers movie.

not everybody will enjoy this movie. if senseless violence aint your cup of tea then keep your distance and waste no time making negative reviews you've already cooked up before even seeing it. you're just being a prick. but if you love the occasional brainless fun like no-strings-attached sex and riding rollercoasters (not limited to that of course, but you get the picture im trying to paint), then leave the kids at home and jump into the fray. with outrageous gunfights, downright silly one-liners scrunched into a disposable plot, shoot 'em up is a great way to take a break from the monotony of the pretentious, the remakes, the ripoffs, and the absolute crap movies of late. bull's eye...

the good: the action sequences and monica bellucci.
the bad: soundtrack.
the ugly: just the greenscreening in the sky shootout sequence.
the verdict: 8 carrots.


skiz 'em up

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1408 by moira moirtæma

The movie was undoubtedly King’s. There are many aspects in the flick that projects communal thesis. One is that the main character is a writer. Second, the setting was in a hotel (Remember, “The Shining”? - Didn’t think so). Lastly, among other collective themes: King’s love for ghostly horror.

Nuis and I sat at the farthest left side of the cinema where most people would take advantage of the shadows. I know, I am a proud constituent of the flock. But this time, our aim is to avoid distraction. I wanted to see if King has somehow changed.

Hmm.. Well, it’s still King.

Ghostly hotels, skeptical writers, somnolent settings, restless ghosts of people who committed suicide, sinister cries and screams, surreal concepts, haunting pasts..

At some point in the movie, I thought, Enslin (rendered by Cusack) was just psychologically injured. And all the haunting things, he saw in that hotel room was just a prognosis of the mind’s eye. That he was just mad about the demise of his only daughter. I’ve been amiss. There were ghosts, alright. Okay. So there. See? It’s King.

Well, don’t get me wrong.
There are daunting scenes in the movie that will cause you to take refuge beneath you lover’s shirt. I know, I did. But over all, the movie is a typical ghost flick, that can be perceived by the five senses alone.

If you are into films that makes you think more than visualize: Watch something else.


The Best Parts:
(According to myself)

1. The Doppelganger.

- Enslin tried to scream for help. He waves at this man in the other building in front of where he is, trying to make him call the police or something. Surprisingly, he noticed that the man is doing his every move. Everything. Imagine standing in front of a mirror, only think of the other building as your reflection. Bring up a lamp, to reveal the face of the man who copies your every move. Only to find out that it's YOU.

2. The Eternal Wall

- Enslin tried to escape the building by going out of the window and trace the narrow sills to the next room. He counted it at first on the inside, by foot, from the window to the wall next room. Approximately nine feet. He went out, trace the “nine feet-distance” to the other room. And saw eternal bricks.

3. Katie’s Bloodied Feet

- The ghost of Katie, Enslin’s dead daughter, toddled amongst the ruins of the now derelict hotel room. She walks with her naked feet on the shards of broken glass and mirrors. Her every step: bloodied.

4. The Best Kiss.

- Was Nuis’. Ha-ha.

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RUSH HOUR 3 by obi

Lee and "7-11" (his mouth's open 24 hours) is back and crazy as ever.

A summit was held in L.A. regarding the key to the dissolution of the largest crime gang, the Triad. The Chinese Ambassador heads the exposition but there was an assassination attempt in his life even before the summit commenced. Lee, acting as VIP security then, chased the assassin and somehow Carter got tangled up with the ruckus as well.

Their investigations led them to a contact person in Paris and the duo flew to France to follow up with the case. They eventually uncovered an age old tradition amongst the members of the Triad - the Xie Chen(?). Whoever holds the Xie Chen, will have the key to knowing the important personalities involved with the criminal organization. But getting their hand to the Xie Chen wasn't easy as they discovered that Lee's brother, Kenji, was actually a member of the Triad and charged with looking after the Xie Chen.

The Xie Chen manifested in the story on a French stage actress Genevieve (the Xie Chen list actually tattooed on her bald nape). By some twists in the story, the duo was able to recover Genevieve and uncover another Triad big boss - their very own contact in Paris, Varden Reynard. Before totally sacking the case close, however, Kenji abducted the Chinese Ambassador's daughter, Soo Yung, and asked for an exchange with Genevieve.

Carter disguised as Genevieve and went with Lee to meet with Kenji for the exchange in the Eiffel Tower. Of course, fierce action scenes ensued and by the end, the L.A.P.D buddies were able to save Soo Yung and solve the case of the Triad's Xie Chen.

The whole film is basically short at almost only one hour and a half but it was packed with a fast paced plot and a hillarity that is a trademark of the "Rush Hour" series. I am a fan of the first two films and comedy-wise, this would top the second "Rush Hour". I was literally chuckling most of the time (as I refrain from laughing out loud in cinemas as much as possible).

One should be able to predict how or when some of the jokes will be delivered. This is a bad thing for most comedic movies, but the thing with Chris Tucker is that he can make an impact out of his delivery that no matter how you anticipate it, you'll still can't help laughing your arse off. With Jacky Chan, well... if a Chinese kungfu actor singing (or trying to sing) a line of "The Closer I Get to You" while riding a swing doesn't appeal to your funny bones, then I don't know what will. The overall hilarity of the movie boarders on what you've already experienced on the first two prequels BUT it's still so so enjoyable, nonetheless.

The plotline is fairly simple and frankly, a bit lacking. Lacking in fact that after watching the movie, I was like... "Eh? That's it?". My sis, bro, and bro-in-law was into the same reaction that I was convinced that yes, it's not because I enjoyed the movie so much that I was looking for more... it really was lacking more. The story's transition to its climax was flawlessly developed but the finale was so abrupt and out of synch with the entirety of the film.

On the casts, well it's a comedy movie with two of the main roles in focus for the entire film so you din't need much invest on casting bigger stars for the supporting roles. In that sense, Jacky and Chris proved that they still have the chemistry to pull off the old tricks they did on the first two "Rush Hour" movies. I observed, however, that Chris Tucker might have been given a bit more "air time" here in "Rush Hour 3" but the idea of the Lee-Carter team up was there all the time.

Don't set your expectations too high when watching the movie. As I said, it is your typical "Rush Hour" movie with those typical "Rush Hour" antics in that typical "Rush Hour" storyline. But one thing for sure: their same old formula will make you laugh.

Seven gulamans.

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HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX by jaiskizzy

the gist: harry potter et al are back for more wand waving and broom riding, now that lord voldemort, he who must not be named but i just did, has returned to do some dark deeds and get a nose. but that is not the case if you were to ask the ministry of magic because according to them everything is just a bunch of lies and that harry must be high on sniffing too much magic dust. as new laws are imposed in hogwarts led by the new ministry-assigned teacher, harry refuses to give the fight up and is determined to defeat the dark lord whatever it takes. does he stand a chance against baldie and his minions? cant emma watson be of legal age already so it wont feel wrong to think she's hot? but most importantly, will these actors ever get to do other movies? moviegardium reviewsa!

the reaction: ive never read any of the harry potter books and i dont think i ever will. i tried to, once in the past, but i wasn't even able to get past page one. i dont know. i just dont feel like it. so pardon me for any mistake i might make about the books. i'll shoot it to you straight: i didnt like this movie. it was very disappointing. there was a certain level of energy and grandeur that the first four had which this one lacked. it was mostly flat and uneventful scenes. well, of course lots of stuff happen. i just didn't find them as striking as, say, the flying car sequence in chamber of secrets and the map thing in prisoner of azkaban. except for that quick wizard wand fight near the end, nothing else stands out as special, yes, even the broom ride along thames river. just scene after scene of mediocrity. it wasn't boring, mind you. it just felt weak as if you're not watching a harry potter movie at all. that's probably why the kids behind me were so noisy and barely paid attention to the movie. it didn't capture your interest. it merely played on the fact that it is a harry potter movie and people would watch it, fan of the book or not, regardless of what they put in there, like dancing frogs or something. upon leaving the theater, the movie seemed like a filler episode.

the special effects were okay, cgi was okay, like i said, nothing new. well, maybe for dumbledore's water ball. that was awesome. i read somewhere about hagrid having a half-brother in the movie that was done entirely in cgi and that the technology they used was quite advanced. really? it didn't seem like so. plus it was dark so that's kind of a giveaway. then there are those cart-pulling creatures that can only be seen by people who've seen death. only she and harry can see them. then later harry and the whole gang are riding these beasts. wait, what? how did that happen? im sure the book has some explanation but i guess they forgot to include that in the script. what, did harry kill a squirrel in front of his friends?

some of the other reviewers were right though when they said that the chemistry between daniel radcliffe, emma watson and the dude who plays ron (nice hair btw) was great. they do feel like they've been friends a long time. no dialogue-ish dialogue to reiterate their bond, just plain friend language real world people use. however, there was a highly noticeable absence of humor that was present in little sprinkles in the previous films. here, i didn't laugh one bit. the usual comic relief ron wasn't in the mood i guess. dumbledore is starting to become lame. i think that he should have the same presence of gandalf whenever he's on screen. here, he's more like gimli sans comedy. except for that wand-off (sorry can't help it) with voldemort in the end, he's quite depensable. i think the first actor was better. the only other actors worth praising was the girl who played the unblinking luna lovegood, and of course, gary oldman. dude's cool. everything he does, he does with panache, especially the way he casts his spells. en garde!

like i said, i was not impressed. whoever this director david yates is, they should fire him and have someone else direct the next one to work some magic to put the flame back on and keep it burning (get alfonso cuaron again!). like magic show where the magician does tricks you've already seen a million times that you know how it's done already, this gig was a letdown. ugh, i wish i'd watched this online instead.

the good: the wizard battle and gary oldman. (and emma watson of course, sshh!)
the bad: the direction, the screenplay and the rest of the movie.
the ugly: the asian girl. like, what!?
the verdict: 4 prophecy orbs.


he who must not be tamed

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DIE HARD 4.0 by obi

Detective John McClane is back with yet another showcase of his daredevil skills. In a daring attempt to sabotage the entire American economy, a group of cyber-terrorists lead by a sacked government computer head honcho Thomas Gabriel, executed what they dubbed as the "Firesale". "Firesale" is their term for a three-point economic cyber-sabotage composed of messing up with the traffic ways, blocking the communication lines, and shutting down the power grid. In able to do this, Gabriel's terrorist ring staged a competition among the hackers to program the software that will initiate the "Firesale". After the program was finished, the syndicate started killing all the hackers involved.

One hacker lived, as his assasination was foiled by McClane, who was under order to arrest the hacker - Matt Farrell. As the duo went along with their business, McClane eventually uncovered the reasons why Farrell was under attack and that it was tied up with the economic sabotages that was already hitting America (the start of the "Firesale"). McClane, who just won't die, kept on being the arse pain to Gabriel and company. In an attempt to sack the detective, Gabriel kidnapped his daughter and bargained for her life if he'll stop the crackdown to their evil plans.

With intense action scenes here and there, McClane finally saved her daughter and kill the bad dudes before help from the NBI arrived (how typical Pinoy film scenario!).

The movie's a very "guy film". True to it's title, it was jampacked with hardcore action scenes from start to end that it will make you wonder how the heck McClane survived all of that. The story was there and I pretty much like the concept of cyber-terrorism but take note that there's a whole LOT of exaggerations in the movie that certainly would never be possible in real life. So to appreciate the story, you'll going to keep in mind NOT to question the capabilities of the good guy... good guys should always triumph no matter how. Period. I also wanted how they emphasized the weakness of the American way of life brought upon by mucho dependence on computers. Props to whoever conceived of this idea for the prequel.

Overall, it's still your typical "Die Hard" film with a never-say-never cop who seemed to have challenged the world just to have his way of making criminals pay. They said it was a tad stylized than the prequels but I think it was mainly because of the presence of the organized crime group and the NBI officers (who have been visible all throughout the movie but wasn't really much of a help). I haven't watched Die Hard 3 (DH3) but I still can recall DH1 and DH2, and I can't see much change from the McClanes of the prequels. In this movie, McClane is still McClane. I'll have to give the credit to Bruce Willis and his charisma to carry on the charge of portraying the scruffy-looking detective again as he did years ago despite having aged to his 50's.

Hands down on the acting department. Timothy Olyphant (Gabriel) and Maggie Q (Mai Lihn) are very capable adversaries to McClane, with their merry band of computer hackers. Timothy has that sinister appeal on him while maintaining the "not-a-dumb-villain" look. Maggie Q, on the other hand, flawlessly fulfilled the role of the token Asian sidekick. She's still scorching hot on combat gears (as in MI:3) and although I find her resillience to McClane's attacks unbelievable (no matter how brutal they were and how wiry this chick is), I still loved her performance for the role. Cool martial arts moves too. Justin Long (Matt Farrell) did not look too geeky for his role. I'd rather prefer he portrayed the "geekiness" as exhibited by Warlock (Kevin Smith), but I guess that's what the director intended anyway.

One of the scenes that made me raised an eyebrow (although I really can't do that raising-an-eyebrow thing) was when an F35 jetplane chased down McClane on a freeway, and the protagonist walked out of it alive. That's just pushing it too much! I mean, McClane was being shot at like hell by anti-armor rounds and payloads of missiles with only a truck - a HUGE truck! - at his disposal.

HUGE TRUCK = HUGE TARGET

And the fighter pilot kept on missing the damn thing like a three year old trying to pin the tail on the donkey, blindfolded! And when he finally hits, he was still dumb enough to stuck himself to ground where McClane could make an easy work of doing funky stuffs to it and send it to doom. Watdapak?

All just to give the viewers a good action ride. So yeah, you should get by now what I'm trying to mean by "it's a guy film"... sacrificed reality for more loads of action!

Seven gulamans.

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RATATOUILLE by jaiskizzy

the gist: a rat named remy realizes that he's a rare rodent reared to round up rich recipes and not to rummage through rubbish. rrrr. his forbidden journey to the realm of humans leads him to the lanky linguini, a garbage boy who works for gusteau's restaurant and dreams of becoming a chef. i guess it was kismet that they met because soon their dreams come true as remy puppets linguni around the kitchen to make dazzling, delectable dishes, putting them in the suspicious sights of the two-heads-high head chef and the mean mouth of restaurant critic most cruel, anton ego. will the dynamic duo's cuisine reign supreme (iron chef! hah!)? will rats and humans finally have a mutual coexistence? wait a shit, a cooking rat?!?! hello, leptospirosis?!? [insert horror tune]

the reaction: i can't cook. gusteau is wrong when he said anyone can cook. anyone but me. i was anatomically assembled to consume, and not produce, food. and part of that process was probably to stay thin no matter how much i eat. anyways, this film focuses less on the food, more on the characters which is a good thing. just like in the incredibles, brad bird and the pixar peeps have once again taken a very absurd impossible idea and gave it a heart and made it believable. i totally dont dig the whole concept of a cooking rat but then when i watched this movie, that skepticism seems to have been switched off. i never actually thought i'd find rats endearing (im not scared of them like layla, but they are icky), but this film just makes it work. not only because it's animated, but the way the rats, especially remy, were presented with such personality and no forced cuteness, kind of like human beings in rat suits. in the slightly similar live-action movie willard, they made you hate rats even more than you already do. here, they managed to get you to be fond of them, or at least hate them less, for the duration of the movie. but afterwards, did i go home and start treating rats as friends? no, sir.

i liked the story, the classic reach-for-your-dreams-and-follow-your-heart, or in this case, follow the ghost of your idol chef. nice little love arc too. well, they are in paris, right? but the bestest best part of this movie is the cgi. pixar has come a long long way since toy story. every film is like the next step in cg animation, continuously raising the bar for the genre, but breaking that bar themselves. yes, shrek also has superb cg but the story aspect has deteriorated. here, the stars of the show are the rats. they look and move just like real rats. sure, they're also a bit cartoony but the details of realism are amazing. the way they scurry, get wet, sniff, very real. i read somewhere that the rats were supposed to look less real at first but brad bird decided against it. good call, mr. bird. as a paradox, the humans look very cartoonish. accompanied by great voice acting, most notably peter o'toole's anton ego, and you've got a spectacular treat of a movie.

they couldn't have picked a better tagline: a comedy with great taste. it's a fine funny family film that will definitely delight young and old alike. well, that's kind of a no-brainer since pixar hasn't failed the audiences' animated appetite. can't wait for their next serving (which is wall-e).

the good: the cgi. wet, cgi hair never looked so real.
tha bad: the whole idea. yeah, it's cute. but for crying out loud, a cooking rat?!?
the ugly: the kitchen filled with rats. now, imagine that's your kitchen...
the verdict: 7 lightninged mushrooms.


skizzy a la king

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DEATH NOTE by moira moirtæma

I've finished the 32-installment anime series after hours and hours of staring at the tube box, reading the impossibly miniature English subtitles. I so like the concept of the series and I wouldn't mind the perish of reading its poor translation.

Enough of the series.
This review is for its movie adaptation.

Unlike the series, the movie adaptation is far more simple yet gracefully
crafted. The plot is more comprehensible and yet at the same time, it wasn't forced. There were many deleted and modified scenes in the adaptation but it didn't deviate from the series' original concepts. Although the ending was unlikely like that of the series.

To sight a few of these differences -

Light is already in college when he picked up the Death Note, when in the series, he was still in highschool when he did.

Light doesn't have a girlfriend named Shiori who was killed by Kira thru manipulating Pebar's fiance.

L doesn't have mole on the left phase of his nose. (Ha-ha)

Chief Yagami didn't die in the movie. In the series, he even died still possessing a Death God's eye after being bombarded by Mello and his mafia. Hee.

L wrote his name on the Death Note to convince Chief Yagami that Light is the real Kira. Eventually, he died after 20 days as what the rule says. He died peacefully while eating a chocolate bar.

Light was killed by Ryuk, himself by writing his name on the Death Note.

Over-all, the movie is good. Although, there were major changes made to the script, the complexity is still there. Not to mention, the 3D animation was superbly crafted. The casting was also good, yet there were aspects in the adaptation where the character of the actor or actress surfaced than that of the character that they are portraying.

Picture is good too.
I give the adaptation, four stars.

Cheers.

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TRANSFORMERS by obi

A war on their own world has brought the noble Autobots and the antagonistic Decepticons into the Earth in search of the Allspark, an alien cube that is the Transformers' only hope to rebuild their devastated world. The Decepticons, Blackout and Scorponok, attacked a military base in Qatar while the insidious Frenzy sneaked into the Air Force One, all just to tap into the military secret files in search of information about Project Iceman. Project Iceman would lead the Decepticons to the whereabouts of their leader, Megatron, who in turn will lead them to the location of the Allspark.

The deceased ship captain involved in the events leading to Project Iceman turned out to be the grandfather of our lead role, Sam Witwicky. Sam holds the key to the location of the Allspark (engraved on his grandfather's eyeglasses). In some turn of events, Sam will own Bumblebee and later on learned about the nature of the Transformers. In an attempt to find the Allspark, they stumbled upon the secret government agency, Sector 7, which holds the secret to the location of both Megatron and the alien cube.

Unbeknownst to them, Frenzy the MVP was able to skitter his way towards the secret location by stalking Sam's hot girlfriend, Mikaela (yeah I really have to insert "hot" there). Frenzy contacted the Decepticons to converge on his location and freed Megatron from his cryo-freeze slumber. All the while, the rest of the Autobots are on their way to make their stand against the Decepticons on a nearby town. It was a battle royale when both factions clashed for the Allspark. I have to break it to you that Jazz was decapitated by Megatron. But in the end, Sam was able to dump the Allspark to Megatron's chest to destroy both the artifact and the monolithic robot.

Don't leave the cinema yet when the credit rolls since along with it, there will be teaser scenes that made a sequel imminent.

Most people anticipated the movie to be crap, and you can't blame em. First, the previews din't much give a clue on what does the robots look like and on the short moments that they did, they seemed very far from what the animated series presented. So the first thing that will hit you was that this will just be another kiddie movie with an unrealistic crap for a plot. There were also the rumours that outright deviated with what we generally know about Transformers... biggest of them was Bumblebee being a Camaro and not the lovable bug (Volkswagen Pendong Pagong) that we all knew. Another was that it's on a present-day settings. Transformers the cartoon series was set on the 80's and thinking of that alone would lead you to conclude that the script writers would recede to ridiculous ideas just to tie-in the whole concept into a more modern timeset.

What's awesome about it was that much of these were true - the robots din't much represent their original transformations (Prime, even when a truck, is not the original boxy hauler from the cartoon series) and the modernized concept is waaay different from the 80's Transformers that we remembered BUT despite it all, the overall impact of the movie is surprisingly well!

I believe that what contributed with this much appreciation was the fact that the movie was able to compensate a LOT of cool graphical goodies for what it lacks from the cartoon series. For most, the CG is outright wicked! The transformation is smoothly done and the robots' interactions with the humans are seamless that they really looked like coexisting simultaneously. It also has tons of fan services the likes of the original transformation sound and cheesy one-liners from the cartoons like Optimus Prime's "one shall stand and one shall fall" and "Autobots, transform and roll out!". It's just frustrating that they never played the original Transformer musical score!

The plot line is well simple. Your typical good versus bad thing. It's not what the movie would like to showcase anyway. It threaded away from the cartoon series' storyline but it still has some adherence to the basic concepts like how they characterized the Autobots' personalities (although Bumblebee was an exception in that he was not wimpy in the film). The Decepticons' Frenzy was surprisingly the MVP of the plot since singlehandedly it was responsible for the hacking of the government networks, uploading a virus into it, finding the location of Sam and freeing Megatron! The story basically was there because of Frenzy.

Most of the casts are pretty decent. Shia LaBeouf (Sam) was really reminiscent of the cartoon series' Spike. I can find the similiarities on their personality. I find the US Army squad led by Josh Duhamel (Captain Lennox) a bit overplaying their role. They din't strike me as grizzled war veterans and more of the stereotype heroic soldier we commonly see on films. Megan Fox (Mikaela) is hot when she's on her grimy look, nuff said. Also, it was nice to hear the original voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). If only Megatron and Starscream's original voice talents were there too, it will be total awesome-ness.

The bad thing is if you're a diehard fan of the 80's series and won't appreciate much of the deviations done on the movie, you would probably walk out underwhelmed. To enjoy the film, you have to set your mind up before seeing it that this will not be much of the cartoon series we loved back then. No problem for the later generations, they'll sure enjoy watching it. Watch out for the humours too. There were scenes that would make a good laugh.

The goodies will sure outweight the bad and I would like to see either Bumblebee or Frenzy nominated for the Oscars. 9 gulamans worth.

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TRANSFORMERS by jaiskizzy

the gist: giant fucking robots have come!! one, disguised as a helicopter, has attacked a u.s. military base in qatar apparently to steal some top secret 411. the survivors hike into the desert and bump into another one in scorpion form. one more that can change into a cd player hitches a ride on air force one. lara croft's dad, who now works as the department secretary, is like, what the heck's going on? meanwhile, sam witwicky, who's trying to sell his great grandfather's stuff on ebay, finally gets a car which turns out to be a roboto incognito as well. it's bumblebee! soon his cybertronian comrades, led by the great optimus prime, arrive on a mission: find the allspark and prevent it from ending up in the menacing mandibles of megatron and his metallic minions. leaking lubricants! it's the autobots versus the decepticons in spunktacular cgi combat! who would be the last robot standing? will this movie make us fanboys happy? and, dude, is that megan fox chick blazing hot or what?

the reaction: damn you, michael bay, came the battlecry of generation geek, revolting against the apparent desecration of precious childhood memories. when word that a transformers live action movie was being made broke out, prayers were answered. but when information, pictures and video were gradually released through the geek-ruled internet, negativity spread fast. flames on optimus prime? lips on optimus prime? bumblebee's not a vw beetle? megatron's not a gun? no soundwave? madness! but as a rabid fan of the cartoon series myself, i took no part in this digital stone throwing. i completely understood that it was highly impossible to make the movie exactly as it was in the cartoon. it couldn't and wouldn't look right. case in point: megatron being an alien spaceship instead of a walther p38. someone said: that's like having darth vader turn into a lightsaber. damn right. so i aligned myself with the optimistic ones, thankful that a big screen adaptation has finally arrived. goosebumping through trailers, i thought, this will be good. i was wrong. it was phenomenal.

i cannot remember how many times i cursed throughout the movie. most of the other moviegoers went "wooo!". i on the other hand was all (pardon kids) "putangina", but in two versions: the quick, shocked version, and the slow, syllabic version. the moment peter cullen's voice opened the film i snapped back into the past and became a dumbstruck (foulmouthed) kid. with a humongous boner. and when i first heard the iconic transforming sound, that one that could pretty much define the 80's for me, i had geekgasm. i mean, fuck, they actually used it. and i really think that that's one of the best aspects of this movie, the sound effects, not only during transformations but in the different weapons used through the film. i literally held myself from jumping off my seat when i heard starscream's shots, which kind of resembled the decepticon laser sfx in the cartoon. i also liked megatron's blaster. still on sound, another factor that contributed much was the great soundtrack, particularly the one in the first autobot-decepticon encounter between bumblebee and barricade, when barricade jumps in the air, transforms and chases after bumblebee. awesome. there's also a great scene where regarding songs that the situation calls for, as chosen by bumblebee. the transformations, oh, man, the transformations were an eyeful. you see gears turning, mechanical pieces switching and locking into place. they were absolutely incredible to watch. when i left the theater, i looked at vehicles and imagined them transforming.

shia labeouf as sam witwicky is a an example of perfect casting that all textbooks on filmmaking should have. the monkey-spanking mink machine megan fox is as well since the only thing you can match cool cars with is a hot babe, but shia just was outstanding in his role, a nerd on the greatest adventure of his loser life. his secret reaction to megan fox's hotness (oh my god) was classic. cant wait to see how he fares in indiana jones 4. everyone else did fine too. there was another pretty chick there, a blonde with an accent, but she was covered up most of the time, unlike the foxy megan fox who generously displayed her assets as much as pg-13 would allow.

the robots were amazing. the cgi was flawless. perfect. i could see and feel the hard work put into them. combined with the actor interaction, i'd swear they were really there. and the (re)designs were so cool. i like bumblebee's design the best because it fitted his personality (or robotality?) well, especially when he was shadowboxing while prime introduced him. among the other autobots, jazz was the one who had the closest semblance to the cartoon. i really didn't mind optimus prime having a mouth, but it would have been cooler if he had kept his faceplate on all the time. (oh, he has the matrix! )and the fact that they got peter cullen to voice him again was just awesome. i wish they had frank welker as well for megatron but hugo weaving did him justice. he actually didn't sound like agent smith at all. i was having multiple geekgasms during the optimus prime and megatron one-one-one. and i probably would have doubled my multiple geekgasms if starscream had his original voice. nonetheless, i was waaayyyy satisfied with everyone's transition from 2d to 3d. jesus christ, the cartoon has come to life.

so, maybe yeah, damn you, michael bay. damn you for this wonderful piece of work. i came in with a very large bag of expectations and came out with it overflowing. i liked the way the story was paced. i liked how the action sequences weren't corny. i like how everything was consistently told in the point of view of humans (low camera angles). i loved the cartoon, and goddammit, i loved the movie. the fat guy with the digital camera couldn't have been more right: this is 100 times way cooler than armageddon. part two, please?

the good: the whole darn movie.
the bad: okay, maybe one lil gripe: frenzy. me want soundwave!
the ugly: again, frenzy.
the verdict: 10 bee-otch air fresheners.

skizzimus prime.

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FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER by obi

The film started with updates on how did the life of the foursome go since the first film. This time, Reed and Sue were scheduled to get married but for some turn of events, a mysterious entity, Silver Surfer, appeared to wreck havoc to the world and the team was forced to postpone the wedding and work with the US armed forces to subdue the alien. They were not getting much progress as the Surfer proved to be much aware of their every moves.

Enter, Victor Von Doom! *lightning sparks*

He was somehow restored back to life and on a close encounter with the sparkly surf dude, Doctor Doom was able to secure important information that can be used against Silver Surfer. He employed his aid to the US armed forces and an unlikely alliance was formed between him and his old foes, the Fantastic Four. Through the brilliance of Doctor Richards and Silver Surfer's apparent affinity with Sue (I mean c'mon, who's not gonna go gaga over Miss Alba), they were finally able to capture the alien by separating him from his power source - the surfboard. With his twisted schemes, Victor was able to snatch the surfboard from the US military and augment his powers to even greater heights.

With not much time left, as they discovered that a world devourer (Galactus) was about to destroy the world and that Surfer was their only chance to salvation, the Fantastic Four set out to rescue Silver Surfer and capture back the surfboard... which (of course) they were able to do. And they all lived happily ever after.

At least not after the Surfer sacrificed himself to eliminate the Galactus threat.

The film is generally decent: mediocre plot, CG effects, acting, and all. It's just disheartening to take note that despite the hype and all anticipation of a grand battle from watching the previews, there are really not much of an outright combat in the movie. There's this scene of the Torch vs. Surfer or Torch vs. Doom, but they din't have the quality of a fast-paced, "superheroic", cinematic fight as say compared to Spiderman vs. the New Goblin in Spiderman 3. Even the group assault of the Fantastic Four against Doctor Doom in the final scenes of Fantastic Four 1 can outdo all the battle scenes in Fantastic Four 2 (FF2) combined. And that scene on part 1 is just mediocre to start with, unfortunately.

True to it's form, though, the movie kept much in line with the comicbook identity of the team. I personally liked how the continuity of each of the members' personalities still carried on to this sequel. I know many will have quirks on the appearance of Galactus as a gaseous entity of sorts, but I really would have to prefer him as such than his original purple-helmeted giant figure as seen in the comics. Silver Surfer is a great representation too. I really felt his commanding aura and his outlandish impression. Probably, it's Lawrence Fishburne's voice there that made the magic.

Jessica Alba is searing hot, hands up. BUT I will still have to stand by my opinion that she's NOT physically apt for the role. Susan Richards (Invisible Woman) from the comicbooks is a white blonde which is very much in contrast with what Miss Alba is, naturally. I don't even think she is of the right height if memory serves me well, but heck... I'm too lazy to do my research at the moment but I believe there's a lot of discrepancies there. I'm not up for an "up-to-the-last-dot" similarities but they should have at least satisfied the fans' childhood image of the Invisible Woman.

Doctor Doom is more worth to be the evil brain this time. I dig. I don't like how the Fantastic Four fall for such a ploy of his. It looks stupid. But I guess they just have no choice since it's the destruction of the world that is at stake. Still, they could have at least be more vigilant of his schemes. The Thing and Human Torch banter is still a hit for me. I like it when those two clashed with each other with their antics, and there's still a lot of it in this movie although you can feel that their relationship became more of a casual antagonist to each other unlike on the first film where they just plainly loathed each other.

"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" is a so so film, all in all. It's likely that it's not something you'll be remembering as one of your all-time favorites but it won't be on your all-time crap movies either. It's relatively short and is a good popcorn movie for the family. A good way to past time in a mall, definitely. Six gulamans worth.

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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END by obi

The third installment to the tale of the swashbuckling corsair, Jack Sparrow, followed the story of Lord Cuttler Beckett's quest to purge all pirates and establish ultimate rule over the seas. With it, he has control over the heart of Davy Jones (from Part 2) which in turn gave him leverage to command his dreaded Flying Dutchman in a whim. Beckett's success was imminent (and so is the pirates' end) so the only solution left was to convene the Pirate Lords around the world and propose a joint attack against the formidable British fleet.

On this line, it became apparent that they will be needing help from the infamous Captain Sparrow so with unlikely aid from the Singaporean Pirate Lord Sao Feng, the former crew of the Black Pearl journeyed to the World's Edge to bring him back to life. The voyage was a success and along with it, they sailed back to the "real world" with Jack and the Black Pearl, itself. Insidious pacts and trades led to the unexpected rise of Elizabeth Swann as captain of the Singaporean fleet. She spearheaded the notion of a combined attack against Lord Beckett's fleet during the convocation of the Pirate Lords, where she was declared Pirate KING (yes, it was explicitly told she was a KING).

In the end, it was a standoff against the British Fleet plus the Flying Dutchman versus the allied pirate fleet. The Flying Dutchman and the Black Pearl sailed ahead of their armadas for the greatest naval mano a mano I've ever seen on a movie! The battle ended with Captain Sparrow opting to have Legolas destroy the heart of Davy Jones (killing Squidhead on the process) in order to protract his existence. However, this meant that Legolas (actually, Will Turner) will have to be the new Davy Jones and captain the Flying Dutchman. With it, the Dutchman and the Black Pearl annihilated the Endeavour - Lord Beckett's flagship.

Lord Beckett's death is the cheesiest naval death I've ever seen, on the other hand. Hahaha.

Let's not talk about CG's, special effects, props, costumes, and the whole production itself. They're all "WOW" *put lots of exclamation marks here* for the lack of words to describe it! I was pointing at the Kraken's tentacles to my bro telling him they (effects crew) thought of making it consistently float on the beach and put much details on the suction tubes even when the monster's scene on the film lasted what... 30 seconds?!? That's how they worked with the rest of the details and the effects were getting more and more awesome since the first Pirates film.

It's a very suitable ending for the "prologue movie" which is Pirates 2. I've immediately watched Pirates 1 as soon as I had the chance after I arrived from Sydney last year and I stand in my opinion that Pirates 2's storyline is nothing but a preparatory film for this sequel. Nothing interestingly more. Pirates 3 is as winding and long as Pirates 2 but "At World's End" is fast paced and easier to keep up with, at least. Ok, it still has those confusing sub-storylines: Calypso, Nine Pieces of Eight, Davy Jones's Love Story, the Pirate Lords. But, these has been inserted to the plot in a way that they din't become vague enough to follow unlike those introduced in Pirates 2 which were mostly just "pushed it" too much... to make the movie long(?) or look adventurous(?), who knows?

Johnny Depp's witty antics are still a hit but this time, I have to admit that he din't single-handedly carry the film. The story was guile enough to highlight the need of the other roles to shine on the film: Elizabeth Swann and her rise to power, Will Turner and his quest to save his father, Davy Jones and his unsettled business with Calypso, even Lord Beckett has his own shot to stardom as the ultimate antagonist. The plot this time din't revolve mainly on Captain Sparrow but it was participated evenly by the major characters. This, I dig since the stars selected for the major roles were worth the exposure anyway. I find Chow Yun-Fat a little lacking though but I have this feeling that I might have just thought of that because I was used to see him in kung-fu moves and stunts that din't require him to actually "act" that much. Haha.

This movie like Pirates 2 is still not recommended to be watched if you haven't seen the prequels. It was chock-full of its own mythology that it will make you just keep on bugging your seatmate for info (and prolly annoy him/her in the process). Just think of it as this: it's not your typical sit-back-enjoy-the-adventure flicks we commonly see on the likes of Waterworld or The Island. Plot lines here are branching (if not just "popping" out of something) everywhere and it's up to the moviegoers to have a grasp of these and establish a coherent path to understand everything. Ang saya noh?

Six out of ten gulaman.

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SPIDER-MAN 3 by obi

Spiderman is back and this time he's prepared to snatch his Mary Jane for a wedding proposal. Everything started well as Peter Parker continued his regular stints as a photographer for the Daily Bugle while his wall-crawling alter ego is fast becoming a beloved icon in the city. On the other hand, Mary Jane Watson hits it off as a broadway performer on a sassy local theater. Happy happy!

Enter catastrophes!

A convict (believed to be the gunman of Peter's uncle) escaped from prison and, by a freak accident on some physics lab, was transformed into Sandman - bent on stealing moolah for the hospitalization of his sickly daughter. Harry Osborn's back too with a hipper costume as the New Goblin, still wanting to avenge the death of his father which he blamed on Spidey. Along came an alien psymbiote that hosted itself on Parker's suit, making Spiderman vulnerable to corruption when he wears it. To top everything, MJ was sacked for a bad performance and our geek guy, Parker, was in danger of the same fate within the Daily Bugle as a competition surfaced in the name of Eddie Brock, a freelance photographer.

One event lead to another and in a bizarre intertwining of fate, everything fell on the wrong side of things for Spiderman. He eventually seemed to be loosing the love of MJ as she sought comfort to their bestfriend Harry Osborn which on the latter part of the movie used this leverage to make Peter's life more miserable by inciting the breakup of the lovebirds. Down in depression, Peter gathered strength to move on by wearing the psymbiotic "Black Spider Suit" and thus fall into taint. With it, he sought revenge against the Sandman and humiliated Eddie Brock... and dated his love prospect, Gwen Stacy.

Later in the film, Peter Parker would be able to forcibly take off the psymbiote which apparently has a weakness for loud soundwaves. Coincidentally, Brock was in the place where Spidey removed the Black Spiderman psymbiote and the alien entity transferred on Brock to gave birth to the Venom!!! Wait... TO THE VENOM!!!! *insert thunderous sounds here*

Venom, spiteful of what he suffered from the hands of the web-crawler, tagged along with Mister Sandman to kill Spidey, using MJ as a bait slash hostage. Spiderman, being renewed from his brief exposure to the "dark side", battled it out with the two villains in vain. In came, the spunky New Goblin, who turned to the "light side" when he realized Spiderman din't actually kill his father. He aided to the death of Venom and Sandman's cheesy shift to consider "talking it out" with Spiderman instead, but the eventual payback was his own filthy rich Goblin life.

Maybe it's the hillarity of the badboy Peter Parker and his swinger antics but I didn't like how this sequel turned out to feel lighter than its predecessors. Sure, I had good laughs on most of the comedy lines but that's exactly what's upsetting. I believe the movie should better off making viewers go "oooohh" and "aaaahh" rather than laughing their arses off their seats. Don't take me wrong though. The CG effects were awesome *insert triple exclamation marks here* Have you seen how Sandman first restructured his body from the sandpit? That's just wicked! Total hands up on the quality of effects and production.

The down side...

There were several sub-plots for the major roles in the film (Brock, Parker, Miss Watson, Harry, Sandman, and even briefly, Gwen) tied into one cluttered storyline. OK, the writer pulled off bridging these sub-plots to be coherent enough for viewers to piece it all up along the film. However, in exchange for this, the character developments were done hastily in a poor attempt to just give each of them enough time to have a real "effect" on the narrative flow. That, I don't dig. As usual, there's a LOT of happenings that would challenge the laws of physics and logic but they were tolerable enough since the movie was comic book-adapted anyway. But mind you... some really looked outright dumb like on the last parts of the film when Sandman just suddenly got into his wits and "sit it out" with Spiderman for some tear-jerky talk and sympathetic make up... AFTER POUNDING SPIDEY FIST AFTER FIST OF GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TONS OF SAND TO DEATH earlier on that same scene!!!. Bwahehehehe.

The casts are cool. Nuff said on that. The only person lacking for me is Gwen Stacy (Dallas Howard)... so so performance. She's not one of those comic book character anyway so yeah... oks lang. The others fit their roles like nuts and bolts. Hands up on that too. I also liked (always liked even on Spiderman 1 and 2) the way how the writers portrayed Spiderman as someone who was as vulnerable to his "human" problems as he was when he's on his alter-ego mode. Napaka "human" niya so to speak.

To sum up, the movie has considerably awful flaws but the mix of light approach to the mood and some very sympathy-inducing scenes would actually make you think your money's worth it. I did. It's a "fun" movie to watch in the most shallow meaning of the word, but not the "classic" material that is worthy of such a cool iconic hero. Six gulamans worth!

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