YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN by obi

BEWARE: SPOILERS AHEAD

An Israeli special forces agent, Zohan fakes his death to travel to America and fulfill his life-long dream to be a hairdresser. In New York, he worked for a small downtown salon located on a Middle Eastern neighborhood. There, despite his unusual success as a hair stylist because of his "extra" services, several complications troubled him which basically stems from cultural differences between the Arabs and the Jews.

What happened next in between this part of the film is fairly inconsequential as most scenes seem to appear as "extenders" to justify an hour-long screening time.

A significant part is that in the end, Zohan allies with a high-ranking Palestinian terrorist (his own ex-nemesis, Phantom) to thwart some rednecks' plan to frame the Jews and the Arabs against themselves. Their alliance heralds the story's resolution which basically comprise of Zohan being able to setup his own salon with his new Palestinian wife and his folks finally approving him of leaving the military service to pursue hairdressing.

The verdict:
Brainless hillarity. It's typical Adam Sandler-fun with much zaniness and slapstick antics. It has several frivolous scenes and it seems that a lot of unnecessary stills are forced into the movie for it to have a sense of a story or maybe to further lengthen it and have extra airtime for more comedy... be it funny or, for most of the part, not. In spite of it, I have to admit that I had a few good laughs for the jokes' sheer dumbness especially when Zohan does his gesture of goodbye. He pats his chest dignifiedly then his uber-crotch.

...on the casts,
As said earlier, it's a typical Adam Sandler over-the-top goofy acting reminiscent of "Waterboy" and "The Wedding Singer" performances. This time, he put himself on another ridiculous role where, no matter how predictable his silliness can be, he can still pull it off and make people laugh. He oddly sounds and, sometimes, act like Borat in the film though.

I'm not familiar with Emanuelle Chriqui, the lady who played as the owner of the salon where Zohan part-timed as a hairdresser, but her credential is fairly extensive. Still, her role doesn't have much challenge and she just acted appropriately. Rob Schneider is equally silly as Sandler. Although I'm leaning towards appreciating his acting skills in this film more than Sandler's in that when you look at it, you can feel that there's more effort and "mind" put into the role. John Turturro (the Phantom) looks overacting. I dunno if that's the design for his character.

...on the story,
The humor behind the story mostly borders on racial stereotyping. If this is not your type of laugh, the movie will sure bore you. The plot is satirical in a "deposit your brains by the entrance to the movie house" kind of way. It's done for outright fun (although you have to stoop down to the filthiest meaning of it) so overanalyzing the film contents is just NOT worth it.

It wants to nudge the political concern of the Arab-Israeli conflict but the use of such brainless hillarity as a medium will not deliver the point as intended. Take it as this: they set their viewers to NOT THINK deeply of the movie by doing mindless humors then want them to UNDERSTAND a serious political message conveyed in it.

...on everything else,
I can't get the Mariah Carey obsession and it even get worse with her appearance. Eh?? I dunno if the Zohan got a BAM-BAM-BOOM from the singer for this much lame promotion.

In the movie, when a scene is funny, it totally is. But the rest (which constitutes most of the airtime) are either disgusting or uninteresting. Watch this if you have nothing to do in a mall, waiting for your folks to finish in the grocery or your car to get fixed. But to allot time just to see it? Forget it.

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P. S. I LOVE YOU by jeeanfoxy

ok, before you snare at what you just read, let me just say that the title doesn't give justice to the movie. it isn't as cheesy as you think. or maybe that's just me. it's a chick flick for cryin out loud! but i do think guys could get something out of this. you don't have rocks for hearts, do you guys? *smug*

"A young widow discovers that her late husband has left her 10 messages intended to help ease her pain and start a new life."

starring:
Hilary Swank
Gerard Butler ( fyi, he's King Leonidas, bitches! )
Lisa Kudrow
Kathy Bates

my cousin meggy came home today and as a bonding moment we watched this movie in her room.

so here's the deal, let's cut the crap.

i'm impressed. the dialogues were long but nonetheless entertaining. the story is somewhat different from the rest of the chick flicks i've seen and it kept me guessing what was gonna be the resolution. lovezit. it was a little dragging though, a bit confusing at times (i always needed to tell the flashbacks and the imagination apart) but the context was intense, romantic, realistic, heavy, but it never failed to give me the good ol' "awwwww...". it was drama with a pint of comedy and just the right mix of love.

and goddamit those filming locations are superb!!!
( if it's CGI, then wtf, i don't care. )

here are some of my favorite lines.

Gerry Kennedy/Gerard Butler:
Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you

Holly Kennedy/Hilary Swank:
[crying] When daddy left, I was fourteen, and I said... never again, no man. And then I meet Gerry. This wonderful man happens to me and then, and then, and then he died! What was the point? I'm so angry I could kill somebody. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean you're alone no matter what.

Holly Kennedy/Hilary Swank:
Dear Gerry, you said you wanted me to fall in love again, and maybe one day I will. But there are all kinds of love out there. This is my one and only life, And its a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive. I don't have a plan... except, it's time my mom laughed again. She has never seen the world... she has never seen Ireland. So, I'm taking her back where we started... Maybe now she'll understand. I don't know how you did it, but you brought me back from the dead. I'll write to you again soon. P.S... Guess what?


Jeeanfoxy:
Love is forever. It's a blackhole that's hard to get out of. You can turn into shreds or just disappear. But the weird thing about it is we love the feeling of not being able to get out. Love conquers our being. It unleashes our inner selves and our truest needs and wants. And if we die in this black hole confused, in denial, and alone, the important thing is we had the chance to experience all the risks, the falls, and the renaissance, and we regret no more. It is the reality that we're all afraid of. Why? Because once again, we know, we can't get out of it. There's no stopping it. It sucks you in and drains you of your strength. It drained me. It did. It still does. But to my surprise, the pain it causes me gives me happiness because the pain always ends, and the pleasure afterwards seems better. You and I have entered into the world of uncertainty and moments tainted with sinful thoughts and inescapable agony, fear and hope, but still, love is there, and suddenly the ocean breeze whispers, "I'm wind. I can be stronger, I can be a storm, but I'm still me, and you're still together. And then I disappear, and you realize that you're in each others' arms, closer than ever, your everlasting warmth keeping you alive."

That warmth, is nothing else, but love.
And I'm keeping it.

I'm alive. Love keeps me breathing.

xoxo
Jeean

ps.
I love you.


*yes. the cinemafia is open for chick flick reviews as well, as long as they're as good as this. -don skizzo

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THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR by obi

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The spoiler:
The O'Connell's are back from retirement as they are tasked to bring an artifact (The Eye of Shangri-La) in China. Along with it, their son Alex discovers the tomb of a cursed Emperor of Qin and later on accidentally free it from its millenium-long stasis. With backup from radical Chinese militants, the Dragon Emperor schemes to conquer the world with his terra cotta army but first, he has to consolidate his powers by bathing at the pool of Immortality. This being guarded by the same witch that cursed him and his army.

The Qin Emperor later on succeeds and he is transformed into a shapeshifting megalomaniac. With the ragtag band composed of the O'Connell's, old pals Jonathan and Mad Dog, the witch and her cute daughter, and a bunch of comic Yetis, they hunt down the Qin Emperor and thwart his evil plan armed with the only blade that can send him back to Death.

Of course, we all know that they'll win.

The verdict:
I watched the film half-knowing that it'll suck. I've seen its previews and sans the fact that hot-mom Rachel Weisz will not reprise her role as Evie, it's still plain to see from it that the production team is overdoing something and the casts are otherwise cashing in badly.

...on the casts,
I can't see the flare of the prequel Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evie (formerly Rachel Weisz) on this movie and it owed much to the lackluster portrayal of the new Evelyn O'Connor (Maria Bello... who is she anyway?). Brendan's output lacks the dashing appeal he showed on the first two films and this is matched by the equally flat performance by Luke Ford who played the grown up Alex O'Connor. Repeating his role as the feisty Jonathan Carnahan, John Hannah is a comic relief to the entire boring casts. Michelle Yeoh (the witch, Zi Juan) and Jet Li (Dragong Emperor Han) could have acted better but they are underexposed on the screenplay, the latter being a CG monster on almost half of his screen outing. Argh. Have to be partial for Isabella Leong (Zi Juan's daughter, Lin). I watched the film just for her. She's cute and I just can't resist chinky chicks. She did her stunts well but her emotions are mismatched.

...on the story,
It's a typical "Mummy" film. The entire franchise is based on a formula plot: Chief Evil Mummy goes alive, Chief Evil Mummy raises army, Rick's Gang musters own army, Rick's Gang's Army on the verge of being defeated by Chief Evil Mummy's army, Rick's Gang defeats Chief Evil Mummy back to wherever-land, Rick's Gang's Army saved... and so is the world!

It's just a consolation that the story setting interests me (Imperial China) but you should not expect much of a twist on the storyline. The plot has been very outright from the start of the film and you'll gonna have a near-prescient guess of how the story will go. An unexpected surprise comes from the appearance of the Yeti pack that although stirred in some good laugh, sealed my conviction that this movie's going to be corny. They're just unnecessary and even made the storyline even more sooo dragging.

CGI works is mediocre in quality but the overdone presence of the computer generated monstrosities made it look that they're there just for the sake of having beasts on the film. I've always liked the "Mummy" concept but they should have stick with a more realistic approach on the story. Making it exaggeratedly fantastic by forcing in elaborate CG beast-works is a show off that din't do any justice for the "Mummy" plot in general.

...on the fight scenes,
I rarely scrutinize much on this part of movies since as long as they are visually swashbuckling, they are good to me. However, just for the lack of any good reasons to look forward to in this movie (except again that pretty Chinese girl, Lin), they did considerably good battle scenes in fairness. I always looked forward to this scenes on the Mummy-series where both good and evil armies clashed on an open battlefield. The complexity of generating two massive armies clashing leaves me in awe and this film din't disappoint me on that aspect.

The Michelle Yeoh versus Jet Li duel is lacking in intensity.

...on everything else,
I missed Rachel Weisz because of this movie. I can imagine several Evie scenes that could have been more effective if she's the one delivering it. She has this sense of composure and sophistication that Maria Bello just can't assume. The spunky Evelyn O'Connor role became just a meer plain woman on this sequel. I can't blame Rachel for turning down the role upon looking at the screenplay (yes, it's the rumour).

Watch it for the underexposed Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li but take a good nap on the rest of the film.

I was convincing myself for a 6 of 10 rating (even 7, after watching it!) just because of Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, the army battle scene, Lin, and the pretty Chinese army Lieutenant. But the general blandness of the entire production deserves a 4 out of 10.

And I know I'm still being kind.

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THE DARK KNIGHT by jaiskizzy

"slaughter is the best medicine"

the gist: ever since batman began, gotham city's crime rate is on a dwindle with evildoers rainchecking their evildoings at the sight of the bat signal and mobsters holding their prayer meetings during the day. and with the people's paladin, harvey dent, on his side, future-commissioner gordon can't help but wear a happy smile under his 'stache. as the batman disposes of his posers (instead of posting bulletins on friendster), some nutjob who flunked cosmetic school and chose a career in carnage intrudes and offers his insights for a better gotham. for a guy named joker, he ain't funny at all.

i've always thought that tim burton's vision of batman was ok. eventhough it looked like batman might start singing and pirouetting any moment, the first two films were dark and gothic and i liked it. then came joel schumacher who gayified the franchise by adding colors like pink, corny oneliners and bat nipples (but not on batgirl). for that, he will never be forgiven. so, thank holy heavens for christopher nolan for putting the man back in batman and bringing him into the real world. great director. memento remains one of my favorite films ever. this dude is like a hollywood jesus who took the diseased caped crusader and cured him. batman begins was just a taste of what he could do with the material. with the origin story done with, he could take the bat wherever he wanted and he took the dark knight to masterpiece territory. his directorial decisions were perfect, turning the movie into more of a noir crime film than a flashy superhero movie, with great characters, pacing, action, tension, drama, dialogue, all in one two-hour short presentation. and there's no dragging, tearjerker funeral for the death of a major character. i like that. forget not, of course, his bro, jonathan, a huge part of the genius of nolan's movies for his amazing screenwriting powers. darn these nolans.

i'll strike the below-zero first because there's only one and it goes by the name of maggie gyllenhaal. she's a fine actress, yes, liked her in secretary, but she just failed to be rachel dawes, a character invented for the franchise to replace vicki vale. she just destroyed any possibility of ms. dawes being added into the batman comic canon. she's not ugly, but compared to mrs. cruise, she is. it's an olive oyl syndrome. watching her be torn between bruce wayne and harvey dent was like watching popeye and bluto fight over that ugly bitch. you just don't get why. maybe she gives good head? i dont know. but anyways...

christian bale is an amazing bruce wayne. he's a good batman, but i've always believed michael keaton played the dichotomy better. bale's lips looked weird when he spake as batman. dont know if it's supposed to be an effect of the voice enhancer but it seemed like had too much love for lip readers. the costume looks fine btw. finally solved that head-turning issue. anyways, who the heck is aaron eckhart? give this guy a medal. what a great harvey dent he was, especially when he became two-face. give another medal to the guy who made two-face's gross half like that. that shit is nasty. i had flashbacks of skinned goats hanging in the kitchen during fiesta in my grandparents' house. awesome. the perfect casting of gary oldman as jim gordon is proven even more in this sequel, as he isnt a minor character anymore. do you know the name of the fat dude in the other batman movies? no? me neither. anyways, there's this scene where batman, gordon and dent are forging an alliance on the bat signal rooftop which is lifted directly from the long halloween and that was just amazing.

now, the late heath ledger as joker... first, great that the joker doesnt have an origin. in the comics, the joker is so insane that he himself can't tell which past in his mind is real (he prefers multiple choice, the killing joke). that concept was realized nicely in the movie, with joker telling different stories on how he got his ichi-the-killer inspired scars. anyways, back to heath. just about every superlative and hyperbole has been used on his performance and it deserves every one of them. unlike batman who gets to be bruce wayne/christian bale, he was in joker makeup almost the whole time because he was not heath ledger anymore. he was just the joker. every flick of his tongue and roll of his eye, every fidget and every word he says, topnotch. i still hold firm that mark hamill did the definitive joker voice but heath ledger is joker in the flesh. that is one hard portrayal to match, let alone beat, if they ever decide to make a part three and bring the clown prince of crime back. if they do, i nominate either javier bardem or joseph gordon-levitt (just because he looks like heath). put harley quinn in and i'll buy a ticket right now.

no surprise that the dark knight is kicking ass outside of the movie world, breaking box office records like bones. the film is so great it has been lined up with the classics heat and the godfather 2. i couldn't agree more. the dark knight blew me away more than all of my exgfs did.


the good: the whole movie except...
the bad: maggie gyllenhaal.
the ugly: ditto.
the verdict: 10 disappearing pencils.


the dork knight.
(or the choker. this review is for my harley quinn.)

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THE DARK KNIGHT by jeeanfoxy

so what if it's another batman movie? its the best one yet!

things get more comic-y this time around, unlike in Batman Begins where the darkness and dragging storyline consumed me more than the good parts did. in the first one i kept thinking "o tapos? ano ngayon? so? ang tagal! flashback na naman? ano ba tlg?" ...and needless to say batman's props looked like crap. boo.

the dark knight presented a totally different perspective of what a batman movie should be. it was obviously done excellently from start to finish, and i bet even the split-second scenes took time to get right. the car chases were a bit dizzying but satisfying nonetheless. and here's a big plus: the hunky christian bale in his upgraded batman getup loaded with way cooler gadgets that will keep your head spinning all thoughout the movie.

and here go the minuses. (1) a very un-lengthy exposure of a villain (no, not the Joker). (2) maggie gyllenhaal's fugliness kept me distracted and detached from her Rachel Daws character. miscast. bigtime. and um... (3) batman isn't a hero? o.O

and now we come to Heath Andrew. Heath "Sayang ka bakit ka namatay" Andrew Ledger. his performace deserves an Oscar, no doubt about it. no one else could have played the role of The Joker better. heathie, may you rest in peace, drug-free.

the dark knight kept me at the edge of my seat. i'm the type of person who gets bored quite easily, but with TDK, i had my eyes glued to the screen from start to finish. the movie was quite long but it didn't fuckin matter...! the dark knight rules. boom. box office.

watch it, you low lives. here's my analogy: for the girls, it's better than chocolates and flowers on top of a box filled with havaianas. for the guys, it's better than your favorite porn.

xoxo
JeeanHatesMaggieGyllenhaal

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THE DARK KNIGHT by obi

Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

The Spoiler:
Organized crime still plagues the city of Gotham. A triumvirate is formed between the police (Lt. Gordon), the law (District Attorney Dent), and Batman to spearhead the rounding up of criminal gangs in the city. Enter the psycho villain, Joker. While the streets of Gotham are being swept of malfeasance, the Joker consolidates his own mob and created havoc and confusion among the populace.

The trio deviced a plan and successfully captured the "clown" but a series of devious schemes turned the table against the good guys. Joker escapes and continues his terror. With several key persons dead along his wake, one of the most critical loss is Rachel Dawes, Harvey Dent's girl. This, and Harvey's nasty facial injury, culminates his jump to the dark side as the coin-flipping villain, Two Face.

Two Face hunts the then promoted Commissioner Gordon for revenge while the Joker rigged another terror plot. Batman, with the help of a new technology patterned after a concept by Wayne Enterprise's CEO, captures the Joker in record time and thwarts Dent's reprisal.

In the end, we will see scenes of the city's "liberation" from its dependence to Batman. But c'mon, we all know that the Bat will be back for God-knows how many more sequels. I look forward to that.

The Opinion:
I was in awe since the start of the film and not just because I look up to Batman. Bias aside, the movie is a masterpiece worthy of being elevated to timelessness.

...on the casts,
Christian Bale further seeps into the role of the Bat, hands down. As much as I would want to cling to the illusion that Michael Keaton has the best Batman portrayal, rectitude tells that it has to be Christian Bale now. Aaron Eckhart (Harvey Dent) did very well and convincing both as a good guy and a bad guy. It reminds me of the lead roles in "Face Off". Gary Oldman is just right as a younger Commissioner Gordon who is still in his prime as a hands-on crime fighter (most would remember him as the aged "office cop" from the comics). Morgan Freeman (CEO Lucius Fox) has short appearances in the film but I dig the coldness he exhibited. It's just fit for the role's stature. Michael Caine (Alfred the Butler) is an auto-include. The Alfred Pennyworth role just screams his name and I can't imagine any other candidates in his place that will give justice to it.

I have some reservations for Maggie Gyllenhaal (Rachel Dawes), though. The chemistry between her and Harvey Dent no matter how their scenes are expertly developed in terms of the script and exposure is just mediocre. I might attribute this to the brilliance of the rest of the casts who performed above expectation. Leaving the best for last, I'd want to outright stand and applause after the screening for the late Heath Ledger for a very very terrific performance (magmumuka nga lang akong tanga). Damn, that's a very radical portrayal of the Joker but it's one that I'd put my money on! One can really feel the psychosis albeit twisted genius behind the clown because of Ledger's acting. I say, it was a great redemption from the Brokeback image and a dramatic conclusion to his career. Salute!

...on the story,
Phasing is good. It's chock-full of action cuts and what's best is that they were able to fuse this with a not-so-plain storyline. I was anticipating that the plot would be just the basic "good versus evil" formula but there were twists in the film that proved me wrong. One thing to take note is the exposure laid for the Joker character. It was developed brilliantly through out the story and with help from Ledger's exceptional performance, I can go as far as saying this should be a "Joker" movie and not a Batman one... or perhaps a "Batman AND Joker" film, at the most.

I've always been a fan of the more comic-ish Batman flicks (Tim Burton's "Batman" films) since it stick with the dark Gothic theme of the cape crusader but "Dark Knight" makes me a believer of the realism version. This one is dark enough while proving that it can still be close to reality. Of course, there are obvious exaggerations of factual circumstances but nothing that din't help to make a terrific progress on the storyline.

The "Dark Knight" Batman is very human in terms of real-life predicaments and concerns. He was not portrayed as the typical carefree "I-kill-you-all" hero. I just hate it though when he do his Inday Garutay baritone to cover up his real voice. I would want to laugh my arse off in this scene where he was arguing with Commissioner Gordon. He could barely raise his voice as much as the scene requires it since he has to maintain the Inday Garutay tone. Bwehehe!

...on the Bat-gears,
I like the mobility that the new batsuit gives the wearer. By looking at how the fight scenes are done, you'll have an idea that the costume does not impede the actor to do realistic combat. One thing I'm a bit off is the mask itself. There were angles that it's just too chubby on the jaws that he looks more like an owl sans the pointy ears than a bat. It's not sleek enough but maybe it's just me.

As always, the Hummer-like batmobile is cool but the comic dude in me will not pick it over the classic long jet-black Corvette-like batmobile. There's also the batpod (bike). Great design, I say. Riders will love it and its uber-huge wheels. I want one.

...on everything else,
Visuals are good. Some CG work, great. I like this part when they blew a hospital down. It seems unnecessary but the overall impact of a huge building blowing into pieces amidst a fear-stricken population adds up to the dramatic effect.

The film is long at 2 hours and a half but it din't bore me and in fact everything seems to have just gone briefly. It'll make you wanting for more. I've been reading reviews on the web (finally, I have the luxury to do it since I've already watched the film... I was aching to read around since yesterday!) and it was the same sentiment all over. We shout part 3!!!

I can't think of capping my review by talking about Batman alone. "The Dark Knight" put Joker in a whole new iconic status of his own. You'd watch this not only for the cape crusader but the brilliance behind the clown's portrayal.

10 out of 10!

PS: Pay extra attention when Joker says he'll gonna make the pencil disappear! Hahaha! Why so serious?!

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WANTED by jaiskizzy

the gist: office pawn wesley is fed up with his life in a cubicle. he takes anti-anxiety pills to calm himself down from smashing the pc monitor into a co-worker's face. turns out that his high anxiety means something: his father who left him when he was a week old is actually one of the best assassins in town. a group of assassins called the fraternity, complete with hazing initiation, wants him to be part of their payroll. they send angelina jolie to "recruit" him, which is a great decision since it's pretty hard to say no to her. cue the bon jovi song and let the bullets fly!

i had a very similar movie plot years ago which is now worthless because it's gonna look like i ripped off wanted. boo-hoo. the moment i saw the bullets hitting each other in the trailer, i was like, there goes one of my script ideas blown to smithereens. anyways, when i heard that the director of wanted was the russian guy who directed the russian film nightwatch, i knew there was something spectacular to look forward to this movie. nightwatch and its sequel daywatch were absurd but visually cool films and the director has brought his unique style to hollywood. wanted will make you question physics while wearing a tent in your pants. and i aint even talking about angelina jolie yet. without giving anything away, you have never seen wanted's action scenes in any other action movie.

moving on to mrs. pitt. i would watch any movie with angeline jolie shooting a gun. that woman is badass. she doesnt hold a gun like a girl. i won't be surprised if she's an actual hitwoman in real life. if i were to be killed by an assassin, i would wish it was her, naked, and biting her lower lip when she pulls the trigger. james mcavoy was kind of a hit-and-miss (damned puns). him as wesley the wuss didnt work for me and felt like he was channeling shia labeouf a bit. he was good as the badass bulleteer though.

cant say the same thing about morgan freeman. he's a great actor but he just didnt belong in this movie. i think they were supposed to get samuel l. jackson but he was too busy doing motherfucker speeches in colleges so they opted for morgan instead who acted like he was still the president of the united states of america in deep impact. and since we're on the gripe train already... there were way too many slow-mos that this movie would have probably been half an hour shorter if those scenes had run at normal speed. i mean, okay, we got it the first time, to make the bullet curve, you have to shoot the gun with an arm sweep. it doesnt have to be slow-moed every single time someone does it.

i have several reasons to hate this movie (some aren't even about the movie) but overall i enjoyed the shootout show. word's out that the studios want a sequel but i cant imagine one without angelina. maybe she has a twin sister?

the good: the story, the direction and the hot chick with great lips.
the bad: james mcavoy in the first quarter, slow-mo overkill, and the predictable ending.
the ugly: morgan freeman after he says "oh, fuck."
the verdict: 7 letter-u-substitute teeth.


unwanted.

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WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY by jaiskizzy

the gist: some guy named zia decides to clean his room up and then slash his wrists with a razor. apparently, when you "off" yourself (commit suicide, yo), you end up in an afterlife world much like ours except it is so dull and everything's been slightly desaturated in photoshop. there he meets eugene who helps him search for his girlfriend, who supposedly killed herself too, and they both bump into a chick who wants to find the people in charge of that world. what a weird and cute lil movie.

i almost offed myself during my angsty years but i couldnt pull the trigger then so there's no way i can confirm if such a dimension exists for suicidals. the emo people surely would love that though. this movie however aint got no shade of emo on it at all. so, dont go owning the movie just because of the title, you sidecombed freaks. anyways, wristcutters is pretty much a journey movie where a guy and his friend hits the road on a quest of some sort and stumbles upon various stuff and people along the way. zia and the moustached dude have great non-chemistry and it's fun to watch them be friends but not really. add in the odd chick who likes to mess up with signs and you've got a trio of misfits who are and arent better off together at the same time. am i making any sense?

the dude who played zia looked familiar, i couldnt quite remember where i've seen him and am too lazy to check imdb. but he's okay, the role didnt call for anything special really. he got to kiss leslie bibb though, so he's pretty lucky. the dude who played the moustached dude though was great. i actually thought he was eugene hutz (the musician that the character was based on). the odd chick was so-so, she's not really on my list of favorite actresses and i would have liked someone beautifuler but she did fine. and then there was...will arnett?!

i'll "cut" this review short and simply say that it's a good film to watch to pass time, not when you want something to pump up your pulse rate or if you have a sibling who believes my chemical romance's music is music.

the good: the premise.
the bad: unconvincing clumsiness.
the ugly: used-condom beach.
the verdict: 6 floorboard blackholes.


templeshooter.

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AVERE VENT'ANNI by jaiskizzy

the gist: two chicks who are "young, beautiful and pissed off" meet on a beach and team up to celebrate their youth, beauty and pissed-offness. they use their allure to their advantage, hitching rides, stealing food and staying in a commune apartment for free. sex, encyclopedia selling and quite a bit of silly dancing ensue.

im trying to brush up on my obscure film knowledge and set my sights on giallo movies. giallos are italian movies know for their sexual and violent content. in this infamous attempt by a guy named fernando di leo, you see these two half-naked women strutting their shit around and craving for a lay. the title translates to "being twenty" but i didnt actually bump into girls like them when i was twenty. i probably would have gassed up their tank if i did. anyways, there is however zero gore in this movie, unless you count the notorious ending. there's ample nudity and yet no actual humping. so there's really not much to enjoy here. unless inward nipples pop your banana.

still, it wasn't completely boring. the chicks seem natural and make you think that they're really just being their real selves. i prefer the silent but naughty blonde over the loud and slutty brunetter though. watching them twist heads around and get what they want is pretty entertaining. in the commune, they settle in a room occupied by a gayish crow wannabee who's always in meditation and speaks of leaving his body there and being with the celestial father. the girls nonchalantly do their carnal cavorting right in front of him. i also liked the scene where the brunette is seducing a professor to buy the encyclopedia by touching herself. she tells him hearing the word "culture" from him makes her horny and he just repeats it nonsensically.

the ending was supposed to be a big shocker after all these seemingly pointless shenanigans but i didnt find it that appalling. it's not bloody and the "deed" is done off screen. it involves a piece of wood. at this point though, the girls get to showcase their acting chops. and i was relieved that it was the ending because it was one of the worst actings i've ever seen. she was being assaulted by men but the blonde chick looked like she was swatting invisible bees. jeez.

the good: the uninhibited leads.
the bad: plotless, pointless, painless.
the ugly: needs a trim.
the verdict: 4 packs of marlboro for a blowjob.


old, ugly and very, very pissed off.

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THE INCREDIBLE HULK by jaiskizzy

the gist: after finally defeating tyler durden, the nameless guy who created fight club (which i should not be talking about) now faces a bigger split personality problem, literally: thanks to gamma radiation, when he gets angry, he becomes the un-jolly green giant known as the incredible hulk, which is on its way to become a synonym for "uh-oh". so, he searches every crook and nanny of the earth to find a cure so that he could finally bang his girlfriend. also, hot on his heels are his girlfriend's asshole dad and mr. orange, who shoots himself up with the jealousy juice and becomes mr. not-orange. will the mild-mannered bruce banner be able to put his inner beast to good use and win the girl in the end and say "hulk smooch!!!"?

i am pretty much the quintessential comic book geek but i wasn't really a big fan of the incredible hulk as much as i was of spider-man and superman. but i did catch media-jump snippets here and there of this jekyll-and-hyde story of superhero proportions, from the silly, stiff 2d cartoon where only the mouth moved most of the time (doc bruce banner... pelted by gamma rays, turned into the hulk) to the live-action tv series. and there was the ang lee shit of a movie that could have been good, with the comic-booky feel and jennifer connelly, except it was shitty. so when news broke out that the marvel studios was itching for a reboot with louis letterier at the helm and edward norton as his main man, i was like, okay, now we're talking. the director who directed transporter and the actor who kicked a guy's teeth into the curb? genius. i was sold.

the film does a nice way of being both a reboot and a sequel and not totally denying the first one's existence by putting the hulk's origin in the opening credits. we are then dropped smack right into banner's continuing struggle to stay, um...un-hulked, keeping his heart rate down, staying away from trouble and preventing his blood from making unofficial trips (stan lee cameo!) while trying to find a cure in brazil. his first hulk out scene was neato. the movie is set up nicely with downtimes, like the pretty sweet king kong-ish scene between hulk and betty, to prepare you for the pulse pumping action sequences. and if you're as much a geek as i am, pay close attention to just about every little detail and you'll see and hear something to make you tickled pink. or green, in this case. one is lou ferrigno, hulk from the tv series, who cameos as a school guard. he also voices the hulk here by the way (yes, hulk "talks" in the movie, have tissues in hand to wipe your crotch when that comes). the other is captain america. he's not in the movie, though. however, if you know your marvel, you'll know what i mean. the rest, like the sequel hint, you find out for yourselves.

and that's one of the great things about what marvel studios has done. they have actually brought the marvel universe to the silverscreen. only awesomeness can come of this endeavor. from nick fury's iron man appearance to the pre-end credit scene cameo of [spoiler], it's safe to assume that there'll be a day when you're watching a spider-man movie and wolverine arrives to give a helping claw. im sure dc's gearing up to do the same thing. batman vs. superman, anyone?

edward norton as dr. bruce banner should win an award for best casting choice. his voice, his face, his whole being is perfect for the good guy who hides a monstrous id and none's the wiser. plus, he's a better actor than the previous dude. yes, eric bana is a good actor but he's just not bruce banner to me. he's like green paint and a couple of bench presses away from being the hulk. also, mr. norton has always had a go at the scripts of his movies and the dude can definitely write. it only shows that he's not just some actor-for-hire who does what he's told and leaves with a thicker wallet. he immerses himself into the material to make it better for the audience. and then there is of course the amazing tim roth who was just as great as emil blonsky, who sees the hulk as nothing more than a challenge. badass.

good job, louis! i could hear ang lee whimpering in some corner. with a better screenplay, better execution and better cgi, this hulk is indeed incredible. marvel studios is on a roll, baby. cant wait for the captain america and avengers movies. excelsior!


the good: the days with incident, the tv series homage, the marvel universe continuity, edward norton
the bad: no captain america!
the ugly: liv "fatty" tyler.
the verdict: 8 sodas fortified with banner blood


bruised boner.

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THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL by obi

[spoilers]

The story is about two sisters who, motivated by their family's ambition, compete for the affection of King Henry VIII of the House of Tudor.

Mary Boleyn, younger of the two (at least in the film), becomes the King's choice despite her being married to a local commoner and the family's designs for her sister Anne Boleyn to be the pick. The drive roots from the Queen's inability to give King Henry a male heir which eventually leads him to seek for a concubine. Mary eventually gave birth to a male heir but by that time Anne, who didn't stop furthering her ambition to enamor the King, was already able to finally snatch the monarch's special attention. Henry VIII disclaimed his son to Mary and blindly sued for Anne's love.

Taking advantage of the situation, Anne plotted for herself to be the legitimate Queen of England which substantiated after compelling the King to do crazy stuffs (i.e. turning from the Catholic catechism and dethroning his own wife, Catherine of Aragon). However, all the comforts that came with it was short-lived as Anne Boleyn, after giving birth to a daughter, miscarried another daughter that triggered marital problems with the King similar to that of the former Queen Katherine's.

Complexities turned into more problems and even into incest which ultimately caused Anne Boleyn's death sentence. She's the mother of the last monarch of Tudor... Queen Elizabeth I (a female heiress, after all the King's quest to have a male successor).

The storyline, although patterned in this factual period in the House of Tudor, is a mishmash of historical inconsistencies added to give a cinematic appeal to the plot. I think, it produced the intended effect. Dramatic points in the movie are compelling and the script-works involved are done fairly well. I have something against the pacing as often it jumps over supposedly long periods of time without good transitionary scenes. It makes the film seem to be rushed, overshadowing the superb acting-job made by most of the casts.

Speaking of, Scarlett Johansson (Mary Boleyn) and Natalie Portman (Anne Boleyn) - sans my total crushness on her - did a terrific portrayal of their roles' supposed personalities. The innocently naive Mary and the ambitious headstrong Anne. Throughout the film, both actresses have been skillfully in character that you can feel what the roles should convey. Eric Bana (King Henry VIII) borders on mediocrity while Anna Torrent (Catherine of Aragon) performed strongly but lacks exposure. Another performance to take note is of the Boleyn son, George (Jim Sturgess - Jude in the Beatles film "Across the Universe"), whose supporting role produced a good chemistry with his sister Anne on the film.

The production is of no question. Great costumes, nice settings, and the overall quality of reliving the Tudor era of England is there. Excuses aside for the Victorian geeks who might have seen flaws on the accuracy of the sets.

In all, it's a great film to capture the heart. The ending seems a bit dragging but the meaning is there. It may not be of classic status nor as comparable to other movies built around the Tudor controversies but it sure is inspirational and moving to watch.

Seven out of ten.

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INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by jaiskizzy

the gist: the bullwhip-cracking, fedora-wearing, snake-fearing hero is back! it's been nineteen years since the last crusade, and an aged, wiser henry jones jr. puts his teaching career on hold once again for another thrill-filled treasure quest. with former flame marion ravenwood and her son, mutt, indy is after the crystal skull, a legend-laden artifact that supposedly is the key to unparalleled wealth and power. he must use his plan-as-he-go skills to prevent it from falling into the evil hands of the russians, led by irina spalko, and return it to its rightful place. adventure has a synonym and it's indiana jones!

not one sliver of shadow of doubt about it: this is an indiana jones movie. from the old-school paramount logo (nice touch btw) fading into a prairie dog mound to the sweet albeit starwars-ish ending, you can bet your fanboy ass this is an indiana jones movie. i sat there in the movie theater (dodging irksome sidecomments from morons) reduced to the little boy i was when i first saw raiders of the lost ark on betamax and watched with glee my childhood hero come to life again. the moment the hat was picked up and put on in a silhouette next to a star, i had supernova nostalgic orgasm. harrison ford has been han solo, rick deckard and jack ryan, but he will always be indiana jones to me. yes, the age shows on his face but, whip me sideways, the dude can still kick derrières. indy is just an entirely different persona complete with his own facial expressions, way of speaking and quirks and i cannot see anyone else being him. the pratfallings, i thought were a bit too much though. here is a guy who relies on quick-thinking and pure luck and then you see him topple a bike over. oh, well.

the indy movies are famous for their over-the-top, bite-your-collar action sequences and indy 4 delivers on that aspect. the warehouse scene and campus bike chase were great appetizers and the jungle chase, a sumptuous main course. also, in staying true to theme, (1 had snakes, 2 had insects, 3 had rats) the new "creepy-crawly" and no, it's not the scorpion that stings mutt. speaking of mutt, i think it aint no spoiler anymore to lay down the cards and say that he is indy's son, his mom, being marion ravenwood, indy's first true love. this marion's a far cry from the tequila-guzzling femme fatele in raiders, but you immediately see that after all those years, she and indy are meant for each other. the boyish smile on indy's face the first time he sees marion again and the girlie smile on marion face when indy answers her question about his other women were goshdarn cute. plus, nice nods to marcus brody and henry jones sr., btw. but where's sallah and short round!?

anyways, cate blanchett wasnt much of a villain. her whole performance fell way behind the single scene in raiders when toht faces a captive marion and reveals an apparatus that looks like he'll use to torture her but actually turns out to be a coat hanger. but man, this woman is gorgeous, even with the wig she borrowed from uma thurman. and then there's post-sam witwicky shia labeouf. what makes "the beef" good is that he does not strive to be boytoy cute. here, he's a wannabe tough guy who trembles in fear entering an old graveyard. i dont know about you guys but i bought the idea of him as thirdy. that exchange of "whoa" between indy and him is a one-syllable testament of their realization that they really are father and son. the final scene with that hat thing is definitely a sequel hint and i could imagine a last crusade-like sequel where mutt is in school but wants in on his dad's archaeological adventures, and through some riddle in the mail, a sick marion finds out indy's in trouble and mutt goes out to save him. yeah, that could work.

i love this film and it pains me to admit its flaws (but then again, that is what love is all about, i guess). david koepp's patchwork script of the piecemeal leftover ideas from previous indy 4 attempts was evident throughout the movie. it didnt gel together as much as any of the first three and changes tonally in every scene. i like the part that plays on indy's fear of snakes, but it felt like it was an squeezed-in scene. another qualm i have was the meh cinematography. whoever this janusz guy is, he needs to brush up on his kubrick before he can match the visual edge of the first three indy films. his camera work was ok, but nothing special or surprising. the cameo of the ark of the covenant (from raiders of the lost ark) was a quickie spectacle for me but it seemed forced. i like my easter eggs inconspicuous, thank you very much.

finally, steven spielberg is a wonderful director, but you could definitely notice from scenes that george lucas was breathing down his neck the whole time. this dude just wont give in. he bitched about the script for many years and im sure even when all the hands have shaken, he still bitched about a lot of his stupid notions. george lucas, you are nuts. enough with your sci-fi crap and do something else, will you? produce another howard the duck, i dont care. just do something else. haven't you learned from the star wars prequels? grow up, man!!!

to anyone who will hate the movie, dude, it's make-believe. do not over-analyze. and if you think the whole [spoiler] thing is far-fetched, isn't a biblical box of spirits or a cup that can heal wounds just as far-fetched? anyways, to me, indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull is a new soup with old ingredients mixed with a few new ones that tastes as good as before. yum-yum. im gonna watch it again!

the good: the action sequences, the nostalgia, the joneses.
the bad: george lucas's shit.
the ugly: the cgi monkeys from jumanji.
the verdict: 8 crystal skulls (what else?!).


indianero jai.

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INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by obi

[CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD]

Henry Jones Junior is back and with a greaser kid in tow!

After getting entangled with an organized Russian archaeological crime ring, Indiana Jones was forced back to adventure from a teaching profession as he search for the mystery of the stolen alien artifact (from Roswell). Along the way, he was reacquainted with his former ladylove, Marion Ravenwood, and later on learned that greaser junior, Mutt Williams, is his own kid from her. One happy family reunion! La la la...

This happened in Peru where they were able to find the Crystal Skull in the hands of the Russian archenemy Irina Spalko. The Crystal Skull turns out to be the actual cranium of the alien specimen and Irina believes that it can grant her unimaginable psychic powers. To ensure this, she has to find the Alien Temple with the help of a barely sane Professor Oxley and the Indy Jones motley crew.

In a daring escape, they were able to break away from the Russian band snatching the Crystal Skull itself. Jones searched for the temple to return the skull to its rightful owners. Irina and his gang however caught up with Indy inside the temple as his traitor friend, Mac, left homing devices on their trail. Later on, greed for power and wealth left Irina and Mac dead as the Crystal Skull was claimed by the alien entity that owns it. The whole temple was engulfed by water, the very stereotypical 80's flying saucer whisked away, and from an elevated refuge Indiana Jones, Marion Ravenwood, and their kid exchanged cheesy remarks that screams "KIDDO's THE NEXT INDIANA JONES on SEQUELS!".

Steven Spielberg. George Lucas. Harrison Ford (Han Solo). John Williams. These are people that I so look up to and are involved in this movie. But as much as I want to toss in an all-out kudos, the film has a healthy share of major boo-boos.

There were a LOT of cheesy scenes and exchanges between Indy and Marion were reminiscent of the classical Han Solo and Princess Leia word-duels. There are scenes that din't really help the flow of the film but just a lame attempt to spark a romantic/heroic feel. It's pretty comical or engaging sometimes, yes, but most of the time it's just outright uncalled-for.

Story's far worse BUT it could be forgiveable since, yeah, this movie has tons of impractical stunts and impossible feats but it's just being true to the earlier Indy films which have an overload of that too. What's with Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear explosion locked inside a fridge? *smiles* So keep those brains on your bags and enjoy the movie only for what it's worth. I heard the script was rushed (maybe, to catch up with an aging Ford? hehehe...) so y'know what to expect.

Casting is a bit of a downer too. Aside from Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (Irina Spalko), I find the rest of the cast lacking. Shia LaBeouf (Mutt Williams) already looks too off for the role of a young bruiser, how much more as Indy's kid. I dunno if they intended it that way but I'd rather see a more hard-edged depiction - tough kid for a tough dad (he looks more foolish to me). Karen Allen (Marion Ravenwood) was never convincing. I think she's trying hard (THIS hard) to create that "kilig" factor between her and Indy... to a point that it's just annoying already. Really. As I said earlier, Ford did a good job. But why not, he'll just have to portray an old character of an old role. This, I dig because the script readily accepted that Henry Jones Junior has aged and it verily manifests in the movie. I sooo like the American Diner brawl with matching "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" tune. It outright date-stamped the settings to the 50's.

The cinematography rocks. The musical score too. Spielberg wanted to capture the feel of the classical trilogy and he did a good job on this one. With how the movie was captured alone, you can't really tell that this has been done more than a decade(?) after the last Indiana Jones. It's as if it is still filmed during the 80's. The limiting of the use of computer-aided graphics also contributed for this effect.

To sum it up, the storyline made it a cheesy sci-fi B-movie and the production, no matter how cool, barely justified everything up.

AND I'm sorry to myself that it has to come from me. (I love Indy *sniffs*)

5 out of 10.

No... 5.5 out of 10.

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